Meltdown or Temper Tantrum, or Both?

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Hey guys. I have this weird thing i need to post and to get off my chest as i'm just so confused and weirded out by something relating to my meltdown episodes.

So, some people say that an autistic meltdown is not a temper tantrum, simply because they're tired and frustrated about the parents and other non autistic people saying that autistic meltdowns are temper tantrums. I don't know whether or not they're right or if they're wrong because i'm sure there's got to be some autistics out there that just have temper tantrums instead of a meltdown, specifically a sensory meltdown.

I may be one of those autistics who don't have sensory or routine change meltdowns. I don't think that i have meltdowns as a main part of my challenging behaviours if you get what i mean, like i'm more so having a temper tantrum during the peak of an aggressive episode which was caused by rejection usually most of the time. They're so violent and so "stereotypical" of a typical spoiled child temper tantrum that i think i have these meltdowns because i'm spoiled and not used to hearing the word no.

But that's not true, at least not from my perspective at least. Since i do deal with hearing the word no or being generally rejected by everyone really, from my parents and cousins and other family members to teachers, therapists and educational assistants and classmates. I feel as if i've mostly learned how to handle being rejected from small things but i still treat some bigger rejections as big problems which to others, are actually not big problems. I also don't have as many meltdowns as i used to when i was a child and without ABA or intervention.

Just really curious. I guess this also leads me to my next question.

I wonder if i'm actually spoiled and i'm not really/fully aware of it. I'm not rich, i don't have a lot of things, and i'm not like any of those "stereotypical" spoiled children who weren't parented at all.

My parents try to parent me to the best of their ability and that also means when it comes to consequances for my bad/good actions, the same happened at school and still happens. I'm quite humble from my perspective, or at the very least, not like those spoiled children who have a temper tantrum in walmart or whatever when they're denied a toy or something. It's weird.

And it doesn't also really make sense if i called my temper tantrums autistic meltdowns, because i think those autistic meltdowns are simply because of sensory overload or because the autistic person is quite overwhelmed not by rejection but by sensory and routine change overloads if you get what i mean.

Meltdowns had always been a problem of mine until I lose whatever untreated root causes of dysregulation crap I was having.

I spent basically my entire life dysregulated.
And no apparent triggers or external causes to show for. Only myself, only I'm the problem I'm seeing.

So maybe, it's the autism. Maybe it's those traits or that profile. And everyone else around me think so too, the reason why I'm chronically irritated and frustrated, on a verge of being violent.
Except I couldn't relate...

To many cases, their chief complaints are to do with the external; the intensities of 5 basic senses, the social pressures and remarks of whatever media they come across.

Regardless, the main complaint in most cases is external; the environment, social or otherwise.

Not me, tho. Coping the external to me is easy.
Except whatever I'm doing or not doing doesn't work, no amount of leniency, grace and accomodations work.

That I've been very, very vulnerable to burnouts. To a point that I wish I was alexithymic, with all the stigmas and implications attach to this trait, instead of this super sensitized person who feel too human.

As it turns out a good portion of my sensory triggers and sources of all that tiring crap to manage is internal; mostly composed of neglected shite ranging from unprocessed emotions and thoughts, to untreated and unmanageable chronic discomfort and pains.

Until only very recently when I got relief from most of for the entire year, I'm always 2-3 steps away from melting down, always chronically frustrated, tired and irritated -- that I apparently cannot outgrow and still followed in adulthood.

Turns out it's not even an autism trait.
But they all blame my autism for it.
That I have a developmental delay, that autism is known to struggle with emotions, yadda yadda...

Turns out it's chronic crap that I need medical intervention for; whether it's as simple as tooth extraction, losing hormonal noise even for a while so I can have the space to process thoughts and emotions...

Or finally making the unmanageable chronic rhintis into something actually manageable, so people stops assuming that I need an antipsychotic for whatever reactivity I end up having when I need an anti-inflammatory directly into the respiratory system...

As if autism is the reason why all of this crap is happening to me. As if curing autism will get rid of these issues.


While I can tolerate change to an extent, I don't actually have to get a meltdown over it unless I'm already 2-3 steps away from it.


Temper tantrums tho?
It's not like I demand a lot in life. I had kept wishing and wishing to get rid of the unmanageable causes of my chronic breathing issues and relentless decades long of daily sneezing.

Everyone around me thinks I need an attitude change or some shite. That I should get over it and accept that's the fact in life. That whatever I'm asking is impossible.

Oh except it's fricking possible.
Frick them all for thinking otherwise and shove the entire acceptance narrative to my face, especially when I'm right all along.


And when I got relief from those crap? Yes, I did changed. And people mistook losing the bottlenecking issues as "growth". Or worse, "losing autism symptoms".
Frick them, that's not growth, that's removing whatever unwanted shite human factor of an existence I have with this body.

All the crap I've done, all that pain and suffering I've been through could've been prevented if people actually cared or not dismiss all the shite I've been whining for years and years end.


Otherwise, all of that isn't me.
The emotional dysregulation isn't me.
It's not even a part of my autism.
It's not a part of my neurodivergence.

I already knew me being this "moody person" never resonated.

But what's done is done.
All I have left now are the damages done by being under state of whatever neglect, that I virtually spent 20+ years coping against all of it, and practically wasted my entire 20s getting rid of.



In the end; ultimately, the autism is not the source of whatever noise I'm dealing, unlike what most people assumed otherwise.

But that's me and my case.

Me having to be very prone to meltdowns and having this easily dysregulated trait is unnatural.
That the rage and violence that I had come to accept in my youth had been a reaction of something unwelcome that happened to overstayed because I couldn't do anything against it.
Not a part of my human core, not even to do with me being autistic.


I don't even have, say, other comorbidities or under specific profiles like PDA or in childhood like ODD or something like that.

No idea if I actually have a personality disorder, only that a lot of my dysregulated states is very associated with me "being narcissistic"; nevermind why I have little to no space to mind anything external.

Or even ADHD, but I have executive dysfunction that had little to do with dopaminergic issues.

Or mental health issues.
And if I do, it won't last if it's situational or circumstantial. Because I was forced to master emotional processing.

Or that it's purely chemical, hormonal. Still trying to deal with this since puberty. Metabolic issues doesn't help. And I'm very sure something like BPD isn't so easily solved as taking hormonal birth control pills.


Really.
It took plenty of luck to lose most of my main sources of meltdowns and burnouts.

Wish mine was as easy as putting earplugs on, or just avoid and plan, or even shift perspectives and gears constantly to adapt and reason, or brute force it with intellect.

But what's the point of all that when my main problems isn't something one can outgrow nor outwork??

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Meltdowns come from a dysregulated nervous system in autistic individuals. While some have meltdowns due to sensory issues, some of us can experience dysregulation due to mental anguish.

For instance, in my case, because my needs have been overlooked by others my entire life, this has become a sensitivity, so when I am refused something and I am not given an opportunity to be heard and to explain why I need that thing I can get triggered to a meltdown. Autistic people can also suffer from rejection sensitive dysphoria, which would be mental anguish from feeling rejected by others. So being excluded from something or rebuffed can trigger a meltdown.

Effectively, meltdowns are similar to the tantrums of toddlers who have not yet learnt to regulate their emotional responses. With autism, we can't always maintain control when we get frustrated or overwhelmed.

NT adults can also throw tantrums when they don't get what they want, if they are people used to getting their own way, or are spoilt, as you say. The difference is that the adult having a tantrum is expecting that they will get what they want by engaging in that behaviour. It's manipulative. Meltdowns are different from adult tantrums because there is no expectation we will get what we want by behaving that way, we are just reacting from a need to recalibrate our nervous system.

So I think the answer is in whether your meltdown or tantrum enables you to get something you want? If being rejected triggers a meltdown, does that help you to be included and no longer rejected? If the answer is no, it is probably a meltdown.

Welcome to Wrong Planet KaitEli.

Temper tantrums are manipulative behaviors. Autistic meltdowns are the result of stress of living in a world not designed for autistics. Often meltdowns are caused by a buildup of stressors. It may be a minor thing that you do not recognize that puts you over the edge.

Meltdowns and tantrums can look similar, but for me a meltdown feels like my brain’s totally overloaded, lights too bright, sounds too loud, and I just can’t calm down. A tantrum feels more like I’m mad or upset because I didn’t get what I wanted. Doesn’t mean one is better than the other, just different reasons behind them.

Meltdowns for folks on the spectrum are psychological and physiological reactions to stressors/stimuli; you're not throwing tantrums. Understanding and parsing through what leads up to your meltdowns can help you avoid or least control when they occur more consistently. If your parents have "spoiled" you in some way, then not receiving whatever they give you might be a trigger for your meltdowns, or least precede them.

Neither. For some weird reason I've got too much self-control to succumb to either, yet strangely I've not noticed any ill effects from bottling it.

The nearest I've come to a tantrum or meltdown recently was when I was at a low ebb in hospital when I said that I couldn't win and that I saw no way out of whatever crisis I thought I was going through. But I barely raised my voice, though it was an immediate, heartfelt outburst, and it had a feel to it that was refreshingly human. In an odd kind of way it felt like I'd grown by admitting the degree of my despair. It was something to do with enhancing my closeness with others by sharing my vulnerability. I've long suspected that one of the ways I keep the world at arm's length is to be too self-contained and to appear never to need anybody.

I've sometimes wondered whether these meltdowns and tantrums that others with ASD have are a bit like bipolar disorder, where self-control is there most of the time and builds up pressure until some last straw or other collapses the mood and sends the individual the other way.

I've also wondered whether the reason it doesn't happen to me is because I have a strong sense of caring about myself that tends to say "look TD, stuff this for a game of soldiers, make your escape before you get too uncomfortable and make a spectacle of yourself or bust a blood vessel."

As a psychiatric patient- stress overload and being scared often result in a heated reaction/losing the plot . Much of that made worse by very inadequate help and support. A classic example= struggling to support my late wife who had vascular dementia, and being told to see a private therapist! Unfortunately mental health professionals are very often not good at distinguishing between a 'temper tantrum' and a stress induced reaction to pressures a person is struggling to cope with . In fact they can be absolutely awful in their inability to do so.