What are you like during wakes or funerals?

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Age1600
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30 Aug 2007, 8:04 pm

I had to go to a wake tonight, It was bad, I counted all the ceiling tiles, and just was so out of it. I hate the hugs people give you, or the kiss on the cheeks its soo annoying. I never say sorry, because I don't really feel sorry, I don't know whats wrong with me, I mean their in heaven now, so why is this a bad thing, never understood the concept.

When my brother passed away I just stood in the corner and went into my own world as people came up to me and started talking to me, I kinda shut them out and repeated what they said half the time, of course they thought it was cute. I mostly leaned up against the wall and they would try to trip me, so during the whole time all I wanted done was to be tripped to pretend to fall, it passed the time. I also ended up thinking of funny things and made myself laugh a couple times.

At my fathers wake I did basically the same thing, but this time I kinda walked around and hovered for a bit, pacing back and forth, walked over to a couple of the flowers and rubbed the flowers because I love that feeling for some reason, then randomly walked over to the pictures we put up to look at them then would find myself a corner to just stand there and go in my own world. Everybody else was crying and upset, I just looked like I was in another world, had no sadness what so ever. When people walked up to me I talked for a bit then would leave in the middle of the conversation, if people tried to touch me like my boyfriend with a warm hug I would push him away and run to the bathroom.

Tonight I had to go to my neighbors wake, I went with my mother and brother, first I started off by counting the tiles again, then as everybody greeted me, I just put my hand out right away to shake and turn my head, never made eye contact, some people gave me a kiss on the cheek which I just turned my head right away to take the kiss. I did do things though that my family thought was weird, which was point out things, like I saw a guy and told him he was tall, saw a lady pointed at her necklace and said its made of rock, saw this guy who had a tie on that had the color blue i loved so I pointed and touched his tie, and said I like your tie and just kept walking haha, to me this is normal, after all of that was done, we went to say good bye to everybody and I just replied see you tommorrow for the funeral and walked out.

I've been to so many funerals and wakes its unbelievable, but anyways What is everybody elses experiences at funerals and wakes, what are you like during them?



richardbenson
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30 Aug 2007, 8:15 pm

i laughed at my stepdads funeral, and was subsequently BANNED for life ever attending another one again! :jester:



Aulrade
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30 Aug 2007, 8:20 pm

I'm the exact same way. I don't think it's odd but most people are just trying to 'play the role' at funerals and you're more true to yourself. That's a good thing.

I also hate expressions of empathy and that feeling it induces. I think I would have troubles crying if one of my loved ones died. It's not that I'm holding it back but that I just don't care to play that role. I like being realistic. I love you but we must move on.

My mind tends to completely go blank at funerals and I try to avoid interaction as much as I can. There's just so much I can relate to your explanation of how you are at funerals that's so wrong and right at the same time. I can understand and connect so well with.

However...*pats you on the back* I'm sorry. :wink:


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BlueMax
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30 Aug 2007, 9:39 pm

I can relate.... I mean, I just lost my job and family only two days ago.. I haven't seen my kids in a week. With the exception of a couple moments where I cried (been triggered by a picture of my own kids, or a crying baby that reminds me of my baby boy) I've just been...... blank. Totally blank. My mom's in a tizzy and even more freaked out that I'm not a bawling, emotional wreck and is totally convinced I'm going to commit suicide because I'm acting so weird.

Then in the same breath, doubts I could ever possibly have Asperger's. ;) "You're not like Rain Man! You're a smart boy!!" Yeesh.

And I hate the casual hugs too. Such a loving activity is saved for genuine affection, not shallow people pretending they care about you for five minutes before they go back to their selfish little lives.


[edit] I'm sorry... this thread is about you.... and I made it about me. I gotta' be careful about that. It's not good social behaviour! ;)



hartzofspace
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30 Aug 2007, 9:42 pm

I worked, at one time, for a Funeral company. Meaning, I sold funeral plans, where you got a free cemetery plot for agreeing to a presentation, and then had the option to pick out your casket and what not. There were payment plans to make it easier. I took a part time job with the same Company, as a Bereavement counselor, which meant that I had to help people arrange everything for a recent death. I didn't like dealing with the emotions. I didn't mind driving to the cemetery gates to meet the funeral procession and lead it to the plot, because I didn't know any of the people and my job was just to stand by and make sure everything went smoothly. As for funerals, I never know what to do or say.


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30 Aug 2007, 9:43 pm

I've only been to one funeral and I was seven at the time. Lucky for me, they had me and my cousins go play in another room the whole time. So while everyone was crying in one room, we were laughing and having a good time in the other!



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30 Aug 2007, 10:34 pm

My great-grandfather passed away this year.
Before the funeral started, some people volunteered to set up the seating area. I volunteered but ended up getting really angry because the others weren't placing the chairs symmetricly like I wanted.
Before the actual ceremony started everyone got asked if they wanted to view the casket. I viewed, but did not cry or laugh or show any kind of emotion. I just stood there and said to my grandmother "He lost a lot of weight before he died, atleast it wont be heavy to carry the casket".

Then when the ceremony was on, I was reading all of the things on the wall, such as the names of everyone who was in WW2 in the airforce (my great-grandfather was in the airforce in WW2 so we had the funeral at the airforce base). And then I started laughing as there was a funny name on the wall, it was "Darrison Dorris". I got told off for doing that after the ceremony had finished.

I also went around telling old people that they had bald spots on the back of their heads, I thought they might have wanted to know. But my Mother said that I didn't need to do that.

When people were trying to give me a hug or a kiss I backed away, I dont like it. People were telling me that they were sorry. But they have nothing to be sorry about as they never killed him, he died of cancer at age 86.

I refuse to go to another funeral, thats all I can say.


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30 Aug 2007, 11:43 pm

I'm usually very much like NTs expect people to act: quiet most of the time, and feeling sad. Most of the time, I'm sitting or standing silently. When asked, I tell a quick life story about the role the departed person played in my life, if that person meant a lot to me. If not, I give them a short empathetic statement: "I didn't know him/her very well, so I can't say much." I have no problem with hugs or kisses on the cheek in these situations, although I usually give them solely out of respect, rather than comfort.



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31 Aug 2007, 12:12 am

I went to my grandmother's wake and funeral when I was 10. I remember talking and socializing during the wake; it wasn't that depressing. Someone complimented me on my dress, I wondered out loud how such a big coffin would fit in a grave; how it would be difficult to transport (I thought the thing it was laid on was part of it), I mentioned that she looked like she was made out of plastic, I commented on how fancy the bathroom was, people asked me what subjects I liked and was good in at school and I mentioned that French was my stumbling block and my aunt joked about how French was her stumbling block too, my father said he felt like a dork or a geek or something in the dress shirt and tie (he was wearing black jeans with this not-even-formal luminous dark green dress shirt), I agreed wit him, he went to the store and got me a bag of gumdrops. :D I also remember discussing with one of my great aunts how many people died with their eyes closed.


I remember being at my grandparents' house and sitting on the floor of the living room bored, wishing time would speed up because I wanted to get to the funeral already! I picked up some butterscotch candies in gold wrappers from a container on the coffee table and held them out and said, "This is a gift to the dead", or something. My uncle told me with annoyed authoritarianism that that was disrespectful. It was kind of dumb, anyway.


When I saw people getting out dishes and food, preparing for the reception after, I asked if there would be a party or what. This seemed odd. (LOL, I accidetally typed "off" instead of "odd" and then I realized it DID seem off to me!) My father gave an amusing fact that in some cultures they had parties to celebrate the life of the deceased.


At the funeral when we went up to see the 3 pounds of chemicals in the casket before it was closed I said that her hands looked like they were made out of plastic. However, I worried that someone might have misheard me and thought I said something about the casket with "casket" in it, and "casket" was one of my verboten words. I found the word dorky; that was part of the reason. So I said louder, almost shouting, "Her hands look like they're made out of plastic!"


At the burial my 7-year-old cousin was hot in her heavy clothes so she asked if she could run over and sit under a tree a little bit away. Her mother let her. The rest of us stayed and watched the burial.


I had fun eating the food at the reception after and playing with my 7-year-old cousin; we had fun. One great-aunt said that I must be happy to be able to change back into my shorts again after wearing a dress. My cousin nonchalantly said, with some amusement, "She's dead now."


:D



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31 Aug 2007, 12:39 am

If it's someone I truly care about, I get very sappy and definitely go with sunglasses and keep them on, because I cry the whole time, especially when people talk about their experiences with the deceased. If it's someone I barely knew, or didn't care for, that's a different story, especially if I'm with someone like minded. Oh, then it ain't pretty...

Once, I was at a distant relative's funeral, and the priest was wearing an awful hairpiece, it looked like some dirty, mangy animal who died of fright and had been plopped on top of his head. And you could see his own badly dyed wiry hair sticking out from the sides like a clown. So my sister and I just looked at it in disbelief 8O , then looked at each other, and we burst out lauging as silently as we could, but then we couldn't stop giggling, no matter what. I kept trying to think of terrible things, like the time I got a gash from falling from a tree, or staring at the floor, nothing worked. Then the priest talked about how "Mr. Leblanc was by all accounts a rigid man..." and I blurted out :"well, especially now..." and my sister cracked up, nearly falling off the banquette. My maman was FURIOUS and told us to get out right now, and we went out and were laughing so hard we were bending over and falling all over the parking area.

Um, let's just say there was no dessert for us that evening... :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:



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31 Aug 2007, 12:47 am

I'm pretty much like the NT's at funerals, especially if the person was a friend or a close family member. There were a couple of times when I got the giggles, one was at my uncle's funeral when my youngest cousin fell off the pew in the church, and the second time was when people were telling funny stories about my friend who died. The first time I saw an open casket was at my grandpa's wake, and to me, he looked like a doll as the makeup was a bit too dark.


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31 Aug 2007, 1:21 am

I was at my nephew funeral earlier this year and I never really had a problem. I have found ways to handle social events very well. It is the social problem with Austism/AS that mad that wake awkward for you I do understand that.



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31 Aug 2007, 5:36 am

I HATE funerals! I try to avoid them if I can. It 's the not knowing how I should act (should I cry or not? If I do, everyone will try & make a fuss of me; if I don't people will think I'm cold).

In fact I have only been to about 3. The last one was for an ex-work colleague who I used to "fool around" with & I cried a lot because he died of alcohol abuse & it was just such a waste! I also felt guilty - like maybe I could have had a relationship with him and somehow saved him.

But at my grandmother's funeral I didn't cry at all because she had gone to my Grandad & it was what she had wanted.



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31 Aug 2007, 6:27 am

depends on the funeral,do not know what a wake is.
in one that am had gone to not long ago,the person was going to be cremated,am was thinking whether fire was going to shoot up from the part the coffin goes down through,or whether that bit happens somewhere else.
was also sat there looking at the bright light coming through the stained glass windows,looking at all the different colours around am,wanting it to hurry up so parents would take am home.
before an aunts funeral not long ago either,am went to the place with family where they dress up the bodies and have them lying down with too much make up on-am went because am wanted to see and feel what a dead human body is like.at her funeral,am was in own world again,afterwards went to a quiet pub where they had some food and drink,am sat squashed down in a corner by a bench type seat rocking in a trance like state until being dragged to go home.

am going to a funeral on monday,of a neighbour who am have always known,she is,or was a nice person,although funerals do not mean anything to am,am going out of respect for her.



kreb1958
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31 Aug 2007, 12:33 pm

I have been to a number of funerals in my lifetime, never felt sad in any of them.

I had a close relative died a few years ago, and everyone was upset, except for me, and one of the deceased's daughter (she was 8 at the time). I believe in reincarnation and they will live on in one form or another, nothing to be sad about it. I respected those who were sad and kept a solemn attitude throughout.

Other funerals in the past, one of my grandmother died, and when she was cremated, I smelt the smoke, and said "It smells like burnt flesh", and my brother who was standing next to me told me off.

I keep a list of the deceased who I have known as friends and relatives, their full names, date of death, age and cause of death. Just to remember them by.