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jazzguy
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02 Nov 2007, 2:11 am

Even when I was little kid. Crazy. Couldn't get with the picture, was always somewhere else. School? You've got to be kidding. Daddy drank, Mommy took pills. Typical American family, except that I was crazy. Getting into playing a musical instrument was a huge relief, and I quit school as soon as I was old enough. Moved to the big city and started being a professional musican. But I was still crazy.
Problems, problems. What the hell are all these people talking about? Can't they see that it's so obvious? No they can't.
Drugs and alcohol. The life of a musican! Chasing after every skirt that hangs out in a bar. Why is everyone so pissed off? On and on. Then, a gun. Lucky for me there was only one bullet and I didn't keep pulling the trigger. Now comes the parade of psychiatrists. Oh brother.
Got married. A disaster, and this time it wasn't all my fault. Single again for awhile. Then the real thing came into my life. But it wasn't going to be smooth sailing, because I was still crazy. Done with the drugs and booze, but still nuts. She thought it was just my artistic whatever-you-call-it. But then it went way bad and she threw me out. Back to another psychiatrist, this time because I was in despair, I mean cosmic despair. The moron gives me Prozac and enough sedatives to kill myself, which I promptly tried to do.
Two weeks in a mental institution. Lovely place. But I met a doctor there who figured out what was wrong with me. That's right, Asperger's. As he explained it I felt as though my entire life was finally coming into focus. So that's it!
Got back with my wife. Started taking all the pills. Therapy. It's tiring just writing this.
Now I know what I have to do, and what I have to avoid.
I'm still a musician, still married and still crazy. I've lost a lot of "friends" but I have to be convinced that they weren't really friends in the first place. I still behave very badly at times. And my mouth is capable of saying some pretty stupid things. Let's put it this way, I am no stranger to regret. But the way I look at it, it could have been a lot worse.



lucy1
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02 Nov 2007, 3:06 am

Understanding why -- really helps - good to hear things are slowly improving for you. 8)



MrMark
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02 Nov 2007, 3:28 am

jazzguy wrote:
The moron gives me Prozac and enough sedatives to kill myself, which I promptly tried to do.

:lol: I'm sorry, that sentence made me laugh. I think you're going to fit right in here.

Hi, I'm Mark. Welcome to the Wrong Planet.


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Sapphix
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02 Nov 2007, 3:33 am

Your story sounds familiar. You're at the start of the next part of the journey. Welcome and enjoy.



gwenevyn
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02 Nov 2007, 3:41 am

MrMark wrote:
jazzguy wrote:
The moron gives me Prozac and enough sedatives to kill myself, which I promptly tried to do.

:lol: I'm sorry, that sentence made me laugh. I think you're going to fit right in here.


Oh, yes!

I like your attitude, jazzguy. A little ray of light.


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Speedy
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02 Nov 2007, 4:49 am

Ah, see, you can't be that crazy. Sorry, that crazy, otherwise you wouldn't have known he was a moron for giving you all the pills. Welcome to the show...


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criss
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02 Nov 2007, 5:39 am

I can connect with you very deeply Jazzguy.

The 'cloud of unknowing' was killing me. Now I feel validated and deeply affirmed in one fell swoop. I now have realistic expectations of myself and real acceptance.

I had been through therapy and 12 step process for over 14 years, all working within the context of abuse, trauma & 'adult child' stuff. Although this work alongside my Alexander Technique training gave me real tools to develop skills of self-awareness, there was a little leak in my boat, and in that leak I was drowning in existential misery at why I was unable to bare being with my little child and 'make it as a 'man' in the world.

My diagnoses was the missing link, the missing piece of the jigsaw. Hence I now look at the self-harming wounds on my arms, not as self-harming wounds at all, but as midwifery type marks that were part of the process of externalizing the internal world that I now can put a name to.

Welcome my friend. Welcome....


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jjstar
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02 Nov 2007, 6:02 am

You MUST , but absolutely MUST read After the Tears. It will put your mind and soul at ease with some clear-minded compassion and enlightenment. Please say you will find the book.....




jazzguy wrote:
Even when I was little kid. Crazy. Couldn't get with the picture, was always somewhere else. School? You've got to be kidding. Daddy drank, Mommy took pills. Typical American family, except that I was crazy. Getting into playing a musical instrument was a huge relief, and I quit school as soon as I was old enough. Moved to the big city and started being a professional musican. But I was still crazy.
Problems, problems. What the hell are all these people talking about? Can't they see that it's so obvious? No they can't.
Drugs and alcohol. The life of a musican! Chasing after every skirt that hangs out in a bar. Why is everyone so pissed off? On and on. Then, a gun. Lucky for me there was only one bullet and I didn't keep pulling the trigger. Now comes the parade of psychiatrists. Oh brother.
Got married. A disaster, and this time it wasn't all my fault. Single again for awhile. Then the real thing came into my life. But it wasn't going to be smooth sailing, because I was still crazy. Done with the drugs and booze, but still nuts. She thought it was just my artistic whatever-you-call-it. But then it went way bad and she threw me out. Back to another psychiatrist, this time because I was in despair, I mean cosmic despair. The moron gives me Prozac and enough sedatives to kill myself, which I promptly tried to do.
Two weeks in a mental institution. Lovely place. But I met a doctor there who figured out what was wrong with me. That's right, Asperger's. As he explained it I felt as though my entire life was finally coming into focus. So that's it!
Got back with my wife. Started taking all the pills. Therapy. It's tiring just writing this.
Now I know what I have to do, and what I have to avoid.
I'm still a musician, still married and still crazy. I've lost a lot of "friends" but I have to be convinced that they weren't really friends in the first place. I still behave very badly at times. And my mouth is capable of saying some pretty stupid things. Let's put it this way, I am no stranger to regret. But the way I look at it, it could have been a lot worse.


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Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams. ~Mary Ellen Kelly


edal
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02 Nov 2007, 4:33 pm

See, mental institutions CAN work. Even whilst in there there are however some limits <g>. Lots of us folk with AS tend to latch on to certain tunes or sometimes entire albums and for a while I decided that playing 'Dark Side of the Moon' was a good idea.

Again and again.

For hours.

Days at a time :roll:

Eventually one of the male nurses had a quiet word in my ear and hinted that unless I stopped this they would take away my cassette player. Apart from the track titled 'Brain Damage' there's also the spoken background dialog which includes the wonderful words "I know I'm mad, I've always been mad, I've been mad for f&$king years". This was therefore considered bad for the patients.

Ed Almos



jazzguy
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02 Nov 2007, 4:34 pm

Hi, it's nice to be welcomed by you all! We're the special ones, you know. Sometimes I love my asperger's.



Icarus_Falling
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02 Nov 2007, 4:35 pm

Welcome to club crazy, brother. I'll toss in another your story is very much like my own. Not the same, but the huantingly similar, if you know what I mean. And as have others have mentioned, you're not alone in being "crazy" here; though, personally, I still prefer the term "mad".

May the fires of your madness temper you into a stronger person, and lend passion to your art.

Good fortune,

- Icarus the Mad


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bok53
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02 Nov 2007, 5:36 pm

if you think you are crazy,t hen you are not.

Sorry to be the harbinger, etc



ouinon
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02 Nov 2007, 5:45 pm

Hello, Jazzguy, and welcome.

For me it's The Wall crashing down that made visible the AS. Took me a while to work it out. S**t, all that time wasted. But got here , and SOOOO GLAD.



Icarus_Falling
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02 Nov 2007, 5:56 pm

bok53 wrote:
if you think you are crazy,t hen you are not.

Sorry to be the harbinger, etc

8O :o :lol: :wink: 8)

Oh, I really don't think I'm mad; I just say that to fool people. I think everyone else is mad, and I'm the only sane person on the planet. And I know I'm right; you have the proof scrawled in invisible ink right across your forehead; but I know how to see it, how to squint just right; my gods showed me how....

Thanks for harbinging us such sage and absolutely accurate, watertight, and unassailable wisdom; your obvious deep understanding of madness and mental instability is like a ray of light piercing into the depths of my dark and cloudy world. I hereby bestow upon you His Divine Shadow's Award of Merit; may you wear it with pride.

"So let me get this straight: You want to fly on a magic carpet to see the king of the potato people, and plead with him for you freedom... And you're telling me your completely sane?" - Rimmer

Good fortune,

- Icarus the Sane


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lastcrazyhorn
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02 Nov 2007, 6:46 pm

If by "mad" you mean "sane," then yes, I'll go along with that. :)

Welcome dude. I just got diagnosed myself. It made a lot of my life make a lot more sense. I'm a musician too btw. French horn, piano, guitar. :)


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