No desire for friends

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I always remember not really wanting friends. I was just gaslighted into thinking I needed them but whenever I was forced to interact with another child, I would just ignore them and do my own thing or go away.

I'm the stereotypical autistic loner who craves solitude. Sometimes I wonder if I'm truly autistic and don't just have some version of Schizoid personality disorder...but then I have all the other autistic traits to like sensory aversions, special interests and a STRICT need for routine that MUST run like CLOCKWORK.

These "friend" things always prevented me from doing the things I wanted to do and they NEVER want to do things that interest me. I've never really had the experience of a shared special interest and I'm okay with that. But it's made me SUPER protective of my special interests and I refuse to share them with just anyone.

I felt that way for many years of my life until I found a wonderful clubhouse.

I have the same questions myself if I do have some form of schizoid personality.

I ruled out aversion to openness. Because I get bored easily.
I ruled out conscientiousness. It's just my unavoidable but solvable hypersensitivities.
I ruled out introversion. It's just my body, really.
I ruled out agreeableness. It's just my damn mood.
I ruled out neuroticism. It's just a stupid program.

I still get attached. I still enjoy relationships.
I still enjoy social moments if it happened to fit.
I just have different expectations and preferences.

That doesn't say much about my lack of interest in making friends and socializing.

As far as I know, my lack of social interest is not a trauma response.

But yeah I agree with relationships being an interruption of some sort...
But since my current inclination is not being strict on schedules, I may not mind at some moments.

While I like keeping secrets and things to myself, I also tend to over share due to my still developing social skills.
I'm just still learning how to filter things, how to be way better at timing -- after years of not having a space to learn that.


Well...
Even if I get slightly sick, unprepared or still 'grieving' (whatever the frick that means to me), I'd end up acting schizoid like.

Because I can't ignore internal stuff. I'd be too 'withdrawn' because all my time, energy and focus is in the internal and no space for the external.

I just need to find a way to stop having random ails or ways to be less internally sensitive so I'd stop 'acting rigid'...

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I started wanting friends in the Summer of 1997. I even has plans to make friends at a bar. Before than, I was the type who couldn't be bothered.

I wouldn't mind a couple of low Maintenace friendships, but someone attached to my side, I cannot do. My routine and schedule keep my life from completely going haywire. I think that and my own past bad experiences prevent me from forming or seeking out friendships.

Thing is, I have little to no in common with a lot of people I interact with, which is mostly at work. Outside of work I am a bit of a recluse. I've always been a loner by nature and live solitude, but I do get lonely now and then, although most of the time I get through it ok.

For a long time, I just went along to get along just to keep people around, even though they treated me like s--t and were rude. I don't miss any of that.

I've pretty much thrown in the towel on any kind of friendship ever forming again.

I would love to have more friends and at this point the difficulty lies mostly with my fairly severe chronic fatigue, as I think I have gotten better at getting along with people and interacting. I have a boyfriend so I am not alone, and I have a few people I talk to on the phone, but I am nevertheless very lonely and it's a constant ache in my heart.

I found them to be too high maintenance.

I was similarly gaslit into thinking friends were important,
and I still probably could benefit from caring less about them...

I don't really have conventional friends,
but I am very social and known to a lot of people I
see in my day, and this is good enough for now.

I definitely value some amount of social interaction.

I have never had a deep connection.
Most of the "friendships" I started
were pretty bad and I should have left them earlier.

Some were good.

It's not like I don't have any friends. But all of those left in the country. The one which stayed live about 500 km away from me. So it is easy for me. I see them maybe one time every few years. I stay in contact with them, but we don't write very often too...

People around me keep asking if I am not lonely, and when I say I don't they look at me very strangely like it is a bad thing, which I don't see it this way. Extroverts or neurotypical people see this as an issue, and I don't.

I don't desire human contact. Those few times I meet one of my friends or when they text me is enough for me. Once a year I will travel to my friend which stayed in the country for one weekend and that is enough for me for the rest of the year.

Why other people always judge others is beyond my comprehension.