Autistic Imposter Syndrome

Post Reply New Topic

Imposter Syndrome After An Autism Diagnosis

<sup>My symptoms are clearly mild. Maybe I should've been diagnosed as BAP (Broader Autism Phenotype).

Maybe that isn't my MRI. Maybe the test results got mixed up in the hospital.</sup>

When I was about 16 - 23 years old, I rather considered my symptoms mild (I received official Asperger syndrome diagnosis near my 17th birthday). I did not worked then but I went to schools, when I had classes on the studies I did not have ruling of disability or social pension but it changed in the second half of 2015 when my situation changed after 18 years of going to different schools - I had school routine since September 1997 to June 2015 because I was a student. I could do very well in schools many times but I had no clue about occupational life and rather still do not have. I am nearly 34 years old and I have never had a close friend and, what can be really painful for me mentally, I have never had a romantic partner. In January and April 2015 I was diagnosed with schizotypal disorder in addition to AS first times. When I applied for ruling of disability and social pension first time when I was above 23,5 years old I had diagnoses of AS, OCD and schizotypal disorder together and I received what was enough for me without problems all the times. I had seven therapies in day hospitals in my life, each lasting about twelve weeks or 60 working days, first was from April to June 2016 and I could have them precisely because I live in pretty comfortable place (despite the fact that it is a village without an elementary school and without a church in itself) which has good bus public transport to nearby large urban agglomeration (seat of a county and much larger seat of a voivodeship). DIVA-5 test from second half of 2024 suggested that I have combined-type ADHD, but it can be hard to make psychiatrical diagnosis of ADHD for free for an adult, especially if you do not want to be in all-day hospital. My symptoms are clearly not mild because I have social pension since almost ten years. Occupational life is profoundly different from academical life. When I was going to the studies (higher education) in 2010 - 2015, I arrived to the university every day and I spent every night in my home thanks to good public transport (buses).

The "Triad" of my imposter syndrome:

1) Eye contact is relatively easy
2) Very LOW masking
3) No meltdowns, not even in childhood, except once during a fireworks show (and even then, not sure if it was a meltdown or just a five-year-old "afraid" of the loud explosions)

Eye contact: The more I researched, the more I learned that there's a statistically signifcant percentage of autistics who have pretty decent eye contact--naturally, without having had to learn it. I also learned that issues with eye contact run the gamut. I DO have issues with it, I have come to learn, but they are mild. I once thought, "Could I be autistic? After all, eye contact isn't painful or feels like my soul is being dissected."

Low Masking. Seems like every late diagnosed woman (I'm female) has always been a high masker, including since childhood, even preschool. WTF. If everyone thinks you're weird, how could you be a high masker? But so many late diagnosed autistics report that all their life including childhood, they were seen as strange or odd. Therefore, they were LOW maskers. Therefore, I shouldn't use my own low masking as fuel for imposter syndrome.

Meltdowns. Now here we have an unsolved problem. I'm always asking autistic people if they ever have meltdowns so I can see if I'm NOT the only one who never does. I get cheat answers such as, "I used to when I was a child," or, "No, because I can recognize when one is about to happen, so I quickly remove myself from the triggers," or "No, because I avoid environments that trigger them."

I've met like two or three autistics in person who never had meltdowns, not even in childhood. THREE. And it's a running theme online with all the autistics who post anywhere, as though it just automatically comes with ASD.

But it's not a diagnostic criterion: I remind myself of this. But then I overthink and say, "So WHAT if it's not a diagnostic criterion. That means nothing. Excessive thirst isn't a diagnostic criterion for diabetes, but every untreated diabetic has had excessive thirst."

I had a strict upbringing. Maybe during my formative years, that strictness kept my brain wired just so, such that meltdowns never occurred.

I think there's a strong correlation between childhood autistic meltdowns and parental leniency. Hell would boil over if any of my parents' six kids had a meltdown. They kept us in line. We can't assume that the autistic brain can't be molded by parental influence. After all, autistic kids are just as HUMAN as neurotypicals.

So where am I at now? I've overcome my imposter syndrome. I'm just in that tiny percentage who's never had a meltdown. I'm not even sure if Donald Triplett, the very first person ever diagnosed with autism, ever had a meltdown.

It waxes and wanes.

Sometimes I have weaker doubts about accuracy of my PDD diagnosis, sometimes I have large doubts about accuracy of my PDD diagnosis.

In December 2008 I got psychotropic drug for "thinking about NLD" about two months after my official AS diagnosis. Maybe I received risperidone prescription because of myślenie o NLD (Polish for "thinking about NLD"). Risperidone is an antipsychotic drug. I was 17 years old when I got risperidone first time. I was pretty sleepy after possibly just single small dose of risperidone.

I am "afraid" that my early-onset experience is not pervasive developmental disorder and autism, but something less serious and less atypical, like learning disorder, personality disorder or emotional disorder. It can be source of large "worry" to me "I was bullied in schools due to mere learning, personality and emotional issues, not due to something more impairing and more atypical"?

Sensory symptoms. I come across so many autistic people with intense sensory symptoms. Mine are mild. Like the taste of bananas, but not the mouthfeel. A football shirt I hated wearing at prep school, because it made me feel very itchy. Wool next to my skin. Bright light.

[b]I think that I have never had intense sensory symptoms and that my sensory symptoms are mild instead of intense too.[\b] I think that I have never had sensory overloads, for example due to sounds or lights. School bells and vacuum cleaners did not bothered me at all in my life, if I remember it well. My sensory problems appear to be associated with intolerance od unpleasant sensory stimuli and avoidance of such a stimuli. I think that I process sensory information like typical people and just do not tolerate what is unpleasant because unpleasant sensory experiences feel bad and are "overwhelming" in their normal intensity for me. Despite it I was diagnosed with Asperger syndrome before reaching adulthood and I have ruling of disability not only due to mental illness, but also due to pervasive developmental disorder.

I think that NLD which overlaps quite a lot with autism is a kind of autism with NLD neuropsychological profile (maybe not necessarily meeting proposed criteria for developmental visual-spatial disorder), not non-autistic condition, but a full-fledged sort of autism.

"Social inadequacy" and "behavioral quirkiness" are core features of autism, autism is general social-behavioral atypicality which has not to be accompanied or caused by severe sensory processing disorder or inability to identificate humans.

I think that autism with NLD neuropsychological profile has poor to no visual (or even otherwise non-verbal) thinking, relatively mild sensory issues and usually non-delayed speech development. It may have mild RRBIs which may look subclinical, but the general socio-behavioral pattern is more important than specific symptoms. "Nonnormieness" and functional impairment should mean more than ADOS or RAADS results.

I suppose that "immature personality disorder" diagnosis might be often given to undiagnosed autistics.

I have "obsession" about possibility of having just NLD and not having ASD. I received a lot of support thanks to pervasive developmental disorder. I was diagnosed with a pervasive developmental disorder, not with a specific developmental disorder.

I think that it is not true that children with ASD have to lack theory of mind. I knew that other do not have the same interests as me when I was a preschooler. I understood that not do much preschool children have an interest in astronomy. I had some interest in mathemathics when I was a preschooler. Early interests in astronomy and mathemathics is reminiscent of the description of first case of "autistic psychopathy" described by Hans Asperger, the case of a boy with pseudonym Fritz V. In addition, in Wechsler IQ test in 2016 my highest results in verbal part was in Arithmetic and, in performance part, my highest results was in Block Design.

I do not see large differences between many descriptions of NLD and description of childhood ASD without intellectual development disorder (especially with higher intelligence) and no or mild impairment of functional language. I think that socially awkward NLD people should be named as autistic.

I think that there may be a continuum between "puree NLD" which do not cause social problems and ASD without NLD character and many people are in the area between the two extremes on this continuum.

I think that people with NLD who are "weird" should be diagnosed as autistic. I think that in puree NLD there should be dyscalculia and dysgraphia which would be obvious in elementary school, but when the NLD is non-autistic, a child would have no social atypicality. I read about people with PDD diagnosis who were prime students with excellent average grades (at least 5,38 in Poland where 1 is the lowest (unsatisfactory) and 6 is the highest (better than very good)), so they definitely do not appear to have dyscalculia and dysgraphia... NLD people would also be very poor in reading maps and charts, which would be problematic in geography, history, maths...

Welp.
I don't deal with imposter syndrome myself.

Even with all the disregard with the idea around eye contact, low (also not masking) masking but passing, verbose enough, "functioning enough", executive function enough to go to, yadda yadda.

I do not doubt I'm autistic.
Never doubted I'm neurodivergent.

Even with the lack of "relatability" in either sides of the spectrum; high IQ, low IQ, fitting in, not fitting in, anxiety and depression, loneliness, intolerance to uncertainty, diagnosed too soon, too late, alexithymia, HSP, etc.

And even if I did went through the relatable bits -- I outgrow them.
Not "cured" nor "desensitized", but do actually figured without needing to alter my environment, my sensory and cognitive profile.

Definitely do not relate with the dysfunctionalities either. Most of my problems are outside being autistic, and barely a consequence of growing up being an autistic.

Couldn't even relate with the common "I feel like an awkward freak" or "this label is looming over me" feeling.


Nope.
Most people do not care "what I'm".
And I do not care either.

Otherwise, their cultural values and prioritizations indicates if they would be compelled to police that.



Closest thing I'd truly struggle as an autistic is around with words and wording, that no amount of 'confidence' or lack of awkwardness will solve it.

Really, that's my biggest problem as an autistic right now.
My biggest problems around being autistic before that happened to be solvable.

No masking required. Well, masking would be easier if I chose to, prone less to burnouts and essentially no longer spiraling.



Really, I do think it's because why I do not have imposter syndrome around being autistic is that my main thing around being autistic is not centered nor defined around socialization and the woes around it.

It doesn't help that the whole premise breeds comparison and conformity around narratives over what being autistic means or should -- that I had outgrown by the time before I became an adult.

Because to me, socialization issues, like mental health problems that caused by it, are but a consequent of a neurodivergent processor at best, not a necesarily a primary thing as is with neurodivergency itself.

Gained Number Post Count (1).
Lose Time (n).

Lose more time here - Updates at least once a week.

In my case the question of being autistic or not is associated with substantial support and quality of life - if you are genuinely and not too mildly autistic, your rights to support which can make life much better are significantly better grounded that in the case of being non-autistic - for example, learning disabled (having specific learning disorder), emotionally disturbed, personality disordered or even schizophrenic (schizophrenia usually does not start in childhood and is associated with large doses of potentially dangerous medication). I have ruling of moderate level of disability due to pervasive developmental disorder and this disability started before reaching adulthood. I have also disability pension (I have diagnoses such as schizotypal disorder and OCD as co-morbids to PDD). This support makes my life much easier and helps me and my family.

I put on a coat before going outside in the winter.
I show facial expressions.
I can speak in complete sentences.
I eat other things besides chicken nuggets and tater tots.
I was potty trained at around 2 or 3 years old.
I don't flap my hands, although I fidget a lot.
I'm an adult woman.
I didn't learn to tie my shoes until I was 9 or 10, but I *did* learn to tie them. Maybe I'm not really autistic.

In the beginning and after the 'official non-official diagnosis' ("vermoeden van"/trans "suspicion of" but sounds more like a crime) I had this a lot, mostly because I only knew the holywood stereotypes. At school we had even learned 'autist' as an example for eufemism (even a eufemism for... Down Syndrom...)
While figuring out I did learn a lot of autism things that I am/do not but also 'weird' things we do I never even thought were different from other people. Some of the what I now know are weird auti things got beaten/bullied out and I do walk in line mostly... I was just weird but nobody figured out what was wrong (apparently also quite common).

Sometimes I do still doubt but have to remember nobody knows what autism really is...

Still can't tie my shoes properly (sort of a trademark).