Tact

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Do people complain about your lack of tact?

I think tact is my mask. When the mask drops I simply state facts. I don't say "you're wrong" or "you're stupid" but I don't try to sugarcoat. This is deeply offensive to some neurotypical people.

One of them today got very upset about how my statement of facts was "disrespectful" to a dead person they knew and offered this criticism that pivoted into a weird backhanded compliment:

"Another person could have said what you did, with tact, but you chose not to. I have to believe that is because you are proud of the way that you are. If you find behaving the way you do benefits you, I support you and extend kudos to you."

Not usually to my face.

I was terrible with tact for many, many years. I've just about learned to be a bit more tactful in my late twenties/early thirties.

Verbally - no.

I'm really bad at it verbally because of mutism, social anxiety, and not wanting to make eye contact.
I try to be as quick and painless as possible but end up seeming curt, blunt, and cold due to my honesty.
I also have a processing delay so the right emotion or understanding doesn't always hit at the right time.



In writing - yes.

If I can edit my choice of words and take my time I have a lot of tact and I'm very reasonable.

I second this. I really prefer to communicate by writing because I am not good with blurting things out in social situations.

Recently I entered a more complex social structure, a company...
My boss is constantly telling me "You have to say things with more tact" because she receives complaints about me.

From my point of view, I'm saying the correct. She says that what I say to others isn't disrespectful, but it's too direct. I didn't experience this before because in my family we are direct.

The problem with tact is you're supposed to have it all the time. I used to think that once I felt more comfortable around someone, or I was sure they liked me, I could let down the guard--but no, apparently it needs to be turned on all the time in all interactions! It makes sense, but it definitely slows my already slow social processing down. Also agreeing with people here that written v. verbal is very different because of the sensory demands.

^^^^. ^^^^^^^
Yes.. indeed.. and am guilty of this ,what I thought was " common sense" , but comfortably it seemed the only people I seem to let my guard down is around "other autists" (friends known for years) And even that can ruffle feathers , i think ? But in my defense other Aspies comfortable around me,sometimes use the wrong word as a sort of ,adjective modifier . And by context ,you can discern meaning .Sometimes NTs aswell, are mis-speaking .
But often, I will ask for clarification .

And big time agreement with Isabella's posts in this thread! ,but they are equally scarey, because , had not read
these symptoms, all put into one post, And then realized how that could be precieved . So guess, am becoming a hypocrite . Cause when I am [OUTTA SPOONS ] concerning my tact level , will very quickly go to "Zero"tact at the speed of light. but i think perhaps , I am Gonna be alittle more reserved when I call people out for being tactless,with me. BUT
No apologies,for those times when , am in negative spoon territory Especially when am not allowed meltdown
or recovery time