This is stimming? Guess so!

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(Me again. Thank you for your support. Diagnosed a few years ago but am just finally accepting it & it's all happening so fast!)

So I thought stimming was hand flapping or rocking. Well, whew, that's not me!

Lol

I read something about stimming and I saw myself all over it. At first I was quite upset.

When I go into a hardware store, I am overcome with a sense of euphoria; I seek out all kinds of bolts, nuts, washers, pipes, sheet metal, light bulbs...I cannot describe the intense joy when I am in the electrical dept. surrounded by all the lights (although I'm sure you relate). I hold things up to my eyes or tap them right by my ears to feel the pitches and frequencies. "I'm just a musician! That's normal, right?" I'm an almost-60 year old woman & I've done this my whole life, not really knowing why, and I've felt secret shame about it.

I love standing in the TV section of a store when they are all on display with their bright colors (no sound, though ).

I am not religious, but I love Czech glass beads, and they are always so pretty on rosary beads. No one knows this, but I have a small collection (3 or 4) of rosary beads, which I don't use for prayer or anything like that. When no one is around, I used to hold them up to the sun a couple inches from my eyes. The colors dancing around sent me into a state of euphoric bliss. And then when it was time to get on with life, I'd conclude by putting them in my hand, holding it up to my ear, and gently scrunching the beads around to hear that sound. The grand finale--when I heard that sound, my brain would start playing music. It's not anyone else's music. It was involuntary, like a pretty chord, an arpeggio, or a rhythm. And I'd sway to the "music."

I just thought I was a weird artist (I am lol). But I had NO idea that this is a form of stimming!

I didn't want anyone to ever see it or notice it.

So as I'm trying to accept my diagnosis and come out of long denial, I read about stimming this week...thinking that it was an autism topic in general, so I should learn about it. Not because I thought I did it. I was sure I didn't.

When I found out that the rosary bead thing, the hardware store thing, and countless other things I do are stimming (like I LOVE staring into a pot of gently boiling water!! !) and that doing these things is actually good for an autistic person (when they don't cause problems etc etc), I got out my rosary beads, which I'd hidden.

I am single and have been for years (my choice). I never did this in front of previous partners. The only reason I stopped doing that was that I thought I was crazy...not just a weird artist. I freaked myself out.

I did it again this week. It was amazing! The colors, the euphoria, the music in my head...and I learned that the "swaying" I'd been doing to the music that I was hearing in my head was...rocking. One foot in front, one behind, back and forth. Duh. I had no idea.

My anxiety in general is greatly improved now that I understand stimming can be good and taking off the mask at home is also good! I've tried to make myself mask even in my own home alone. I just thought I was "supposed to" behave more like other people, so I've just always practiced.

But holy sh*t am I tired. A life of that with stim suppression (or trying to hide it/sneak it in) has taken a toll.

Baby steps, but I'm getting there. I'm overwhelmed and go back & forth between feeling like a load has been lifted and a load has been added with the "holy s**t, I really am autistic" and what that all means. It's a lot. I'm sure most of you relate!

Though I'm not a hand flapper or much of a rocker (aside from sometimes swaying against a wall a bit to feel the jolt), I am rather stimmy and never really mask it. I've not felt any pressure to stop and I don't recall ever being actively discouraged either come to think of it. Or if I was, the suggestion fell on deaf ears and I since forgot.
When I was young I thought "stimming" meant doing very exaggerated, special needs looking movements like flailing around and rocking and going hurrr. So I must be immune. But I misunderstood what it actually meant, literally everybody on earth stims. That's what bouncing one's leg and nail biting is, or even sniffing a flower. But autistic people do it more often I think? Or more readily?

It made me realise I have a whole list and I probably have about 2 or 3 on the go at any given time if the ocassion calls for it. But I guess I never thought of it as stimming™ because it's one of the few harmless things I do that hasn't been pathologised by atleast someone. Idk if it counts but I used to doodle all the time in lessons at school and the English teacher gave me paper for it because she was sick of my exercise books looking a mess. I'm a fidgety person, big whoop. Deal with it.

The full list escapes me, but I know chewing is a big one. I have gum in my mouth most of the time, I almost feel lost without it, it's also subtle enough to feel no shame about. I spin hoop shaped objects around my finger when I'm engaged in an especially interesting conversation and saying my piece. Sometimes just for fun, but usually when I'm focused. I like spinning things in general I find it visually humorous. I quite like things that hurt slightly, sharp (but safe) or knobbly surfaces pressed against my skin or under my nails feels nice. So I pain stim a lot but it's all kind of subtle I think and nothing that normies won't be familiar with. I just really like to feel things and be entertained by it I guess. And it does often feel like a counterbalance against whatever is happening to me.