Stupid Mistakes

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me and my gf had a big argument again. We have them often. She says that choosing not to pay attention and autism are diferent things. I dont blame her i forget routine things even. "we never do anything different because you dont like change but you forget that we always go to xyz on friday" the car we are using has electrical trouble and i still forget things like Like leaving the windows rolled down down because the motors are bad. We play an rpg and everytime we log in i ask her what server, when we always play in the same server and that makes her mad. When we argue I feel like i am gonna loose my bowels and go to the bathroom, she gets upset because i can hold it all day if i want to, even if it hurts, but not when we argue, i cant. She feels I am avoiding the subject. "you can talk to me about dnd or queen elizabeth but not remember where you put your appoitment pappers" she says I dont think and that i will be and do better once i choose to think about stuff. I am too stressful for her, especially lately. When she met me I had two jobs and went to school and now I can barely remember to brush my hair and where I put the mail. doing two things at a time is even harder now. Ive always had probs like this. they have just gotten slowly worse and she says you forget how im there with you good days and bad days i KNOW you can fuction.

And I try and it doesnt seem enough. It seems like I am always doing something wrong like forgetting to put the milk in the fridge where i saved the papers, where i stashed my change to chage shorts. it took me a long time to put this post together. I dont know what to do.

I dont have alot of topics of conversation, I loose my attention too often, i cant always hear what she says, my sensory overload is getting worse when i go to the psych i can barely get a word out because i cant force myself to talk and its getting hard.

I understand what you are writing..Me and my husband has the same problems. He also says that he know I can function better than this but I cannot.. My guess is that you come to a point where your system is so overloaded that you just can't try to be something you are not. I took up this topic with my occupational theraphist and she said that these things has never worked for me, I have done them anyway but now my body and mind is to tired to pretend..

I hardly get anything done at all. Most of the time I spend in front of the computer I wish to get more things done but I cannot find the energy to do so.

My husband get irritated because of all this... One of the worse things for him is that I get absorbed in my own world when watching something really interesting on TV, internet or just lost in my own thoughts. Then I do not hear or see anything of what is going on around me. This has lead to that the house do at times looks even more messy than it should have been if I just was there in my mind.. The youngest dog has a passion for tearing paper and plastic materials apart and of course he does this when he sees that I do not see or hear him..

It hurts so much and sometimes I have think that I was probably doing better on my own.. I have asked the occupational theraphist about the fact that my husband say those things to me and she says that I should tell him that he cannot worry me with things because I already have to much going on in my head.. But that is hard when you are in a relationship.. I end up feeling sad and my husband end up angry since he do not think that I do my best

/Anna

Yeah, sounds like what I just went through with my husband. The thing that seemed to bring it on and then make it worse was a job he hated with a boss he could not stand. I know it effected me in a negative way. Then he was unemployed for a few months. Then he went and took this job that wasn't even enough money to live on. He actually had that job offer, and another one where he made less than what he made before. I told him that maybe pure electrical engineering was a bad career. He though that it would be just like what he learned it school. But it wasn't. Instead it was just the same kind of people he never liked.

The situation seems to be improving now however, I seem to be able to do more than I used to, like make the meals and do the laundry. What finally helped is he learned programming and worked on my free-software project. He did not want to learn programming, but I made him learn it. I told him how important of a skill it was to learn, and then he spent all day reading and writing code. I guess because he did not get any kind of satisfaction out of work, he was able to to devote time to learning stuff. I told him to learn about version control systems, and thats how he was able to get his current job. He did not want to learn about cvs version control, but I told him that he needed to learn it for the project.

Thats wierd about the dog shredding things. My cat likes to shred paper too. She starts to do it when he comes home I noticed.

I think there is a big difference between selective hearing, which happens to everyone, and sensory overload. I want to do the right thing, but sometimes I screw up.

BTW, my cat, Prince, shreds paper too. My first cat, Samantha, did it as well. Must be a Siamese trait.

We are having money trouble too and that sucks because i have a selective diet. And lately i have just eaten what we can afford and i havent been eating well and she will insist i do, and I will get sick to my stomach grit my teeth and do it anyway. Somedays its good but at the end of the day at one point or another she has had to yell at me for something, and we go back to 0. I am scared. I keep dreaming of being alone in the mall crying or the gass station.

I guess if something is as achievable to you, but can be dropped if one is feeling lazy, it's difficult to comprehend that this is not necessarily the case for everyone else. I eventually bought into the 'you could if you tried' business; as everyone pointed out, if I could do the things I can do, no excuse for not doing these 'easy' things anyone can do.

However, I do not constantly spill sugar, or coffee or milk or burn myself trying to pour out the boiling water, or painfully gnash the top of my hand into the corner of the cabinet as I walk past (for instance) because I cannot be bothered to not make a mess that I hate having to clean up (sugar spill - ahh), or not hurt myself. I'm a complete wuss when it comes to pain, so if I could avoid these things just by 'trying to concentrate', I'd do it. It really is a matter beyond our control. If my partner talks to me when I'm in either phase one or two of making a coffee (1 = cups, ingredients, kettle, 2 = water pour and milk), I freeze up, unable to carry on the task, but not able to shift my attention in order to comprehend what he says. I can category state that there is just no way I can shift my attention to him, nor can I carry on the task at hand until he stops trying to talk to me. This is not a matter of effort, even the laziest person would not feel taxed by hearing someone talk while putting a spoon of sugar in a cup. This is just one example of the ways in which my ability to focus and direct attention is limited and there is nothing mere 'effort', 'trying', or 'reconsidering my attitude' can do about it. It's a matter of function, and if others cannot understand, just turn it back and tell them you know they could be less emotional and irrational about this if only they tried, you've seen reason before, so you know they could function better if they wanted.

Example i can red a book in one sittin without pause, but i cant pay attention to instruction. she saays that all these things that I do are not autistic symptoms. The lack of attention the forgetting routine things, or making things "harder than they are" that its just plain stubborness. Once when she got really mad she told me she feels like a lier when she goes and talks to my doctors. that she feels bad abut talking to them about my situation when she knows i can do better and she has seen it. I wont deny it i had two jobs at one point. I worked as a waistress for a bit, child care before that then two childcare jobs at the same time ages from infant to 3 years old. The work did start taking its toll i wont deny it i became a bit more spastic.

then out on vacation we where laid off from work, got stuck where we went to vacation and i had a nerveous breakdown i think thats what it was that happened and then we got in a car crash just so damn much you know, i used to handle college (then i dropped out) jobs, responsability, laundry and budget and pets, and now i can barely keep up with what day of the week it is.