Page 1 of 3 [ 33 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2, 3  Next

StrugglingFrustration
Butterfly
Butterfly

Joined: 24 Jan 2024
Age: 30
Gender: Male
Posts: 13

24 Jan 2024, 2:34 pm

I've reviewed topics on WP before, so I hope it doesn't sound redundant. A quick introduction, I'm 29 and never had a date or first kiss. I feel that being socially awkward has a role to play in this, which is why I hate being on the spectrum. I'd like to know any strategies that may help in dating especially when I have restricted interests and can't perform a new hobby without being bored after a few hours. Thanks!



Edna3362
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 29 Oct 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 11,643
Location: ᜆᜄᜎᜓᜄ᜔

24 Jan 2024, 2:59 pm

I'm also almost the same age, and same inaction; never kissed, never date, etc.

Reason: Sheer Indifference.
We ain't the same.

I cannot relate that desire and the reasoning of having "social awkwardness" (I'm not even sure if I can relate to social awkwardness as a situation instead of as a mood) getting in the way of said desire; and hating autism just for 'that' particular 'aspiration'.

Though it's an all too common topic amongst autistics. Particularly, allosexuals/alloromantics...
My indifference is not merely for 'being autistic' or socially anxious and in-denial for those who cannot relate.


All in all, I recommend putting this thread to Love and Dating; a section that I never even bother remembering it's existence :lol: for asking dating tips and relationship advices.


_________________
Gained Number Post Count (1).
Lose Time (n).

Lose more time here - Updates at least once a week.


catpiecakebutter
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

Joined: 13 Feb 2020
Gender: Female
Posts: 130

24 Jan 2024, 3:27 pm

Try not to feel to bad about never dating anyone. I'm turning 40 in March and I haven't dated anyone since I was 22.



ToughDiamond
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 15 Sep 2008
Age: 71
Gender: Male
Posts: 11,586

24 Jan 2024, 3:29 pm

My son (who I think has a bit of ASD) was 29 when he complained to me that he'd still not had a girlfriend. I advised him to try to engineer his social life so that he'd come into contact with more single women. He found a partner not long afterwards, though I don't know how helpful my advice was.

I also went through some angst about feeling left out of the dating and mating game, though I somehow got lucky well before I was 29, and I suppose that gave me a bit of experience and confidence.

Prior to that, one of the hardest things was learning not to act desperate even though I felt desperate. I also didn't know quite what I wanted a girlfriend for, and didn't know what my criteria were for selecting one - I guess I felt that beggars can't be choosers and so I didn't much care who it was as long as it was somebody. After a couple of painful failed relationships, I remember figuring out one day that I was going to have to get more picky, and that thought worried me because it was very rare that I found even one woman who seemed interested in me.

I think it helped when I figured out that relationships are just a specialised form of friendship, and that if I became good at making friends generally, then relationships would likely follow. And it helps relationships to work well if your partner is also your best friend. Also it's easier to bear being partnerless when you have friends, and very likely the opposite sex is rightly wary of suitors who have none.

I don't know that my interests have had much to do with it, except that I'm a musician. One guy said, "women like a man who plays a guitar and sings a bit." There's probably some truth in that, but my musical skill has rarely been the direct primary cause of new relationships. It's been invaluable in getting me accepted socially though, so I suppose there must have been some indirect effect. Anyway, unless you happen to be really interested in performing music for its own sake, it won't help you. I've not been able to share my special interests with others very much at all, because others are hardly ever interested in the tedious details I indulge in, but they often like the results.

I don't know what else to advise, except that sometimes the way to get North is to go South - i.e. it may be better not to try to solve the problem of partnerlessness in a full-on, direct way, but to just try not to worry about it much, and to gradually develop your general social skills, make friends, and figure out what you want in a woman. But I know it's easier said than done, and that being partnerless is a thing that often nags at people horribly.

Hope this helps.



StrugglingFrustration
Butterfly
Butterfly

Joined: 24 Jan 2024
Age: 30
Gender: Male
Posts: 13

24 Jan 2024, 4:49 pm

If it helps for context, I was obese the past 5 years and just started recently slimming down. My height is 5'10". Now I'm at 183 lbs when I started last year at 205 lbs. Another factor is balding; looking at earlier photos of myself, I had a full head of hair and now it's significantly thinned, so I'd probably need a hair transplant to fix that.

It seems "politically incorrect" to mention appearance being a factor in dating, but I believe that's a major cause. I NEVER hear women say, "You're too desperate", "you're not funny", "you're not confident", etc. So, my personality doesn't have major flaws. It could point to me being below average in looks. I've used Tinder and Bumble (dating apps) and pretty much get no matches, so that's evidence of looks playing a role.

When I laugh, I can see my double-chin, which is embarrassing.



Double Retired
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 31 Jul 2020
Age: 69
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,344
Location: U.S.A.         (Mid-Atlantic)

24 Jan 2024, 7:16 pm

ToughDiamond wrote:
I think it helped when I figured out that relationships are just a specialised form of friendship, and that if I became good at making friends generally, then relationships would likely follow. And it helps relationships to work well if your partner is also your best friend. Also it's easier to bear being partnerless when you have friends, and very likely the opposite sex is rightly wary of suitors who have none.
There's much truth there.

I was not much on dating until my late 20s. Even then I wasn't good at it.

There were a few girls that interested me and a very few girls that were interested me. And no girls that did both...

...by the time I reached 40 I gave up.

When I was over 40 I didn't see gals as possible future prospects. The were just people. That viewpoint helped.

When I was 42 I met a gal at a party. We had a nice chat and I never expected to see her again.

We've been married for more than 20 years now!


_________________
When diagnosed I bought champagne!
I finally knew why people were strange.


StrugglingFrustration
Butterfly
Butterfly

Joined: 24 Jan 2024
Age: 30
Gender: Male
Posts: 13

24 Jan 2024, 7:31 pm

Double Retired wrote:
ToughDiamond wrote:
I think it helped when I figured out that relationships are just a specialised form of friendship, and that if I became good at making friends generally, then relationships would likely follow. And it helps relationships to work well if your partner is also your best friend. Also it's easier to bear being partnerless when you have friends, and very likely the opposite sex is rightly wary of suitors who have none.
There's much truth there.

I was not much on dating until my late 20s. Even then I wasn't good at it.

There were a few girls that interested me and a very few girls that were interested me. And no girls that did both...

...by the time I reached 40 I gave up.

When I was over 40 I didn't see gals as possible future prospects. The were just people. That viewpoint helped.

When I was 42 I met a gal at a party. We had a nice chat and I never expected to see her again.

We've been married for more than 20 years now!


I've had bouts of "not looking for a girlfriend" and looking for one. It didn't make any difference. I will say that in your time, over 20 years ago, online dating wasn't a big thing, and now half of the people that you could meet in person are now on apps like Tinder/Bumble/Hinge.



bee33
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 19 Apr 2008
Age: 60
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,467

24 Jan 2024, 10:49 pm

StrugglingFrustration wrote:
If it helps for context, I was obese the past 5 years and just started recently slimming down. My height is 5'10". Now I'm at 183 lbs when I started last year at 205 lbs. Another factor is balding; looking at earlier photos of myself, I had a full head of hair and now it's significantly thinned, so I'd probably need a hair transplant to fix that.

It seems "politically incorrect" to mention appearance being a factor in dating, but I believe that's a major cause. I NEVER hear women say, "You're too desperate", "you're not funny", "you're not confident", etc. So, my personality doesn't have major flaws. It could point to me being below average in looks. I've used Tinder and Bumble (dating apps) and pretty much get no matches, so that's evidence of looks playing a role.

When I laugh, I can see my double-chin, which is embarrassing.
If you're 5'10" and 183 lbs you're really not fat at all. But chubby and bald guys can be perfectly cute and dateable, even if you are either of those. I don't think looks are probably the problem, since there are women with many different tastes in men, and I'm sure you've seen men who are not particularly handsome who have wives or girlfriends.

I am not super-familiar with dating apps but from what I have seen they are terrible. Is there a way for you to socialize in person, especially with friends or other people you already know? Because that is a much better way to meet people who are already in a context of other people you like or know.



CockneyRebel
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Jul 2004
Age: 49
Gender: Male
Posts: 113,637
Location: Stalag 13

24 Jan 2024, 10:51 pm

I'm 49 and I've never had a date. That doesn't really bother me. Relationships are not my top priority.


_________________
Who wants to adopt a Sweet Pea?


Mikurotoro92
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 30 Aug 2022
Age: 31
Gender: Female
Posts: 777
Location: Mushroom Kingdom or Bikini Bottom

25 Jan 2024, 1:03 am

I might always complain about my current partner-less situation but I can at least say with 100% confidence that I have dated before and I have also been kissed on the lips (passionately I might add)!

I have also came VERY close to having sex!! !


_________________
"You have never experienced true love but that doesn't mean you won't EVER find it!" -SpongeBob SquarePants


Mikurotoro92
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 30 Aug 2022
Age: 31
Gender: Female
Posts: 777
Location: Mushroom Kingdom or Bikini Bottom

25 Jan 2024, 1:07 am

ToughDiamond wrote:
My son (who I think has a bit of ASD) was 29 when he complained to me that he'd still not had a girlfriend. I advised him to try to engineer his social life so that he'd come into contact with more single women. He found a partner not long afterwards, though I don't know how helpful my advice was.

I also went through some angst about feeling left out of the dating and mating game, though I somehow got lucky well before I was 29, and I suppose that gave me a bit of experience and confidence.

Prior to that, one of the hardest things was learning not to act desperate even though I felt desperate. I also didn't know quite what I wanted a girlfriend for, and didn't know what my criteria were for selecting one - I guess I felt that beggars can't be choosers and so I didn't much care who it was as long as it was somebody. After a couple of painful failed relationships, I remember figuring out one day that I was going to have to get more picky, and that thought worried me because it was very rare that I found even one woman who seemed interested in me.

I think it helped when I figured out that relationships are just a specialised form of friendship, and that if I became good at making friends generally, then relationships would likely follow. And it helps relationships to work well if your partner is also your best friend. Also it's easier to bear being partnerless when you have friends, and very likely the opposite sex is rightly wary of suitors who have none.


That's it!! !

That is the key to finding love!! !

Treat romantic relationships as evolved friendships


_________________
"You have never experienced true love but that doesn't mean you won't EVER find it!" -SpongeBob SquarePants


ToughDiamond
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 15 Sep 2008
Age: 71
Gender: Male
Posts: 11,586

25 Jan 2024, 2:33 am

bee33 wrote:
StrugglingFrustration wrote:
If it helps for context, I was obese the past 5 years and just started recently slimming down. My height is 5'10". Now I'm at 183 lbs when I started last year at 205 lbs. Another factor is balding; looking at earlier photos of myself, I had a full head of hair and now it's significantly thinned, so I'd probably need a hair transplant to fix that.

It seems "politically incorrect" to mention appearance being a factor in dating, but I believe that's a major cause. I NEVER hear women say, "You're too desperate", "you're not funny", "you're not confident", etc. So, my personality doesn't have major flaws. It could point to me being below average in looks. I've used Tinder and Bumble (dating apps) and pretty much get no matches, so that's evidence of looks playing a role.

When I laugh, I can see my double-chin, which is embarrassing.
If you're 5'10" and 183 lbs you're really not fat at all. But chubby and bald guys can be perfectly cute and dateable, even if you are either of those. I don't think looks are probably the problem, since there are women with many different tastes in men, and I'm sure you've seen men who are not particularly handsome who have wives or girlfriends.

I am not super-familiar with dating apps but from what I have seen they are terrible. Is there a way for you to socialize in person, especially with friends or other people you already know? Because that is a much better way to meet people who are already in a context of other people you like or know.

I think there's a lot of truth in that about looks. I used to worry far too much about being considered unattractive physically, but I don't think generally speaking that women see male looks as their top priority. For one thing, every individual woman seems to have their own view of what's physically attractive. I've seen lots of non-handsome men with partners. I've been bald for years but I still found partners. Handsome is as handsome does.



ToughDiamond
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 15 Sep 2008
Age: 71
Gender: Male
Posts: 11,586

25 Jan 2024, 4:30 pm

StrugglingFrustration wrote:
I've had bouts of "not looking for a girlfriend" and looking for one. It didn't make any difference. I will say that in your time, over 20 years ago, online dating wasn't a big thing, and now half of the people that you could meet in person are now on apps like Tinder/Bumble/Hinge.

With me it was more of an attitude thing - in my early days I was rather obsessional about it, and it probably showed, and made girls back off. I think I learned to hide the obsession better, and as time went by there was less to hide because the obsession abated as I grew up. But opportunities were always rare and still are (I suspect they are for most normal people) so I have no hard statistical evidence that it made any difference, it's just a hunch but it's based on some kind of reasoning. I don't think I've ever been completely closed to romantic opportunity unless I was already partnered, but I just became calmer about it. Your experiences may be very different.

Dating apps are rather another thing. In my day much the same thing could be done but it was via snail mail, bricks-and-mortar dating agencies, and small ads in newspapers. Many people frowned upon it as an admission of desperation, but it's accepted as more respectable these days. I was "reduced" to it myself in the early days and as recently as the 1990s. I noticed that the girls / women would play down the idea that they'd done it out of desperation, and would say things like "I only joined for a laugh and because a friend pushed me into it." or "I'm not looking for a relationship, I just like meeting people." I guess women tended to be more embarrassed about these things, on account of the social rule that the man should make the first move. I don't think I've ever had a partner who hasn't claimed that she originally didn't fancy me and hadn't been thinking about romance when we first got in touch.

Anyway things have probably moved on since those days. One worry I always had about the aforementioned artificial dating game was this: it seemed likely that a lot of the people were doing it that way because they couldn't get partners the "normal" way, perhaps due to personality flaws that were putting people off for very good reasons. And if two such people artificially throw themselves together simply because they don't like being partnerless, it could be the recipe for a perfect storm. But having said that, the partners I met in the "normal" way don't seem to have been any more mature, emotionally healthy, or compatible with me than the others.

Have you tried using those dating apps? If so, what's been your experience of them?



Kitty4670
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 18 Nov 2014
Gender: Female
Posts: 8,031
Location: California,USA

26 Jan 2024, 1:56 am

I’m 53, I had one boyfriend at a disabled workshop, I was 20, we never dated, I had my first kiss, it was like a wet fish, we made out too, my relationship with him lasted 4 months, we broke up, cuz he cheated on me. I talked to alot of guys online, I had online boyfriends. My last relationship was online, I was going to meet him.



Mikurotoro92
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 30 Aug 2022
Age: 31
Gender: Female
Posts: 777
Location: Mushroom Kingdom or Bikini Bottom

26 Jan 2024, 2:18 am

Kitty4670 wrote:
I’m 53, I had one boyfriend at a disabled workshop, I was 20, we never dated, I had my first kiss, it was like a wet fish, we made out too, my relationship with him lasted 4 months, we broke up, cuz he cheated on me. I talked to alot of guys online, I had online boyfriends. My last relationship was online, I was going to meet him.


I haven't made out with a guy in YEARS!! !

I miss it which is one of MANY reasons I am looking for a romantic relationship


_________________
"You have never experienced true love but that doesn't mean you won't EVER find it!" -SpongeBob SquarePants


StrugglingFrustration
Butterfly
Butterfly

Joined: 24 Jan 2024
Age: 30
Gender: Male
Posts: 13

26 Jan 2024, 9:43 am

ToughDiamond wrote:
bee33 wrote:
StrugglingFrustration wrote:
If it helps for context, I was obese the past 5 years and just started recently slimming down. My height is 5'10". Now I'm at 183 lbs when I started last year at 205 lbs. Another factor is balding; looking at earlier photos of myself, I had a full head of hair and now it's significantly thinned, so I'd probably need a hair transplant to fix that.

It seems "politically incorrect" to mention appearance being a factor in dating, but I believe that's a major cause. I NEVER hear women say, "You're too desperate", "you're not funny", "you're not confident", etc. So, my personality doesn't have major flaws. It could point to me being below average in looks. I've used Tinder and Bumble (dating apps) and pretty much get no matches, so that's evidence of looks playing a role.

When I laugh, I can see my double-chin, which is embarrassing.
If you're 5'10" and 183 lbs you're really not fat at all. But chubby and bald guys can be perfectly cute and dateable, even if you are either of those. I don't think looks are probably the problem, since there are women with many different tastes in men, and I'm sure you've seen men who are not particularly handsome who have wives or girlfriends.

I am not super-familiar with dating apps but from what I have seen they are terrible. Is there a way for you to socialize in person, especially with friends or other people you already know? Because that is a much better way to meet people who are already in a context of other people you like or know.

I think there's a lot of truth in that about looks. I used to worry far too much about being considered unattractive physically, but I don't think generally speaking that women see male looks as their top priority. For one thing, every individual woman seems to have their own view of what's physically attractive. I've seen lots of non-handsome men with partners. I've been bald for years but I still found partners. Handsome is as handsome does.


It depends on the types of women I'm interested in. I sometimes go to a church young adult group in the Houston area. A lot of girls there are very attractive. To get an idea, you can look at the @pursuitlbs Instagram account. Most of them are fit and attractive, as are many of the guys.

As far as dating apps like Tinder, I got a few matches over the last year and they mostly didn't respond when I opened up saying, "Hey [name]! How's your day?". Some people told me to update my bio and add funny jokes or prompts but people don't usually look at your bio if they don't like your pictures. It's as if your personality matters if you are decent looking. I will say that in your 20s, looks play a key role in dating and women don't mention its importance because a lot of guys can't handle the truth.