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Do we get stuck on loving people?

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SharonB
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05 Jun 2023, 10:25 am

KitLily wrote:
I wonder if it's because I always knew my mother didn't particularly like me. I have never been good enough for her, I'm too sensitive, too annoying, too embarrassing, too whatever. I learned from a young age not to love her because all she does is manipulate me and my feelings. She's been like my jealous older sister for decades now.

Interesting. We have a similar style and my mom was emotionally abusive - in my case I now know that my mom loves me, but she was narcissistic in her dysfunction. She still tends that way, but less so. ---When I "bite", all is forgiven if the treatment stops and better if repairs are made, if not... I have a memory like an elephant.



KitLily
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05 Jun 2023, 10:47 am

SharonB wrote:
KitLily wrote:
I wonder if it's because I always knew my mother didn't particularly like me. I have never been good enough for her, I'm too sensitive, too annoying, too embarrassing, too whatever. I learned from a young age not to love her because all she does is manipulate me and my feelings. She's been like my jealous older sister for decades now.

Interesting. We have a similar style and my mom was emotionally abusive - in my case I now know that my mom loves me, but she was narcissistic in her dysfunction. She still tends that way, but less so. ---When I "bite", all is forgiven if the treatment stops and better if repairs are made, if not... I have a memory like an elephant.


I think my mum loves me but it's hard to tell. She only loves me as long as I:

Don't show any 'negative' emotions
Don't embarrass her
Don't annoy her
Don't be oversensitive
Don't outshine her or be successful
Don't underachieve
Don't spend too much time with her
Don't leave it too long between visits
Don't take her side against other people
Don't take other people's side against her
Don't contradict her
Don't suggest better ways to do something
Don't give sensible advice on how to do something

Those are some of the 'rules' I've worked out, anyway :? I'm not sure how to obey all those rules simutaneously.

:shrug:


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bee33
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05 Jun 2023, 4:08 pm

KitLily wrote:
I wonder if it's because I always knew my mother didn't particularly like me. I have never been good enough for her, I'm too sensitive, too annoying, too embarrassing, too whatever. I learned from a young age not to love her because all she does is manipulate me and my feelings. She's been like my jealous older sister for decades now.

Maybe Bee33 you have a lovely mother who treats you well? I hear that many people have those.

The quote quoted above, twice, is from KitLily! My mother was great and was not like that at all!



KitLily
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06 Jun 2023, 3:43 am

bee33 wrote:
KitLily wrote:
I wonder if it's because I always knew my mother didn't particularly like me. I have never been good enough for her, I'm too sensitive, too annoying, too embarrassing, too whatever. I learned from a young age not to love her because all she does is manipulate me and my feelings. She's been like my jealous older sister for decades now.

Maybe Bee33 you have a lovely mother who treats you well? I hear that many people have those.

The quote quoted above, twice, is from KitLily! My mother was great and was not like that at all!


Oh I'm so sorry Bee33! I did that wrong! I can't edit it now :( I'll try and get a moderator to help.


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bee33
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06 Jun 2023, 4:34 am

KitLily wrote:
bee33 wrote:
KitLily wrote:
I wonder if it's because I always knew my mother didn't particularly like me. I have never been good enough for her, I'm too sensitive, too annoying, too embarrassing, too whatever. I learned from a young age not to love her because all she does is manipulate me and my feelings. She's been like my jealous older sister for decades now.

Maybe Bee33 you have a lovely mother who treats you well? I hear that many people have those.

The quote quoted above, twice, is from KitLily! My mother was great and was not like that at all!


Oh I'm so sorry Bee33! I did that wrong! I can't edit it now :( I'll try and get a moderator to help.

No need to change it. I just wanted to point it out. Don't worry about it, please.



IsabellaLinton
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06 Jun 2023, 5:26 am

Sending hugs, bee33.

I hope today is a little easier for you.


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Joe90
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06 Jun 2023, 5:51 am

There was a thread here once saying something like "are autistics more likely to cheat on their partners?"


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Cornflake
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06 Jun 2023, 5:52 am

KitLily wrote:
Oh I'm so sorry Bee33! I did that wrong! I can't edit it now :( I'll try and get a moderator to help.
No problem - quotes now corrected. :thumright:
The "Preview" button can be used to check that quotes are correctly attributed before posting.


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KitLily
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06 Jun 2023, 7:28 am

Thanks Cornflake.

Bee33- I didn't want to upset you more than you already are upset about losing your best friend so I got it changed :heart:


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Joe90
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06 Jun 2023, 9:52 am

KitLily wrote:
Thanks Cornflake.

Bee33- I didn't want to upset you more than you already are upset about losing your best friend so I got it changed :heart:


Since when have you ever upset anyone here? :) :heart:


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KitLily
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06 Jun 2023, 10:55 am

Joe90 wrote:
Since when have you ever upset anyone here? :) :heart:


I honestly wouldn't know. I seem to upset people in real life just by existing and talking to them. The number of times I've thought a friendship was going well then suddenly they dump me. And if I ask why, they get angry and say I said something nasty and they can't possibly be friends with me anymore. Or they suddenly just start ignoring me and I don't know why. It's a mystery to me, so I keep away from people in real life.


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shortfatbalduglyman
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06 Jun 2023, 11:49 am

KitLily wrote:
SharonB wrote:
KitLily wrote:
I wonder if it's because I always knew my mother didn't particularly like me. I have never been good enough for her, I'm too sensitive, too annoying, too embarrassing, too whatever. I learned from a young age not to love her because all she does is manipulate me and my feelings. She's been like my jealous older sister for decades now.

Interesting. We have a similar style and my mom was emotionally abusive - in my case I now know that my mom loves me, but she was narcissistic in her dysfunction. She still tends that way, but less so. ---When I "bite", all is forgiven if the treatment stops and better if repairs are made, if not... I have a memory like an elephant.


I think my mum loves me but it's hard to tell. She only loves me as long as I:

Don't show any 'negative' emotions
Don't embarrass her
Don't annoy her
Don't be oversensitive
Don't outshine her or be successful
Don't underachieve
Don't spend too much time with her
Don't leave it too long between visits
Don't take her side against other people
Don't take other people's side against her
Don't contradict her
Don't suggest better ways to do something
Don't give sensible advice on how to do something

Those are some of the 'rules' I've worked out, anyway :? I'm not sure how to obey all those rules simutaneously.

:shrug:

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Kit

That doesn't sound like :twisted: unconditional love :twisted: to me.

For some reason I thought parents were supposed to love children unconditionally. (As usual I could be wrong)

Plenty of precious lil "people" acted all "buddy buddy", then when they thought I did the slightest thing wrong, they acted like I invented the world's worst felony and that they had never done anything wrong before in their lives. They expected me to be perfect to their standards. Meanwhile they refuse to change anything for me.

For that reason, as well as numerous other reasons I gave up on all relationships a longfuck time ago



KitLily
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06 Jun 2023, 12:36 pm

shortfatbalduglyman wrote:
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Kit

That doesn't sound like :twisted: unconditional love :twisted: to me.

For some reason I thought parents were supposed to love children unconditionally. (As usual I could be wrong)

Plenty of precious lil "people" acted all "buddy buddy", then when they thought I did the slightest thing wrong, they acted like I invented the world's worst felony and that they had never done anything wrong before in their lives. They expected me to be perfect to their standards. Meanwhile they refuse to change anything for me.

For that reason, as well as numerous other reasons I gave up on all relationships a longfuck time ago


Thanks, it isn't unconditional. Of course for many years I thought it was normal and all mothers were like that, so I didn't think anything of it. Then I thought it must be me that was wrong and bad, because everyone else's mother seemed to love them more. Then when I had my own daughter, it dawned on me that I love her in a totally different way to how/if my mum loves me. I would never treat her how my mum treats me!

And the other thing was that my mum nagged me for a grandchild for years, then when I finally had one, the situation wasn't right. The name we chose wasn't right. She had arrived too late to be a good companion to her granny. My mum couldn't commit to helping me take care of her. etc. etc.

There is something wrong with my mum. End of.

Thank you for listening :star:


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KitLily
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06 Jun 2023, 12:40 pm

shortfatbalduglyman wrote:
Plenty of precious lil "people" acted all "buddy buddy", then when they thought I did the slightest thing wrong, they acted like I invented the world's worst felony and that they had never done anything wrong before in their lives. They expected me to be perfect to their standards. Meanwhile they refuse to change anything for me.

For that reason, as well as numerous other reasons I gave up on all relationships a longfuck time ago


Oh same here! I usually have no idea what I 'did wrong' and they never tell me so I go around in a fog most of the time. I don't expect relationships to last anymore :roll:


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06 Jun 2023, 1:10 pm

KitLily wrote:
Joe90 wrote:
Since when have you ever upset anyone here? :) :heart:


I honestly wouldn't know. I seem to upset people in real life just by existing and talking to them. The number of times I've thought a friendship was going well then suddenly they dump me. And if I ask why, they get angry and say I said something nasty and they can't possibly be friends with me anymore. Or they suddenly just start ignoring me and I don't know why. It's a mystery to me, so I keep away from people in real life.


Well, I've never seen you upset anyone here. :heart:


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06 Jun 2023, 8:25 pm

KitLily wrote:
Thanks Cornflake.

Bee33- I didn't want to upset you more than you already are upset about losing your best friend so I got it changed :heart:

You are so kind. I was not upset, but I thank you.