A Question for Older ASD Folks

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Interestingly, as I thought about this question, I don't ever remember having to interpret or respond to other people's emotions (unless it was blatant and expressive). I wonder if that's weird... do you have an example of what you mean by this?

I'm still very involved with my special interest.

I actually remember a good bit about my childhood, particularly when it comes to autistic traits such as eye contact. A lot of this has to do with people pointing it out to me and because of that, I've managed to hold on to these memories for all of this time.

Welcome to wrong planet

1. I do not think I am better but unlike when I was young I realize I have this issue. I was not aware that eye contact was so important to others.

2. The old special interests have been replaced but have not gone away they are regular interests. Special interests are more exhausting.

3. Some things I remember but how do I know what I forgot because I forgot them?

1. No. I've never known how to study people or learn "appropriate" reactions. I can't fake it.

2. No. I'm home all the time so I have more time for my special interests. The only drawback is I'm losing my vision.

3. I remember things from childhood as sensory flashbacks. I know I didn't make eye contact because people always complained about it and called me names. I also remember the sensation of shrinking into myself when anyone looked at me. I still get that feeling today, and likely even more because of trauma.

Hello Onskarf

I was only diagnosed 2 years ago and so I have not yet emerged from the fog of confusion that is my thinking that I was a lousy neurotypical all my life but I can tell you this:

I suspect that I can perceive underlying emotions but cannot ratify them with my attempt to understand people on an intellectual level. This has been particularly disastrous in relationships. It appears I am constantly seeking to have things explained to me and am completely thrown by deception—even the everyday repression of feelings that a well meaning person might engage in. I have tried all my adult life to analyse and apply cognitive behavioural therapy which has been detrimental to me. There is no changing this part of me—it is neurological.

I am now embracing my special interests! I should have been all along.

I never realised how much I avoided eye contact until I went to Alcoholics Anonymous and unburdened myself of much of my shame and realised that I am equal to every other person. That has made it easier to look people in the eye. I hate people looking at me and I suspect that these are neurological traits and can only be managed to a degree with practice. I will always prefer to retreat and l long to live in the hills in a tiny home. This has been my desire since childhood and I wish I had not listened to the people who told me my dreams where unrealistic.

mulgajane

Hello Onskarf,

Those are good questions and your responses show a strong understanding of NT social/emotional norms. Are you concerned about aging as an Aspie?

Am I better at reading people? Yes, that is because I have worked on it. Making progress has always left me scared and confused. But, I keep on going, one step at a time. My rules as a younger man did not serve me well and I screwed up royally. As a result, I became more avoidant. Now, I am more likely to use better nonverbal cues and apologize for the misunderstanding.

Special interests are less intense and more enjoyable.

Childhood memories and difficult memories in general have been under a hard lockdown for most of my life. Strong emotions scare me and I try to avoid them as much as possible. I have been slowly recalling many of my difficult memories and trying to process them so they are less threatening.

You seem to be lucky with a helpful partner and success with therapy. I imagine those victories came because you worked hard to make them better.

I'm more interested in figuring out how ASD might be manifesting differently in me than it might in a younger person. If I am on the spectrum, I suspect that I've developed some complex and well-practiced behaviors designed to mask it.

My youth was filled with disasters as I trusted all the wrong people, behaved strangely around everyone, and overcompensated in all the wrong ways - resulting in my hurting myself and those around me. But I had no idea I was doing any of it. I'm better now at pretending to be "a normal human," but I'm only now realizing just how much of what I do is pretending.

So I'm trying to figure out whether I really am high-masking autistic and whether my compensatory behaviors may foul up my diagnosis.



I am remarkably lucky. And I have worked so very hard to get where I am, through some extraordinarily dark times. I want to understand things better and I want to see truth more clearly. Thanks for writing!

1. (a) you've gotten better at interpreting people's emotions
1.-(b) and responding appropriately to them
1.-(c) so that you no longer have to study people to learn appropriate reactions?

Only if I'm observing someone carefully I can be sensitive and have empathy. It still takes a lot of work so if I'm tired or bored then I don't bother.

2. your special interests have fallen away and not been replaced? (I just don't have the energy, interest, or memory for special interests anymore.)

My interests have changed from more intense ones to more "light" ones. For example I used to play video games for hours at a time, now I only do it for an hour or two. I do still enjoy a great variety of things and indulge myself with obsessions. I feel that an obsession, even if fleeting, is important for an aspie's mental health. It's good to feel alive and enjoy being yourself.

3. you no longer remember how you thought or felt about things back when you were a child? For example, I know that I was picked on and bullied for being weird, but I don't remember whether I had trouble looking people in the eye.

Oh I still remember. The feeling of wonder and innocence didn't fade yet. I still have the heart of a child. I'm writing a memoir of my childhood and a collection of family stories. I have synesthesia and it probably helps with memory recalls. The funny thing is the first few years felt like a previous life. I had a completely different personality back then and very strong emotions. It's hard to forget being a different person.

I love that you asked this. I have had similar-ish questions, but I'm a bit younger than you. (I turn 40 on Monday).

1. Yes. I am much better at this than I was when I was younger. I do not always respond appropriately, but I give myself a lot more grace than I used to now that I know I'm autistic. I don't think I will ever stop studying other people. The hypervigilance I experience in social situations is second nature to me at this point... Half coping mechanism, half special interest... always exhausting, but definitely worth the effort...
2. When I was younger, my special interests were narrower. For instance, I was obsessed with anime and Japanese culture from elementary school to middle school. As I've gotten older, my special interests are broader. I love learning about almost anything to do with the sciences, maths, neurology, sociology, and philosophy almost as much as I love binging good science fiction and fantasy media.
3. I was ostracized a lot as a child, but I was also picked on and bullied like you. I recall being perplexed by the fact that my peers either wanted nothing to do with me or they wanted to crush my spirits. I recall trying over and over again to be different people to fit in, but my attempts to imitate neurotypical behavior all inevitably backfired on me. Regardless, the cruelty of my peers and negligence of the adults who were supposed to care for me left scars that defined who I was and how I interacted with the world into early adulthood. It's likely the root of my ongoing social anxiety and aforementioned hypervigilance in public.
As I grew older, I had trouble relating to the exceptionally shy child that I was, and the angry, closed off teenager/young adult that little girl grew into. They were versions of myself that ceased to exist, and they felt like strangers to me.
I don't feel that way as much anymore. In fact, I feel like I'm reconsolidating. As a late-diagnosed autistic person, it makes more sense to me now than ever why I was the way I was at these stages in my life, and that makes me feel less detached from the memories I have of myself.

I am sometimes better at interpreting emotions. Especially in certain situations such as work and at home.


My focus on my interest are still very strong. They are fewer but. Painting, reading books for example.

Eye contact is more troublesome with age. Not sure why maybe because I am more aware of it. I am more aware that people actually seek eye contact and that can be troublesome for me.