I May Have Been Outed.

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While having a pleasant discussion with one of my wife's relatives, the subject came 'round to pets.  He mention that he thought one of his dogs was autistic.  Of course, I had to respond to this.

"No, Kevin, your dog is not autistic.  He is too sociable.  If anything, he has what would be diagnosed in humans as an ADD/ADHD disorder.  Cats, however, are most definitely autistic - they do not like change, they habitually stim through self-grooming, they are generally anti-social, and when stressed, they run off and hide."

Then Kevin said, "Just like you, huh uncle?"

That caught me completely off-guard, so instead of denying it, I laughed and said, "Yeah!  Takes one to know one!"

Everybody laughed, but I have to wonder how many others may have clued in on my behaviors and assumed ASD.

This has left me a bit anxious and just a little more anti-social.

Thoughts?

Last edited by Fnord on 15 May 2023, 9:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I don't think having ASD is a negative thing, so I don't really mind if people think I have it. I don't like it when they perceive it as something negative and take it as an excuse to stop taking what I have to say seriously. My family seems to do this a lot, but it may be largely due to the fact that I do not share the same perspective when it comes to religion and politics. They thought I was autistic before I received the diagnosis.

I now have to wonder if all those times when I gave my 'expert' opinion as an engineer and nobody took me seriously (until it was too late) meant that they already knew or suspected I was on the spectrum.

(. . . I will not worry about what other people are thinking . . . I will not worry about what other people are thinking . . . I will not worry about what other people are thinking . . . I will not worry about what other people are thinking . . . I will not worry about what other people are thinking . . .)

^ It's maddening sometimes. Even if my position is supported by evidence, it's often belittled or ignored. If my brother says the same thing, it's Truth. I try to avoid talking to them about anything serious for this reason.

I have noticed that people who have good social skills tend to receive more respect and their opinions are more valued even if they are ignorant about the topics they are talking about or in general. That's frustrating too. People might not know specific individuals are autistic, but I think that if they sense that they are different in some way, they may be less inclined to give them the respect they deserve.

I suspect it has more to do with how we can come across when talking with neurotypicals. Because we are not as good at playing their social games.

Many of us are not good at social games because we are on the autistic spectrum.  Being judged as creepy, robot-like, or just plain weird because of autism seems to further taint our reputations as reliable and credible sources of information -- until those glorious "I told you so" moments when we get to shake our heads and walk away from the self-inflicted disasters that befell the people who ignored our advice.

Could be another form of the manner of thing where third parties see that the lovers are in love before the lovers themselves do.

If it exists and can be discernible there will be some who do indeed discern it.

The feelings about that will happen.

And will probably take time to experience and process.

I don't know what can 'Be Done' about any of it except to experience the living through of it.

That is why I used the word their



Yeah, I wonder how many of us feel like a Cassandra at times.

NT knowledge and reaction to autism is all over the place.

I don't go around saying "Hello my name is _____ , and I am autistic". Outside of my immediate family and autistic spaces, the topic has never come up. If it did I would not deny it or be reluctant to impart my knowledge and experience.

At the funerals for my parents during my eulogies, I did out myself. This is the relevant part of of the eulogy I gave for my mom.

"Mom believed that each person is an individual thus we were always encouraged to be ourselves even if being ourselves made us different. I am sure there were plenty of times she had second thoughts about that one. I presented a particular challenge. It was not that I was violent or a drug user. If I was at least they would have had a name for it. At the time they did not have a name for it now, they call it autism. Point is she had to parent me blind.

Thanks to technology I have gotten to talk with other baby boomer autistic people and compare experiences. I have heard plenty of horror stories parents trying to beat the undiagnosed autism out of them, disowning them etc. I did not have to deal with that and I will always be grateful to her for that."

I said something similar for my dad.

Not necessarily. I'm are sure you'll be first to admit that when you offer your opinion or advice here sometimes it gets taken the wrong way , taken as harsh or rubs the person up the wrong way. If your 'style' (for want of a better word) here is the same in IRL then maybe not being taken seriously is due to your 'style' and not your perceived neuro-status. I'm guessing your 'style' is due to your neuro-status but not everyone will make that connection IRL.

Having said that, I don't want to make your anxieties worse, but more people are aware of what autism looks like nowadays, and if anyone has an autistic family member they will usually spot it in others ( correctly or incorrectly)

We don't choose what we worry about but with practice we can choose how we react to that worry.

I am not really worried anymore.  However, I do feel some embarrassment over the thought that I may have spent the last decade in the closet over having an ASD for no good reason -- that the condition was obvious to everyone and that I was only fooling myself.

Oh well . . . gonna just act like nothing happened and that Kevin and I were just having a good laugh over a joke at my expense.

Dear FNord, why does it matter if people think you are ASD? What do you think will happen if people find out?

I must admit I've been in the closet since I was diagnosed 2 years ago but mainly because I didn't think it was relevant to anything and I just had too much on my plate to think about it i.e. my daughter's diagnosis, the pandemic and lockdown, my daughter's GCSE exams (end of school exams), my husband is a nurse and you can imagine his life during the pandemic, he also had a nervous breakdown and so did I during that time.

My brain was full and I didn't care about ASD. I still don't quite believe it because I was diagnosed during the pandemic via Zoom and they never actually met me, but I think it does fit me because I've always been 'the weirdo' who never fits in. So I'm edging out of the closet.

Also thanks to my good email friend I have the safe word with and a nice new friend who is autistic and trans.

QFT

I understand how the OP feels. I've always had a chip on my shoulder about being diagnosed on the spectrum and I've never wanted to be known by the label. It's no disrespect to everyone else on the spectrum though, it's just how I feel. Maybe it was the way I was brought up.

I live in fear of being outed beyond my control. I even have nightmares about someone announcing my ASD to the world. I'm so scared that one day I'm going to run into a situation where I am forced to disclose the diagnosis, no matter how confidential your medical records are supposed to be. Your medical records being as strictly confidential as they are is a blessing in disguise to me, but even so I'm still scared that one day I'm going to run into a "you must disclose every diagnosis you have otherwise you will be committing a crime if you're not truthful" situation.

Did you not want your family to know, Fnord, or are you just surprised that they knew?