I'm 62 and was diagnosed 13 years ago. At the time, people didn't discuss masking a lot. So, I am now just understanding what it is.
What I believe people are saying masking requires:
- Suppressing my natural responses and needs
- Trying to construct and maintain a more socially acceptable version of myself
- Monitoring how what I’m saying or doing is being received
- Adjusting in real-time based on social feedback
- Doing all of this while also just ... existing
That's a lot of parallel processing.
Why masking is difficult for me:
The psychologist who diagnosed me identified issues with complex memory and executive function challenges in unstructured situations. In other words, my real-time processor is too slow.
In social situations -- networking events, parties, unstructured gatherings -- I can barely keep up with what's happening. I'm trying to:
- Follow what people are saying
- Figure out what to say next
- Determine when to interject
- Monitor whether I'm being appropriate
That's almost all of my processing capacity. There's not a lot left over to do more.
I can use scripts I learned young -- please, thank you, nodding, "oh interesting," asking follow-up questions to keep them talking. That's just pre-compiled responses to reduce processing load.
Whether that counts as 'masking' or just basic social adaptation, I'm not sure. But I can't do much more. My brain simply doesn't work that fast.
What I did instead:
When I was young, I tried to imitate my older brother. It didn’t work, and I couldn’t sustain it.
Over time, withdrawal became the only strategy that didn’t completely overwhelm me.
Different wiring, different adaptation:
- Some people can sustain heavy masking but pay in burnout
- I couldn't sustain that, so I withdrew instead - different cost (isolation), but sustainable
A thought for those who are burning out from masking:
Looking back, I can see that if something burns me out in minutes or hours, it probably isn’t a sustainable strategy for my wiring.
I believe you can have a meaningful life without forcing yourself into that level of discomfort. For me, it required finding a different path:
- Highly structured environments (e.g. where roles are clear/defined)
- Domains where I could go deep and become an expert
- Scripts for minimum viable social exchanges
- Acceptance that I won't be interesting to most people—and that's okay
It's not the life most people would choose. But it's sustainable. And, for me, sustainable beats being burned out.
