Insensitive aspies and autists

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I can relate to this is a big way, I have had hundreds of incidents in my life.

One instance that comes to mind when I was about 13. I saw a very overweight 16 year old girl in our local milk bar and as I was licking an icecream I said "Gee you must be really heavy, if you stood on our scales at home you would break them. How much do you weigh?" She responded agressively and knocked the icecream out of my hand. I ran home screaming and imforming my mother of what the mean girl had done to me. I could not really see anything wrong about what I said to the girl because I told my mother our scales only go up to 20 stone.

Another instance happened to me when I was about the same age when me and my Dad went to watch the football but I could not take my attention away from a mother and her Downs Syndrome son sitting on a step of the grand stand aisle. I asked her "why is he sticking his tongue out?"
"why has he got such a funny face"? "do the kids at school tease him?". My Dad who was a Real Estate Agent and Auctioneer and had a loud booming voice and called out "Paul! Paul! Paul! come here!" I ran up to him and he said "Now why are asking those stupid rude questions, Paul?" I pointed straight back at the Down's Syndrome boy and got myself into more trouble by saying "he has a funny face". My dad gave me a real long lecture about rude questions and said "You know that lady that you were asking those silly questions about her poor boy, I am trying to sell her a house"

Another time I was staring at a man with one leg and the man said to me "hello what do you want?" I replyed with the plain obvious "Do you know you have only one leg"?


Paul

Last edited by paulsinnerchild on 29 Oct 2007, 11:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Yeah, I used to do s**t like that all the time. It pissed me off that I was always bring punished and I didn't know what I did wrong.
So I just stopped talking to people and thats pretty much how I solved it.

I think I can be very empathetic when I have experienced something myself and know it to be painful but this breaksdown when I have experienced something that I wouldnt find hurtful but the other person finds hurtful.I'm not psychic.What else do I have to go by but my own experience of pain?

So when I offer people information of a better way to do something or give them information I think they would find helpful,I assume they will appriciate it and get confused when they act insulted or get mad at me.(Been called a know it all a million times)
This seems to be the main thing that gets me in trouble at work and even knowing about it doesn't seem to help me stop doing it.(I'm just a very helpful person,lol)

I dont recall saying "hurtful things" when I was a kid but I was always getting in trouble for stuff I didnt understand,so maybe I did but just didnt know what the punishment was for...I assumed it was random and just because I was a bad person(or my parents were insane and sadistic...I never could decide which of these was most true).

I criticize people for doing things wrong or doing something in the wrong order. Its a bad habit but i'm trying to break myself of it.

I'm not sure if thats what you mean by the question though.

NO, that is different. Paul was talking about asking innocent questions that embarass or insult the person spoken to.

And YEAH, I DO remember doing this. HECK, I kind of HATE it when people hide things from you because you may endure some temporary pain. HELL, my best friend EVER died, and there was a conspiracy to lie to me about it! SUPPOSEDLY that was to protect me even though ***I*** suggested that he died. That didn't help me one bit.

I have a bit more discretion than that, but I credit my highly dramatic, overly sensitive family for my heightened awareness of other people's (rational or not) feelings.

Apparently I used to humiliate my mother about her cigarette breath. She reminds me of an incident in a large store one time where I was stimming, she leaned over to tell me to stop, and I replied - loudly - with, "MOM, YOUR BREATH REALLY STINKS!! !! PLEASE DON'T TALK SO CLOSE TO MY FACE!" In stores, I was easily and almost immediately overstimulated as a child. Still am, to a degree. I had a tendency to get loud. I wasn't being mean, I was just being honest. There was no ill-intent. She screamed at me the whole way home though. I learned not to make vocal observations about people. Period.

I also remember when my mother refused to tuck me in at night ever again because I remarked on her cigarette breath on a few occasions. I'm a major sensory type of gal. I'm quite sensitive to smells and sounds. Not my fault. Parents shouldn't smoke around kids anyhow.

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I felt this bore repeating!! !! !! It is ironic. If my parents get cancer, they can sue the cigarette companies. THEY voluntered, and only might get cancer in their late 70s or more. I was subjected to it all my life, and already have scars from it, but I probably couldn't sue.

im only insensitive on the internet, i think

This is me. I often say things I think relate to others or think I'm being helpful and instead end up upsetting other people.. then I feel terrible about it because it's usually taken in a way I didn't mean at all.. and yes it is very confusing..

also do the opposite.. people say things intentionally to hurt, and I totally don't get it and respond as though we're having a meaningful back and forth conversation... though usually i realize later and am quite embarrassed.. and anyone listening thinks I'm a dense airhead..

once when young I asked my dad rather loudly "what's all over his face?" about a teenager sitting chair near us (he had acne..). I did this kind of stuff alot as a kid.

I don't do this quite like that now as an adult but still tend to at times say direct things and ask very blunt questions that I don't realize will hurt feelings..
things that probably wouldn't bother me if people asked me about..

I also like to debate topics and issues, which seems to upset alot of people who seem to just want you to agree.. or at least be quiet and keep your mouth shut out of politeness, I guess..

I am sure this is quite common in my world. I always say as I please and only truly ever realize how it has impacted others when I recieve the (often) negative response. I too have the ability to relate to others through my own experiences, which has proved useful over the years, but have otherwise found the ability to manipulate my sarcasm to guise my ... "ways".

In fact, I respond to my immediate surroundings and base my thoughts, opinions, etc on my life experiences, as oppose to any known facts. I know I see and experience the world so much differently than those around me and at times I am considered very shallow/naive/self centered in my thinking, but this is how relate to the world around me.

I have said some fairly incredible things in my days and often give the opinion/advice that is not wanted (or people are not ready to hear), will say or do things that hurt others feelings (but only ever really know afterwards) and annoy the hell out of people with brutally honest thoughts or overly personal questions.

Me: "Brenda (coworker), where did you go for lunch todayy?" (drawing the sentence out in a fairly obvious, in your face kind of way because of the obvious make-up and fancy dress which is fairly uncommon in our casual workplace)

Brenda: "uhm...just to the corner" (stammering and uncomfortable)

Me: "oh...with who?" (knowing full well it was with a man)

Brenda: "uhm...ahh..just a friend. A guy I uhm...went to school with and uhm...we connected on facebook. No big deal" (knowing full well she has a guy at home and feeling fairly awkward in front of other colleague)

Me: "oh, yeah, I knew there was a good reason you would be dressed like that for work. It is obvious you were with a man and I knew it wasn't yours" (as Brenda quickly scurries in the opposite direction~ gasp!! I am so brutal, aren't I???! !!)

Brenda: "well, *laughs nervously*, I couldn't go for lunch without at least leaving a lasting impression, afterall it HAS been 20 years"

Now the other colleagues mouth has dropped open, is bordering on a fit of laughter, in shock that I would ever even "go there", but even more impressed with my ability to maintain a straight face while doing it, holds back as I respond...and Brenda has disappeared into thin air.

Me: "I know, I know, not ok right? Forunately for me, Brenda is used to me, we were neighbours. Amazing I get away with such madness"

Everyone walks away shaking their heads....Yep I am with you.

My son asks a lot of questions that are somewhat rude. I only know this due to others reactions, lol. If it wasn't for being able to pick up on this from time to time, I would have absolutely no clue.

I ask people things sometimes, but I will say "I don't mean to offend, so if you don't want to answer this question, you don't have to, but (insert question here)" because people are just too unpredictable. Some people welcome questions, some despise it, especially if it points out their differences in any way. I've also started asking in more generalized ways, roundabout, so it is not quite as direct and it seems to make it a lot less personal/offensive. (i.e. "Hey... did you ever notice how some people will just -insert action- from time to time? I wonder why that is..."

I love it when people ask me questions about why I'm doing something, or why I'm having trouble comprehending something, why I think the way I do, etc. or when they discuss it. I think the problem comes when people are offended so incredibly easily, and when others are trying all of the time to not invade that comfort zone. When things are avoided constantly, and people are socially not allowed to ask certain questions or talk about things, then everybody gets false ideas eventually about whatever it is (if someone is blind, chunky, deaf, depressed, older people, etc.). People rely on their own conclusions rather than just flat out asking people sometimes, and it makes questioning anything "wrong" because people are constantly trying to be too careful. If people would just allow children to ask things, or if they would be more open to answering questions (especially from kids), then it probably wouldn't be such a bad thing... too bad everybody is too busy hiding everything to see it.

Though, some fun can come from it from time to time... for instance, people are discussing something with me and they say something like "well... I don't expect you to understand because you're... different...." lol-that makes me giggle every time. If anyone ever does that to ya, see how long it takes them to say "autistic" while looking your way! It's like pulling teeth (from what I gather ). By the time they say it, they will appear insulted or something, when YOU are the one WANTING to hear it from them. It's amazing how long it will take someone to flat out say it, and it's even more amazing their reaction when you bring it up directly.

My daughter and I were in a ladies restroom over the weekend and she was annoyed and fairly loud about the fact that such a large/rich mall would dare ask us to pay for "napkins" and would not let up until I explained, in detail, no matter how many faces I tried to keep her from continuing!

Oh geez, lol. I can relate to that one-do you ever have a hard time figuring out what the heck "the look" is??? I have people all of the time try to give me tips on how to make an angry face, so that my kids will know when I mean business, but I crack up almost every time I really try, and look too melancholy when I'm angry or frustrated and I'm not trying o.O

My son asked one of our friends who is slightly overweight why she was so chunky. I instantly just slapped my forehead, and let it go, to see if she would respond. She explained why it was rude to ask such a question, but she talked a little with him. He said "I didn't mean to be rude... why is it rude if it is true?" He was boggled, lol, but took her word for it. Then, he noticed that she had gray hair showing through her black hair, and announced it and asked if that means she is going to die soon... okay, rude-I suppose, but I see it as an innocent question based on observation that she could either choose to answer or not to. I'm often the victim of laughing hysterically when these random questions pop up, because I find the wording humorous and could see myself saying the same things when I was younger. Luckily, she is a very long-time family friend, so she laughs it off after she explains some of these things, and sometimes laughs when he asks things. She always tries to explain why it is rude not to ask such things, but always laughs about it later when he is not present.

Although I do not recall ever saying anything hurtful to a stranger as a child I do remember some embarrassing things I said. Most particularly when I was describing my dads work.

Back when I was 9 years old, my mother was talking to a female vacuum cleaner sales clerk, and when my Mum was asked what her husband did for a living I immediately butted in and said (with loud pride) “My Dad burns people when their dead!”
Got a slap round the back of the head for that.

You see my Dad used to work for Furnace Construction in Manchester England, whose specialty was microprocessor controlled cremators.
Anyway, when my family moved to Australia, my Dad got a job at Karrakatta Cemetery mostly for the maintenance of the cremators.
Well when the machines were working, his job was to help the guys put the coffins in, and this was the most common task I ever saw my Dad doing (a credit to his ability to keep the machines running I suppose).
So in the spirit of taking things at face value, I thought this was my Dads main job.

I think all children, NT and AS alike, are required by law to ask embarrassing questions.