Do some NTs pick up on our differences more than others?

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This is a question I've been meaning to pose, as to whether certain NTs have a knack for detecting something is "off" about folk with ASD who are both high-functioning and high-masking, like myself. Clearly, it's very hard to say for sure, because virtually NO ONE will tell you that they detect an unexplained difference in you.

But IME, I've noticed that certainly personality types - like the Cluster-B and Type-A personalities - tend to be much "better" at detecting high-masking, high-functioning autistics. It's almost like they're programmed to sense "weakness" (= difference), and persecute us for it.

Or, to put it another way, I've got a quote that (IMHO) has a good deal of wisdom: "Those who are most likely to detect your differences are those who are least likely to want to help you."

But for the majority of people, I think (and I find) that I can fool them into believing I fit within the boundaries of neurotypical, thanks to a lot of intensive masking that included practice in front of the mirror , getting advice from a trusted circle of NT friends, journalling, memorizing lists of social rules, etc.

What prompted this thread was that I read somewhere else, can't recall where but it wasn't an WP forum, someone with autism posted a statement "It doesn't matter how much you mask, people will always pick up on it."

To me that sounds like hyperbole, or speaking in absolutes, and I can't say that's been my lived experience...if that offers reassurance to my fellow autists... because I know we have a tendency to think in black-and-white. I think it's more accurate to say that "eventually people are likely to pick up on it" or "there will almost certainly be someone who picks up on it", but not everyone for every ASD individual (remember, when you've met one of us, you've met only one of us).

Think of it as a parallel to the Abe Lincoln quote, "You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you cannot fool all of the people all of the time."

Back in 2003, still in my 20s and with a diagnosis two years prior, I'd gone to a new therapist who said that he couldn't tell that I had it - or if I did it's very slight. This was because I never turned off my masking, I kept practicing, reflecting, etc., because I craved having a decent lifestyle and some female intimacy... which I got... but in any case, that was telling - a trained mental health professional couldn't tell. Which was a big reassurance to me, and I had more confidence in the next job I went to, which I lasted in for years despite some executive function issues that I had to work on.

Also around that time, going thru a series of fairly short-term relationships, I'll never forget what one pretty woman said after making out on her couch... I noticed she seemed upset (yes, I noticed!!) and asked her about it, then she replied "Well, I just wish you'd just be yourself and stop trying so hard all the time." So, it was clear to me that she noticed; things unravelled from there, she tearfully broke up with me explaining that it wasn't due to any serious incident but something that she couldn't put her finger on, something that just didn't "feel right" - so it could've been some occasional lapses like who knows, maybe I had the "wrong" expression while we watched DVD movies together during certain scenes, or maybe I didn't pick up on a "hint" or two and attain the "minimum NT passmark" for normalcy... who knows.

But yeah. It does reveal that despite suppression of our manifestations, some NT folk tend to pick up on it better than others.
That's my theory.

Yeah, I know everyone knows there's something quirky about me, but I don't care these days. I like being a bit different, perhaps mysterious to some, because I've come across many people in my life who seem quirky or mysterious too. I'm often thinking "is that person on the spectrum, or have some other neurodiverse condition, or were they just brought up differently to me, or what?" Unless they show obvious signs of autism, you'll never really know (unless they say).

Whether I mask or not, I've still never been a typical Aspie. My symptoms sort of manifest in a less autistic way if that makes sense. To most people, even to other spectrumers, high-functioning autism looks like visibly stimming, looking and acting nerdy, speaking in a low monotone sort of way, avoiding eye contact, not highly expressive, following rules by the book, and not being that social unless it's linked to an interest of theirs. If someone seems odd but isn't really most of these things, then even I wouldn't know they're on the spectrum unless they said so themselves.

Sometimes spectrumer's social lives can throw me, like if someone who seems quite spectrum-y but have a very social history, I'm thinking "surely they can't be on the spectrum if they had that many friends when young." It might be because my youth days mostly involved being a shut-in with hardly no friends, despite me being quite extroverted, expressive, and craving company, and not being a typical "nerdy" Aspie. So I'm often wondering how other Aspies lead such full social lives, particularly in youth. Although I try to remind myself that they probably drank alcohol, and also that somehow autism doesn't stop one from having friends.

While I'm not the stereotypical Aspie, my social life when I was younger was the stereotypical social life of an autistic teenager. Due to pride, I find that quite embarrassing.

I think people see me as a bit eccentric or shy but how they respond to it depends how much they like me I think? And how much prior knowledge they have.
People don't generally assume anything is wrong with me, I don't present as all that stereotypical. I'm just geeky. When people describe me, ie friends paying a compliment or something like that, they used laymans terms for personality traits anyone can have. But the terms have double meaning when you know. Stuff like "you're unapologetically yourself", "unique", "passionate", "honest/straight to the point" are things I hear often. So I feel like they know but they don't know what they know, maybe because they happen to like it? As I've learned the important social skills over time, I can "pull off" any natural weirdness that remains. An old friend used to tell me that on paper I'm weird or should be, but in practice I'm easy to be around so I don't weird him out. In situations like this I figure it wise not to bring up the A word, because they see me as distinctly me and not a label, it would be like breaking the matrix otherwise. The most clocky thing about me is that I'm clumsy, rarely make eye contact and have tics but the tics are indicative of mild tourettes, not autism per se. And the suspected tourettes HAS been pointed out by people before.
My best friend says I'm a dork but there's nothing WRONG with me that he can find. Another of my close friends said she'd be able to tell because she's also an autist but assures me that to the untrained eye I'm a geek at most.
Being read as normal but quirky presents a problem when the negatives get highlighted. Like being told I'm being too "grumpy" because a day isn't going to plan (a super specific plan I've invented in my own head usually lol so it looks like random bitchiness out of nowhere) or I've done too much that day. If I was more stereotypically spergy seeming off the bat, I think people would understand instead of treating it like a moral failing.
If someone sees my stressy, anxious side it's a lot more clocky so I've def had a stranger speak to me all soft like there's something amiss, because they met me mid stressing. That's fairly rare though.

To respond to an earlier point about stereotypical spergs having rich social lives, it's very possible. Anyone can have friends regardless of clockiness, it's a case of finding your crowd. Clocky nerds are drawn to other clocky nerds. I'm not very stereotypical myself, but I'm no master of disguise either, and I've had friends my whole life. As a kid I was picked on mercilessly but there were always someone(s) who appreciated me for who I am. Being eccentric isn't an objectively dislikeable trait afterall. My social life as a teenager was rather lacklustre but I did have a couple of friends. As a young adult I got into the furry fandom irl and that's an aspie paradise so I get to experience blending in seamlessly with a crowd and having parties and decently sized friend groups and such.

I model for a life drawing class and in the early days of doing so, I was given a lift home one day by one of the artists. And he was talking about a relative or the relative of a friend, and said of them "she's on the spectrum, like.." while doing a bit of a nod. He emphasised the sentence in a way thats implies "also" or something I would know about. It caught me off guard but I didn't ask why he said it like that I just chose to ignore it. Either I'm paranoid or I'd been clocked.

It's funny because I'm actually really bad at picking up on this! I'm not autistic but I'm not NT either.

The amount of times I've befriended someone and they've turned out to be autistic, when I did not pick up on that at all, is substantial.

I swear wherever I go, I almost always end up unintentionally befriending neurodiverse and / or not-straight people who are a bit alternative. I don't even mean to, it just happens.

Somehow that happened at work recently and I'm only a Christmas temp. We just gravitate towards each other, somehow.

I'm "high functioning" in appearance.
But also not masking. I don't even try.

However?
Those who did noticed my differences are registered as "being from another region or country" than whatever most people deem as "weakness".

10+ years of walking alone in the street at night, and my routes are not "consistent" not necessarily safe says I don't come off as someone weak enough to be prey upon apparently.

Probably because I don't have any fear response underneath whatever most people tend to catch on.
Instead, they'd probably register a form of aggression from me. They likely won't end up seeing "weakness" more like "threat". A good portion of the time, I looked like someone who's looking for a fight than someone who's avoiding it.


Most ND accounts portrays that they're the ones being awkward.
I, on the other hand; I'm the one who's portraying everyone else being awkward.

As if I'm not the one who feels like being judged like most NDs tend to experience; the other party are the ones who feels like being judged by me despite that I'm so indifferent to whatever. Of course it'll offend people who are on the "higher hierarchy"; which made me disrespect them more because such expectations would register as "being petty" to me.

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I think most people know we are different. That does not equate to them suspecting we are autistic. That does not equate to them thinking that we are different is a bad thing.

Yes.

I have a master's in sociology and originally this was one of the things I was going to look into. I'm NT and I'm one of these people who can pick up on autism traits pretty quickly. Other things too, but autism is what we're talking about here.

You can kind of make your own judgements about what "type" of people can easily pick up on your mannerisms and masking. My opinion is that several different types of people may be better at it than others, and most of them would not tell you whatever it is that is giving you away. Why would they? That alone would be a breach of social etiquette.

It is important for you guys to remember that you have a couple different common things going on with autism. I'm sorry to say that they kind of work against each other. The first is that most of you are easier to manipulate than other people. If you run across a truly bad person, especially a person who knows you well, you may be tricked. By the time you figure it out, the damage is done and it's traumatic. The second is that most of you have a natural error finding ability, and this seems to somehow lead you to misjudge some things to be more negative than they might be to another person.

For example, let's say that you and I are having a conversation and I say that I really need to go because I have a cake I need to put in the oven. You are suspicious and think that I am lying. I AM lying. You come away from the conversation perhaps thinking, wow, that lady couldn't wait to get away from me, what did I say wrong? In reality, I was about to sh*t my pants and didn't want to do it in front of you. So often autists are correct and not correct at the same time in social judgements.

So like anyone else in life, you do your best with social situations. Keep in mind that some NTs are actually worse than you are with social skills and are simply unaware of it. Being mindful and practicing may pull you ahead of the game over time.