They won't understand.

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I think I have Asperger's.
I can't maintain relationships, I get obsessed with things frequently, I try to be more competent socially by trial and error and imitating others personalities, I often have to psyche myself out to get ready for any kind of social function, I CAN'T make eye contact, and I'm freaking clear out because I go to college next year and private rooms weren't available.
I want to tell my parents, but I don't think they'll believe me.
I'm relatively loud at home, I'm an only child, I get along best with my parents, I'm not shy around them, though they know I'm not very social, and I think they just attribute that to being an introvert.
My parent's conception of anyone with Asperger's is Jerry from Boston Legal.
I'm afraid to bring this up to anyone, my mom will just think it's all in my head. I once told her I never feel really in place and I kind of feel out of sync with everyone else wherever I am and she replied "Oh, no you don't, you're just making up stuff, you're fine"
But I really have felt alone until I found this website and saw that other people have these weird attributes like me.
I'm even contemplating submitting this because I'm afraid of some of the responses I'll get. I don't even know what responses I would be afraid of...I just hate putting myself out there and I'm afraid I'll regret hitting the "Submit" button, like I've forgotten something vital to my plea that I won't be able to correct or something will sound wrong or offensive.

Welcome to Wrong Planet, Chell!

Hey Chell,
don't worry we are nice people. We will try to not say anything out of line.
One, your parents think they know you more than you know yourself, and that doesn't make sense. If I were you I'd say I know more about myself than you, or something along those lines. Also basing a real condition (I don't say disability or disorder) on a made up character is well, stupid. I couldn't think of a better word.
You do sound like you have AS; the obsessions, the social incompetence, the anxiety about sharing a dorm in college.
You should look for an ASD specialist or ask your doctor to refer you to someone. Even if you go to college you might meet a teacher that thinks you have it. I met someone that had that happen, and they got a bit of extra studying time.
Convincing parents is tough. It took a while for my mum to believe me, and at times she still thinks I'm making up excuses, that whole 'she knows me better than I know myself' thing.
Anyway, welcome to the forum. I hope you get officially diagnosed soon.

I love how people can tell you over and over again cliches like, "Its all in your head, and you're just making it up." Your mom seems to be saying it over and over again to you, with the feeling that if she pounds denial into your head enough, you will accept it as the truth. Some people seem to feel that they can convince anyone of anything by playing the same message over and over again like a broken record and eventually the target will break down and accept. They transfer the blame and guilt to you and make it your fault and choice to act in the socially stunted way that you probably behave. In truth, because of AS, you are guaranteed to struggle socially and nothing ever do can change that fact, despite your parents conviction that you are just an introvert and capable of change.

I had some trouble accepting my AS when I was first diagnosed and I went through a phase of denial. I can tell you that you will be far happier if you tell your parents about your AS. What is really the worst that they can do to you that they are not already doing because of ignorance? I have a funny feeling that you will find your parents surprisingly accommodating and tolerant. My parents tormented me for years trying to get me to "shape up," but when I told them the truth about AS, they came to the realization that they had been wrong all of those years and have since been nice to me.

I accepted my parents branding and characterizaton of me as a failure and underachiever because for my whole life I believed that people were incapable of viewing themselves objectively, and only others were capable of giving individuals an unbiased account of themselves.

If the college is aware of your disability, they might be able to make some accommodations for you and then your living arrangments could be more tolerable. If you ask questions, sometimes you like the answers you hear.

If american College is liek Australian University then you are saying you are anxious about moving away from home.

Thats normal, everyone feels this way.

There is far more to AS then hobbies, aneixty, being out of sync, not makign eye contact.

No one here can diagnose you over the net and frankly at your age it is hard because you can fake all the symptoms easy enough - realistically an AS of your age should be well on there way to their first oscar! (acting)

Now... I am not saying you are or are not AS, but perhaps it might be worth seeing if you can go speak with a shrink. It sounds to me like you have a lot of anxiety about leaving home. Best you tackle that first before you go through the expense of moving out and then moving back in 4 weeks later.

I think it would be a good idea to get an official diagnose, and then have the doctor talk to them. That way they will understand it.

If you first talk to your parents and then get the diagnose they will think you are looking for excuses, like you are trying to hold on to anything in order to "justify" your behavior.

I can understand when people have these reactions towards us, to me it's human nature.

I can relate to this.....my parents are dead but I still have friends, family and employers to deal with. If I don't tell them, it's like having an invisible broken leg - naturally they'll expect me to walk on it, and with so little AS-awareness around, when I fail to comply they'll most likely just think I'm awkward, lazy, antisocial, or just plain weird. If I do tell them, it's so hard to explain to somebody unfamiliar with the syndrome that I'll most likely not sound convincing, and they'll probably think I'm making it up. Catch 22 is that I can probably do anything that an Aspie isn't supposed to do, for a short time if I really force myself - but all that will do is to tire me out and convince them that I can do these things just fine if I wish (therefore I was lying all the time!).

Excellent advice IMHO - in fact the one thing that convinces me I might be able to single-handedly get my GP to give me a referral is that I happened to mention my suspicion of AS to a counsellor who happened to be a clinical psychologist. She gave me the AQ test on the spot, which scored positive, and urged me to go to my GP armed with that. So now I can open the negotiations by simply referring to the authoritative opinion of a clinical psychologist, instead of woffling on about my own subjective self-diagnosis. In the past, several times I've come away from that GP's surgery feeling like I must be a hypochondriac or something, as he often fails to see my health concerns as matters that require any action from him at all apart from "reassurance" that there's nothing much wrong with me.

I don't know how much of my advice here will work outside of the UK (where I am - it seems that the UK is the best country to be in when it comes to AS rights), but for what it's worth, another source of authority is the National Autistic Society - if you contact them and explain your predicament, I believe they'll be sympathetic and helpful, and mentioning your contact with them is another good way of pre-empting the disbelief of anybody you wish to convince that your plight is genuine.

Similarly with my employer - I won't claim to have AS without the official diagnosis to prove my assertions, except as a doomsday option if they force me into a corner my insisting I do "Aspie-unfriendly" things that I can't do. The counsellor suggested I got my GP to write them a letter to tell them I was awaiting a diagnosis, which she said would force them to treat me as if I've already been diagnosed as far as work expectations are concerned. But the one big problem I see about doing that is - what the hell do I do if the diagnosis turns out to be negative, because of an incompetent diagnostician or because the DSM-IV diagnostic criteria don't quite rate my symptoms as severe enough to be officially positive? If I've already played the AS card and that happens, the "hypochondriac malingerer" label would seem inevitable. So I don't think I'll be asking for that GP's letter.

So if things get too tough at work, my plan is to simply tell them about whatever trait is preventing me from delivering - "I'm sorry but I just can't focus with all this background noise/interruption" - and hope to God they believe me. Individual impairments are a lot easier to explain than trying to give them the whole "triad of impairments" theory in one go.

Again, UK disability discrimination law is probably the best in the world, so I'm lucky to be where I am. But hopefully your difficulties are so far just with family, friends and educational establishments. I really don't know how people cope in these countries where employers can hire and fire without just cause - yet somehow they do cope.

Hope this helps! Like I say, I can really relate to your predicament. It scares me even with all the coping strategies I've discovered, and I won't feel secure until I can prove my case. If my diagnosis comes back negative, well I'll just have to cross that bridge when I come to it. I've survived all these years without even suspecting I had AS, so hopefully I'll be able to somehow keep trudging on until I can afford to retire.

By the way, there's nothing offensive about what you've posted - you are now in the realm of fellow-sufferers and I'm sure you'll find most of us are with you. I'm sure you've taken a good step in posting your question. If the world gives you any trouble, just holler out

I so went 'YES'! ! to this...it's like you're damned if you do. damned if you don't - if have always found it really hard to refuse to do anything, even if it makes me feel awful, but I am working for myself now and realising I have AS has helped too...even if someone doesn't believe me, I know I feel that way because of it, so...
I get annoyed when I tell people and they don't believe me too - it's usually, oh I know someone who has it and you aren't like that' - ! !!

Bingo! You just hit the nail on the head.

And the longer they know you, the longer they see you "do the right thing."

What they don't see is the exhaustion. And I think for some older Aspies, sometimes the exhaustion gets worse with age. So people see you decline as you get older, not get smarter and wiser that they expect.

I feel like an car with all gears broken but first. My engine is the intellect, my emotions the transmission. Yes, i can deal with emotional issues using my intellect and self-control. But that is a lot harder when cruising life on the freeway at full speed. You can't only sustain it so long before the engine (intellect) needs a rebuild.

For me, the most realistic "outside what it looks like" example of a character I have seen is Jody Foster's character in the movie Contact. Carl Sagan the writer of the story was an Aspie. 1) She is horribly abrasive with people throughout her life, and it is openly discussed in several scenes. 2) Intense single-minded focus, the entire plot of the film. 3) Her eye contact is often TOO MUCH, which is a reverse trait of many aspies [not no eye contact, but staring.]. 4) She has a meltdown scene in which she drives a jeep up a hill and almost kills her boss when they take away her telescope. 5) she has a shutdown scene after another telescope is taken away, where she runs off in the desert and sits by herself. 6) Her father dies and she is emotionally nonreactive and fixates on not getting to her father with heart pills on time. 7) She falls in love with a man, but acts weirdly and pushes him away and doesn't know how to deal with it like most love stories in movies.

But another point - is many Aspies through training or not overcome specific traints. Or they have backwards traits. See: http://www.sciencenews.org/view/generic ... f_empathy_

I did not realize I was an Aspie until age 39. I had drama training and such at age 10 to 17. I was professionally trained how to act out emotions, how to interact with people, how to make eye contact in ways that the people in the audience can see. to express my emoitons, but loudly so the people in the back row can see them. I came from a nuclear family with no divorce or serious problems, so I had a structure of how to behave.

But in the end, all this positive childhood works against me. It has hidden from me my own problems. I didn't realize that EVERYONE didn't have to WORK AT IT ALL SO HARD. That you are constantly on stage, and I much prefer to work by myself alone in a room. And that's often where I'm most happy. Here right now, alone at my home-based job - writing to you guys via text instead of in a noisy place where we all talk over each other

yet, even with this childhood training, I'm 39 and have no friends, my relationships with women always fall apart. I talk one-sided, I talk too loud and can't control my voice, I have serious problems with emotions, I am always doing the WHY WHY WHY thing with people. I have many of the physical symptoms, I have the meltdowns and shutdowns, I have the hearing sensitivity and light sensitivity issues. The list of matches is like 95%. But because I "seem to be able to fake it" people think that my BAD BEHAVIOR is the faking / manipulation. What they don't get is that the GOOD BEHAVIOR, the TRYING TO FIT IN - is the faking!

I see that with Jody Foster's character in Contact. I encourage you to watch the film. You can see that she is CONSTANTLY faking it, to fit in. The more times I watch the film, the more i see. Like her choice to use sound to listen for signals. And a scene where she turns off a TV that is making noise when she is trying to have conversation. How she reacts to being passed over for a speech at the White House. How she chooses a solitary job out in the desert or other remote places. How she behaves when she is interviewed in front of a committee about God.

I'm sending that movie to my own Father. To explain how i can have a social disorder but also had a successful career my entire adult life. but I was never HAPPY in that career, never happy in my private life, never happy at all. As I never met the tolerant and understanding love of my life that Jody's character does. At the end, she finds her perfect Aspie mate. A social person that loves her for who she is. And this mate lets her go back out to her solitary job in the desert. And she is working with kids, which are a lot easier socially than adults. Such a happy ending for a high functioning Aspie!

My parents were the same. During my childhood, they just dismissed it right off when i asked them why i thought i was different and we never brought it up again. But just 37 minutes ago, i completed the WAIS test... at the age of 35.

Better late than never i guess

I have a similar disposition......and it can be so counterproductive! The moment I deliver what's expected of me, I've made a rod for my own back, if the task was Aspie-unfriendly.

Conventionally, you'd be expected to simply bite the bullet and do the job, then next time round it's easier, because you (metaphorically) strengthen the right muscles. But with "neurotypical-only" work performed by an Aspie, those muscles don't get any stronger, so you can't play through the pain, because the pain never stops. It's not quite that clear-cut, because most Aspies aren't impaired 100% in all Aspie traits, and sometimes coping strategies can be found that do get stronger with practice, but for the impairments that the individual does significantly have, it can happen just like I've described.

Famous last words...

I know what you mean by the parents saying that it is all in your head. I used to get that a lot and now I continually doubt myself. I will realize I am doing something that I normally don't notice and my mind will tell me "quit faking it you big wussy." or something along those lines.

Just ask sit your parents down and tell them you think you really do have a problem. Explain what you think it is and why they might not have noticed it before (Probably mention that a lot of people go undiagnosed and such things)

Unless I missed it, Chell, you didn't say how old you are. If you are young enough to still be in school, is there a school counsellor or someone else associated with school that you could talk to about it? If someone from the school told your parents that you have AS maybe they would be more likely to believe it and accept it.

In general, my suggestion would be to try to get some expert opinions on it. That would carry a significant amount of credibility with most parents.

Another thought: could you approach the subject indirectly with your parents? By that I mean talk to them about the AS traits you have without actually mentioning AS. Maybe ask them why they think you ____________ and other people don't? They probably won't know enough about AS to recognize the traits as AS, but the point is to make THEM think about how and why you are different from other people. Then, after a few months of this, find something in the popular press, TV, or movies that talks about AS and make sure they see it. Maybe they will see the similarity? Just a thought.

This happened to me when I was 5.
My parents didn't believe the doctors then and they still don't now.
They and I still don't really understand.
A lot of the literature and help was hidden from me/burned, probably for a good reason.
They don't want to believe it, there's so much stigma.
They thought it was all non-sense.
Neither they or I wanted to believe it, so we ran from it.

Looking back on things, it would have been a million times easier if I'd been given appropriate support from the get-go that didn't insult my intelligence.

If there had been less stigma and medical ambiguity, I'd have been able to mention my AS casually and not felt ashamed.

In an ideal world, I'd have set up and run an Aspie Society/Network where I was studying.

I could have done it: I've booked rooms and sent out emails before.

We could have even had our own site and intranet space.

I could have booked events, organised talks.
We'd have pooled some practical advice together and shared texts.
It would have increased my confidence and organisation skills a million fold and I wouldn't have felt so left out.

This would have been a million times more helpful than some counseling woman asking:
"How does it make you feel?"

Every two seconds or some other embarrassing and intrusive help.

Unfortunately the social climate where I was studying wouldn't have been conducive for that kind of enterprise.

I heard about some abuse directed at members of the LGBT Society...so I'd have unfortunately probably had to have dealt with similar problems.