Made To Feel Different

Post Reply New Topic

Did your behaviour get scrutinised when you was a child and did this make you feel singled out

I ask this because I often wonder what it is that makes people feel "different"

It's just something that puzzles me from time to time that's all

Yes, and it usually comes with having a diagnosis when you're barely out the cradle.

I know many others on the spectrum faced such difficult times going through childhood undiagnosed and not quite knowing what's wrong with them, as a person affected only mildly I think I would have just got on with it like many undiagnosed people had to do. I might have fell behind on my work more, as I wouldn't have had the support I did have, but I probably would have just been classed as having learning difficulties and put on the special ed table - which I was anyway. That wasn't so bad, because there were other kids on the special ed table too, who had things like ADD or dyslexia. So I didn't feel so singled out.

But I know I was the only child in my class with a fancy label metaphorically tied around my neck, and because I was brought up in the country with a rather conservative attitude, having a label like autism or Asperger's was seen as shameful. My mother wasn't ashamed as such, as she told everyone she met about me and it got revealed to my class when I was 10, which made me because treated differently by my peers from then on. My father was more ashamed, but not of me, just the label. I liked his attitude really, because he just saw me as his perfect little daughter, not a problem child, so didn't feel the need to tell everyone he met about it.

I was scrutinised when I first started school because of the behaviours I was showing that was so out of character. We'd kept the reports and I felt annoyed when I found them a few years ago and read through them, because it noted down every move I made in every detail, as though every normal 4-year-old behaviour I displayed was put down as a "problem" that needed to be addressed and fixed, rather than just letting me be a kid and leaving me alone.

My start in life has really affected my self-image and I still have trouble accepting my diagnosis to this day. I feel angry about it all, knowing that if the social services didn't get so involved and put pressure on my parents to get me diagnosed with something, things would have been different. I probably wouldn't have got a diagnosis and could have just lived my childhood believing I was just another normal kid.

And in a way I was a normal kid. I mean yes I had behaviour problems and all that, but I still wasn't "peculiar". I could still enjoy the same things other children did and engaged in the same activities normal children did, and had friends, rode my bike, played with my toys, loved Christmas and birthdays, went on summer vacations with my family without any issues, etc. I seemed more in control of my emotions while on vacation with family, probably because there was a lot of stimulation and entertainment, which ADHD kids crave. The only time I remember whining on vacation was when I was bored, like if we were walking around towns or museums or churches, etc. Then I'd drag my feet, complain, and start acting up. But still not autisticly, more like a combination of normal child behaviour and ADHD.

I was born in 1954 so my "differences" (Asperger's Syndrome) were not eligible for a diagnosis. I was just different.

I was well-behaved and the first of four children, and the other three needed more parental attention than I did, so my parents didn't pressure me to change.

But in school other kids seemed to treat me differently and I had no idea why. As time went on "differently" progressed to bullying. But the standardized tests said I was well above average in intelligence. I finally concluded it was the intelligence that was causing other kids to treat me differently.

Oh, I was also very bad in anything athletic. That didn't help...and made me an easy target for the bullies.

Over the years, however: I went to college, served in the military (though I was almost not athletic enough), joined Mensa, married, and retired financially comfortably when I was 56. Then we learned I had a congenital heart valve problem that would've slowed me down (eventually it would've killed me except I had open-heart surgery), that I was on the Autism Spectrum, and that for reasons I do not know when I was five I was enrolled in school as if I was six.

It's been a heck of ride, much of it unpleasant...but it got me to a good place.

*My father had also undergone heart surgery.
*It was something that brought me out of my isolation (Hikikomori).
I chose three good places for him.
I accepted the first one that responded for him.
The next afternoon I went to get my hair cut.
I hadn't been there for a year.
Then I told him I'd accompany him: I took the plane.
He was amazed at me.
He survived.

§
I hope you're well and have a wonderful future.
§
Regarding the reply to the thread: A person feels different because they're not perceived like others.
For better or for worse.
§
I realized the exact moment of my difference when I was 4 years old.
The idea was to put me in a special school.
But it was far away, and that didn't happen.

It was very boring being in class doing things I was immediately good at.

And time never passed.
§
My classmates were excellent.
§
After the first five years of school: I was also bullied for three years.
§
As for the rest: they didn't care much about me.
My brother is 100% disabled, so the attention was rightfully directed at him.

The point is, they didn't understand anything about how I functioned socially.

Besides the good, there was also the bad.

That's why my parents were terrible.
§
I think I was created to make up for their shortcomings.
§
The worst burden was them, and what they had inherited from me before, during, and after.

I wasn't made to feel different by others.
I just noticed it.

Like what had I've been doing wrong?
It's not like I couldn't keep up with any other kids, so being singled out or felt wrong was not in the equation.

More like...
How exactly I noticed how I'm different wasn't because I was called out, but because I noticed the same crap from almost everyone that I don't.

By everyone, like the bullies felt more in common with my family than myself.
That invisible line people tug themselves and others, the way they talk, the way they look at things, etc. People do not feel like me.

That's when the idea of hating being a human started.

Turns out that particular take of a difference is more than just being autistic.
Because if it's all about being autistic, I'd just feel singled out in some way or form.

If it's just about autism, I'd question why I wasn't included or some social crap.
I'd question why I don't have friends or why I don't want one.

No, I see whatever others gone through, some even worse and constant.
I just don't see it as some form of "social status" or judgment. I didn't understand why they cared. Thus I didn't end up with the same insecurities growing up...

It wasn't like I had more restrictions. Only restrictions I got was finances and I wasn't the only one.

"I wasn't the only one" I kept reasoning.
So what made me any different from them?

Concepts I never had names for, concepts that people couldn't understand let alone explain it for me.

And the things that stood me out the wrong way isn't around "being autistic" and more like whatever preventable illness I had long before school days, and I was that kid who supposed to have 'less needs'. Said preventable illness that took 20+ years of my life to have control over.

Unlike the common route to unlearning shame, gaining safety, acceptance and positivity that only involves one's own differences or disability...
That's just the secondary thing, a side effect at most.

... Mine, whatever it was, is constantly affirmed by the facts of psychology and human nature.
The more nuance and complexity I gained through the years, the stronger it gets.

Gained Number Post Count (1).
Lose Time (n).

Lose more time here - Updates at least once a week.

^^
Your statement was clear: at least you were trying to find a logical connection, I guess.

I think in my case, this ability was initially appreciated.

Which, frankly, I wasn't very interested in.

But it was accepted: it was normal for them in the end.

Only the first time, I finished the class assignment first.

But I waited for the second grader, who never arrived, to hand it in after him or her.


My teacher asked me if I had any problems, I said no.

So why don't you hand in the assignment?

She took it; I remember she had a red pen in her hand.

Everyone looked at her.

But she didn't use it.


The result?

A complete shame.

Because I heard the others: how did she do it?

She gave me another, then the third.

§

I asked her out because I couldn't stand sitting in class very long.

(ADHD)
§
But there was no envy.
§
Afterwards, I think it was one of the possibilities.
Envy of what?
The second was my appearance, which wasn't exactly masculine.
The third was my attitude.

The result was a total detachment from that class of monsters.
I didn't even show up for exams.
A feeling of disgust towards half the class.
§
I spent a year reading every subject.
And dedicating myself to numbers, statistics, equations, continuing to practice overcoming my deficits because at Level 2, social interaction wasn't exactly easy.
§
In the end, life is only one.
§
In some things, it's still a hellish journey for me.
In others, it's not anymore.

At least: as long as I can resist in a world that is alien to me

I never felt more cleverer than my peers, if anything the other girls in my class were like geniuses compared to me. I felt like an underachiever and didn't know much.

Whenever my ASD was explained to me by my mother (although none of us knew about ASD as much as I do now) she always added "but you're very clever though". But I know that what she meant by that was "you are developing at a normal rate and coping in mainstream school very well and you have friends". And I was articulate, chatty, social, etc - which is why I still doubt my diagnosis today.

But I did write a thread here about my ASD kinda fluctuated during different times of my life, such as being the most autistic between the ages of 12-14 when I was at the peek of puberty. I just hope the menopause doesn't make me more autistic again...

Anyway, in conclusion, the diagnosis made me feel more different than the disorder itself. I didn't even think about it when I was playing with other children. Well, as in not in a "I need to keep masking way". It was more of a "I wonder if the adults are scrutinizing how I'm playing here, let's show off so that they'll know I'm not scared of my peers like autistic kids are supposed to be". Oh, I only thought that because I remember going to a friend of my mum's who had a son with severe autism, who was 7 but couldn't talk and just made loud noises, was still in diapers, and had violent meltdowns whenever other children came near him, and I was terrified of him. I remembered asking my mum if I was like that, being so we're on the same spectrum, but she said "most certainly not at all".

I just think having a diagnosis like that was too much for an 8-year-old to take in. I couldn't accept it. I hated being"the kid with the label". I hated being different. I just wanted to be an undiagnosed Aspie who slipped through the cracks all through school and was just seen as the quiet kid at the back of the classroom and needed a bit of extra help with their work, and that's it.

But no. I should sue the social services for ruining my life.

I think it's common for aspies to be "little professors" as children but not excel all that much in adulthood. But above average intelligence isn't part of the diagnosis. Many aren't especially bright and may think themselves unintelligent. It's quite possible they are more likely to be diagnosed. A person with a high IQ might do well enough in school and if they don't get into serious trouble then they'll avoid that sort of attention from faculty.

In my case though I was sent to the social worker. I believe it was once per week and I would just sit in her office and not talk.

I've always been particular about my use of language

It's probably quite subtle these days and wouldn't really be noticeable but when I was a child it was pointed out that I "have a way with words"
I think maybe it did make me feel a bit different and I hated the attention so it might have been a factor in my excruciatingly painful shyness

Me too, after I was 10: it became hell for me.

The others weren't like me, nor was I like the others.

It's just that I didn't care about this difference at all, while they did.

I spent three horrible years in middle school.

Except for the help and maybe the appearance, which helped me then, because it was my classmates who supported me.

The rest was disastrous.

§
High IQ is BS: high compared to what?

This question should always be asked of us because whatever it is, it's inadequate (always).

§

I was working on my deficits, if anything.

at 4 years old.

Anyone who isn't autistic but writes nonsense about levels they don't even know about is making a big mistake.

§

Many of those who write here (I won't specify this in this thread) are perhaps something else, or have something else, or their case is very mild.
§
Because being autistic isn't cool (I don't know how to translate it, I mean, it's not the ultimate).
It's not advantageous: only disadvantageous, if anything, and always disadvantageous. It's not that you're social, empathetic, and ++++
you're a disaster socially and you have to work on it forever.

Those who say different things: they don't have the same degree of autism as me.

Or that many others here have.

The rest is comorbidity: it's alongside autism.

Can anyone with different notions prove it?

Shall we publish the diagnoses if necessary?

(reference to other threads here)
This isn't directed at anyone who wrote here.

Because I can do it.

§
I'm writing this for others because otherwise the idea gets across that we are individuals more or less equal to others, and we're not even any less so.

*****Change the severity level *****

There are people above my level (3)

§
The others have a maximum of 1 and, in their own way, are adaptable to NT.

The situation is complex because some at level 1 have other comorbidities.

§

They make you feel different: yes.
But the point is that, in fact, you are different.

What do we do?


(This post won't be liked, I'll get a lot of blah blah blah against it.

In fact, it will only be BLA BLA BLA.

Illogical.)

I've always been 'different' it became increasingly noticeable as I went from toddler to child to teenager. The bullying I was subjected to at public school was much worse than that at prep school. Around the age of 10 my EF difficulties started to do a number on me,re academic performance.

My social difficulties are greater than many of those whose schizophrenia/schizoaffective is comparatively more severe than mine. Unlike many with just a SMI diagnosis I had no friends to lose due to developing SMI. I had what I thought was a friend at prep school, but decades later he blocked me on Twitter.

When in 8th grade, my homeroom teacher once showed me the files she had on all her pupils. She indicated the ones for the letter of the alphabet that my name starts with, and pointed out that I was the only one in her class whose name begins with that letter. It was about 1/3 to 1/2 the width of the file. Although it wouldn't have been had she not insisted on constantly disciplining me for not writing sufficiently long reports etc. I didn't try to molest the girls or provoke fights. I honestly can't remember what it was I did except for doing what she saw as insufficient schoolwork, although my grades, so far as I can recall, were decent insofar as I usually scored well on tests but that wasn't good enough.

EDIT also didn't commit acts of vandalism nor was I in any way involved with illegal drugs. What exactly can a 13-year-old do to get into trouble in school? I think the problem was that teacher like to see that her authority was unquestioningly respected and felt that I didn't respect her authority, and would only obey because I feared punishment. BTW the class I was in was supposed to be made up of the brightest kids in the school.