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machinex
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04 Nov 2007, 9:59 am

It would be amazing if people could just leave me alone most of the time.... but they always want something from you. I hate it when I am working on something, thinking about something or reading something... whatever it is... and someone comes over, interrupts me and demands that I do something I honestly don't care about or don't see the point in doing.

It's not that I don't care about them, but seriously... when my girlfriend demands that I stop reading my book and go look at a picture of someone's dog... it's annoying as hell. Or when my boss comes over, interrupts the important project I've been working on all day and asks me to help her use the copy machine (which, as far as I am concerned, she should already be able to do herself), it's annoying. A certain amount of this is to be expected in life, but I almost seem to attract it... as if people are thinking "hey it's okay to interrupt whatever HE is doing and ask stupid questions or bring up pointless topics, because he's different."

And of course, I eventually snap, confront them about it and basically tell them "hey, I'm trying to do (insert thing here), let me finish and then I'll come do (whatever it is they are asking for)." Usually I'm just trying to warn them "hey you're annoying the hell out of me" without saying it that way, which is something I see NTs do all the time... and they always say "you're such an as*hole" or "what is YOUR problem." It seems they see me as a pushover, and get offended when I show that I'm not, as if the thought is "hey, that guy is a p****, he shouldn't stand up for himself, he should just obey me, what an as*hole."

Don't get me wrong, there are things that are interruption-worthy, if that's a good way of putting it. Obviously if someone needed something that was actually important, I'd be there for them. But the irony is, when something is ACTUALLY important, they ignore me and screw it up worse themselves or go hire someone and waste money. So sure, they are perfectly fine interrupting me with a request to listen to pithy small talk or look at photos I care nothing about, but when there is a real problem I could really help with, they ignore me, and then come at me later saying "why didn't you help, you as*hole?" Well, duh, you didn't ask and I didn't know there was a problem. What is this mind-reading crap they expect me to be able to do, anyway? Then they act as if it's perfectly reasonable that I should know everything bad that was happening WITHOUT talking about it.

Of course, I'm expected to tend to their needs IMMEDIATELY, drop everything I am doing regardless of importance and attend to their whims. Don't get me wrong, I'm willing to help, but wow... I wasn't aware that everything they want must be done NOW, and everything I want should be ignored entirely.

Anyone have any advice or ideas on how to deal with these types of people? I'll grant that not all normal people are like this, but a disproportionate amount of them are.



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04 Nov 2007, 10:12 am

I understand where you're coming from completely. I'm there and share these sentiments to their fullest. What ~do~ other people want? Cause I sure as heck don't have a clue! Most of the time I think they're all vampires wanting to suck the lifeforce from me. And you know what - I bet they'd like to too. <swat!> I sure have a knack for drawing in the mosquitos and you know what they say - microcosm/macrocosm - so maybe we just need to buckle up, keep under wraps and protect, protect, protect.

That or - we need to share and in spite of it being really uncomfortable a MAJOR PITA - it's what's being asked of us. Or else it simply wouldn't have manifested in the way it did. I.e. we gotta go beyond the comfort level into a space of conflict so that we can incur resolution......

What d'ya think?


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Last edited by jjstar on 04 Nov 2007, 10:22 am, edited 1 time in total.

machinex
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04 Nov 2007, 10:20 am

jjstar wrote:
I understand where you're coming from completely. I'm there and share these sentiments to their fullest. What ~do~ other people want? Cause I sure as heck don't have a clue! Most of the time I think they're all vampires wanting to suck the lifeforce from me. And you know what - I bet they'd like to too. <swat!> I sure have a knack for drawing in the mosquitos and you know what they say - microcom/macrocosm - so maybe we just need to buckle up, keep under wraps and protect, protect, protect.

That or - we need to share and in spite of it being really uncomfortable a MAJOR PITA - it's what's being asked of us. Or else it simply wouldn't have manifested in the way it did. I.e. we gotta go beyond the comfort level into a space of conflict so that we can incur resolution......

What d'ya think?


That's a great way of putting it, vampires/mosquitos. It DOES feel that way sometimes, as if they see a nice juicy lifeforce and have to suck it out.



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04 Nov 2007, 10:20 am

You 100%ers ruin the curve for everyone.

One person doing the work of one is wrong, that takes three people.

In the private sector, with computers, we got rid of much deadwood, in government employment actually went up, they had "We the People" for a boss.

You are an as*hole, you could be promoted to management.

To most, work is a form of daycare.

Robots! They are the only answer, replace workers with robots!

I am tired of running a Socialist daycare, give me robots and a few people who do not talk, make eye contact, show me pictures of their dog, talk of TV, and a hundred other things that have nothing to do with production.

They do not understand the concept of work, and when I get my robots they can starve.

Welcome Machinex, you have a great future before you.



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04 Nov 2007, 10:25 am

I can see your point. I don't mind helping someone if they genuinely need it, but I don't like people interrupting me to say, "Look at that!" (Unless it's something I am really interested in, like a new cat on the block.) I am getting much more flexible with interruptions in my routine.

When I'm working at the library, I don't mind helping my co-workers. However, some of the patrons make me feel uncomfortable, especially if they smell bad. If there is a nice person, however, I genuinely want to help them. In my job, there is a limited amount of information I can give, usually restricted to directional questions.



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04 Nov 2007, 10:45 am

Inventor, it sounds like you're being sarcastic, but I gotta tell you, that all sounds pretty good to me, mostly robots and just people who mind their own business and concentrate on the work. Can I come be one of the people who works there?

Jistar and Machinex, I agree completely. Many of the people you run across in life actually think because your feelings/best interests/projects are not important to them, those things should not be important to you either, and will be offended if you don't agree with them about that. It's absolutely mind-blowing to see their level of self-centeredness.

I am currently having trouble with my brother's girlfriend because she feels that because she wants me to do something, I am completely out-of-line for not putting what she wants ahead of what is right for me. She doesn't put my wants first in anything, she just feels I owe it to her to put her wants first the same way she does...due to the innate rightness of her wants. This is quite a common occurance in my life, probably because I try to never reinforce that type of nonsense-if you reward a behavior, you just get more of it. Unfortunately, I have not figured out how to let them know I am deliberately refusing to reinforce behavior I consider selfish - I don't have the social skills to get the message across to them - so they bellyache about how I am selfish for not putting them first (even though they have never put me first)! Although, now that I think about it, even if I did get that message across to them perfectly, they would still not get it.



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04 Nov 2007, 11:03 am

I found myself agreeing with machinex and also thinking how great it would be to work with other robots like me :lol:
I don't understand why I always have 10x more stuff that I want to do than I physically have time for and other people are wandering about looking for something to do.

However I then read inventors post and it is true that work is not so much about getting work done as about maintaining the fabric of society so that the money and resources circulate and people can consume in all forms and live.
There are probably way too many people on the planet than necessary and with ever growing populations there has to be enough jobs and slow enough turn over off resources to keep things ticking along. Unfortunately with capitalistic societies and increased industrialisation of various countries the consumption is every year increasing and resources being competed for (it is scary to thing what the outcome will be).

With an autistic world view and workforce we could possibly make more efficient use of resources and time but what would happen to all the people?


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machinex
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04 Nov 2007, 11:03 am

KaliMa wrote:
She doesn't put my wants first in anything, she just feels I owe it to her to put her wants first the same way she does...due to the innate rightness of her wants.


Maybe that's the difference here... I don't believe in the innate rightness of a thing just because I want it. I try to be objective about what's important and what's not, regardless of who wants it. People today are ridiculously self-centered, or maybe that's just the way it looks from where we Aspies stand. Either way, like you say they believe in the inherent rightness of their wants, and thus someone must attend to these wants. Maybe we are just the easiest targets to fulfill those wants, because we don't have the proper "go away and leave me alone" body language, social skills or whatever it is that NTs can use to discourage this behavior.



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04 Nov 2007, 11:10 am

I recently had a young colleague come to me for computer help, he said it wasn't urgent and if I had time he would be grateful.
I was obviously in the middle of something so said I would be along in 5 minutes (after accurately assessing it would take me 5 minutes to finish what I was immediately doing).
Instead of going away and waiting 5 minutes he stood and continued talking about how he needed my help because the boss needed the file that day etc.
I gave up and just went and helped him.
Maybe he didn't get that when I say 5 minutes that's what it will be and not the 'at some point in the future which may be later today or never' that '5 minutes' can mean to NT's.


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machinex
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04 Nov 2007, 11:14 am

alexbeetle wrote:
I recently had a young colleague come to me for computer help, he said it wasn't urgent and if I had time he would be grateful.
I was obviously in the middle of something so said I would be along in 5 minutes (after accurately assessing it would take me 5 minutes to finish what I was immediately doing).
Instead of going away and waiting 5 minutes he stood and continued talking about how he needed my help because the boss needed the file that day etc.
I gave up and just went and helped him.
Maybe he didn't get that when I say 5 minutes that's what it will be and not the 'at some point in the future which may be later today or never' that '5 minutes' can mean to NT's.


I hate that. Happens all the time to me too.



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04 Nov 2007, 11:16 am

machinex wrote:
It would be amazing if people could just leave me alone most of the time.... but they always want something from you. I hate it when I am working on something, thinking about something or reading something... whatever it is... and someone comes over, interrupts me and demands that I do something I honestly don't care about or don't see the point in doing.

It's not that I don't care about them, but seriously... when my girlfriend demands that I stop reading my book and go look at a picture of someone's dog... it's annoying as hell. Or when my boss comes over, interrupts the important project I've been working on all day and asks me to help her use the copy machine (which, as far as I am concerned, she should already be able to do herself), it's annoying. A certain amount of this is to be expected in life, but I almost seem to attract it... as if people are thinking "hey it's okay to interrupt whatever HE is doing and ask stupid questions or bring up pointless topics, because he's different."

And of course, I eventually snap, confront them about it and basically tell them "hey, I'm trying to do (insert thing here), let me finish and then I'll come do (whatever it is they are asking for)." Usually I'm just trying to warn them "hey you're annoying the hell out of me" without saying it that way, which is something I see NTs do all the time... and they always say "you're such an as*hole" or "what is YOUR problem." It seems they see me as a pushover, and get offended when I show that I'm not, as if the thought is "hey, that guy is a p****, he shouldn't stand up for himself, he should just obey me, what an as*hole."

Don't get me wrong, there are things that are interruption-worthy, if that's a good way of putting it. Obviously if someone needed something that was actually important, I'd be there for them. But the irony is, when something is ACTUALLY important, they ignore me and screw it up worse themselves or go hire someone and waste money. So sure, they are perfectly fine interrupting me with a request to listen to pithy small talk or look at photos I care nothing about, but when there is a real problem I could really help with, they ignore me, and then come at me later saying "why didn't you help, you as*hole?" Well, duh, you didn't ask and I didn't know there was a problem. What is this mind-reading crap they expect me to be able to do, anyway? Then they act as if it's perfectly reasonable that I should know everything bad that was happening WITHOUT talking about it.

Of course, I'm expected to tend to their needs IMMEDIATELY, drop everything I am doing regardless of importance and attend to their whims. Don't get me wrong, I'm willing to help, but wow... I wasn't aware that everything they want must be done NOW, and everything I want should be ignored entirely.

Anyone have any advice or ideas on how to deal with these types of people? I'll grant that not all normal people are like this, but a disproportionate amount of them are.


I understand that. I wish I had some good advice - because I'd be using it - but I don't. I'm of the mind that people should know how to do their job (i.e. your boss with the copier) and those are the types of interruptions that bother me the most. LEARN it, for pete's sake. The one that bothers me most, however, is when you end up having to do a job that someone else is paid to do. This happens a lot with insurance companies, where I end up doing all the go-between for them. I'll flat out ask, "Hey, if you all aren't going to do your jobs and you're having me do it for you, exactly what will I be getting paid for this?" I know I have enough of my own responsibilities to tend to without helping someone else float through life.

And what you said about the reaction of people when you don't behave like a pushover, YES, I've often found myself asking myself...what the hell? They say Aspies have narrow focus (we do), but I think NTs can freak out just as badly when someone doesn't fit the precise mental map they have of them...and they cop a nasty attitude about it.


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04 Nov 2007, 11:33 am

KaliMa wrote:
Inventor, it sounds like you're being sarcastic, but I gotta tell you, that all sounds pretty good to me, mostly robots and just people who mind their own business and concentrate on the work. Can I come be one of the people who works there?

Jistar and Machinex, I agree completely. Many of the people you run across in life actually think because your feelings/best interests/projects are not important to them, those things should not be important to you either, and will be offended if you don't agree with them about that. It's absolutely mind-blowing to see their level of self-centeredness.

I am currently having trouble with my brother's girlfriend because she feels that because she wants me to do something, I am completely out-of-line for not putting what she wants ahead of what is right for me. She doesn't put my wants first in anything, she just feels I owe it to her to put her wants first the same way she does...due to the innate rightness of her wants. This is quite a common occurance in my life, probably because I try to never reinforce that type of nonsense-if you reward a behavior, you just get more of it. Unfortunately, I have not figured out how to let them know I am deliberately refusing to reinforce behavior I consider selfish - I don't have the social skills to get the message across to them - so they bellyache about how I am selfish for not putting them first (even though they have never put me first)! Although, now that I think about it, even if I did get that message across to them perfectly, they would still not get it.


I don't know. I'm going through exactly the same thing with boundaries. It's a situation where I crave my boundaries. Do not infiltrate. I put signs up all around. Drop hints. Let the fences speak for themselves, but there are always going to be people who NEED me. Or need a fix. I don't know if it's me specifically - but they need to be fed energy - and I seem the likely source for that. It's narrowed down a lot since I simply don't answer the phone and disconnected from every human in my life - but still there are those nearest and dearest - blood relations... And then I get to becoming confused here...and what is considered ok in terms of boundaries for a blood relative who is in need......

There's taking care of yourself and then giving back....It's such a fine line...I don't know how to answer you in the right way.....:/


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04 Nov 2007, 12:07 pm

jjstar wrote:
KaliMa wrote:
Inventor, it sounds like you're being sarcastic, but I gotta tell you, that all sounds pretty good to me, mostly robots and just people who mind their own business and concentrate on the work. Can I come be one of the people who works there?

Jistar and Machinex, I agree completely. Many of the people you run across in life actually think because your feelings/best interests/projects are not important to them, those things should not be important to you either, and will be offended if you don't agree with them about that. It's absolutely mind-blowing to see their level of self-centeredness.

I am currently having trouble with my brother's girlfriend because she feels that because she wants me to do something, I am completely out-of-line for not putting what she wants ahead of what is right for me. She doesn't put my wants first in anything, she just feels I owe it to her to put her wants first the same way she does...due to the innate rightness of her wants. This is quite a common occurance in my life, probably because I try to never reinforce that type of nonsense-if you reward a behavior, you just get more of it. Unfortunately, I have not figured out how to let them know I am deliberately refusing to reinforce behavior I consider selfish - I don't have the social skills to get the message across to them - so they bellyache about how I am selfish for not putting them first (even though they have never put me first)! Although, now that I think about it, even if I did get that message across to them perfectly, they would still not get it.


I don't know. I'm going through exactly the same thing with boundaries. It's a situation where I crave my boundaries. Do not infiltrate. I put signs up all around. Drop hints. Let the fences speak for themselves, but there are always going to be people who NEED me. Or need a fix. I don't know if it's me specifically - but they need to be fed energy - and I seem the likely source for that. It's narrowed down a lot since I simply don't answer the phone and disconnected from every human in my life - but still there are those nearest and dearest - blood relations... And then I get to becoming confused here...and what is considered ok in terms of boundaries for a blood relative who is in need......

There's taking care of yourself and then giving back....It's such a fine line...I don't know how to answer you in the right way.....:/


Jistar-

You're very sweet to want to 'answer (me) in the right way', but I was just bellyaching about the situation. I didn't expect anyone had any answers to this kind of behavior. :). I was just venting. Thanks so much for your good wishes, though :D

KaliMa



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04 Nov 2007, 1:48 pm

I'm not sure if I know how to deal with them, but if they're only doing it for the sake of seeking attention, and don't really need your help, I think they're just full of themselves, and don't deserve it. If they really do need the help though and don't know how to do it, and you do, perhaps it's worth your time--you might even get a raise.


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