I already suspected who this person was (through adding two and two, I came across two names, a third and now a forth) I have been monitoring these names in hopes that they would post some answers to unsolved puzzles that have been going on in academic life, to which I believe this person (or persons) has. Finder? What did you find? Avenger, why? I found it to be a bit odd when one of them posted in the "love and dating" board, but checked it anyways. Sure enough, because of clues she left here and there, it was certainly her. I took to be a coded message, a big metaphor, in every aspect and decided to play along, and but I now realise it was not a metaphor, but how she's actually been perceiving things.
Who is this person? Through a session of 'connect the dots', she came across this website. I told her that I respect and admire her for her intelligence (since she connected dots so well), and meant it. I also told her that I was aware that she had become a lurking presence (you know who you are).
But, something tells me some dots have been left out in the process.
Problem: I think she took the words 'admire' and 'respect' for something wholly different. Now I'm convinced she took many things for something wholly different. A common side-effect from trying to find hidden meanings in everything. You end up finding things that were never there to begin with. Especially if you don't have enough information, which, trust me, you don't. There is so much you don't know and I've been trying to tell you.
The problem with trusting people... that's my main problem. I tend to blindly trust some and put them on very high pedestals, especially friendly people (and please, when I said friendly or friend, I actually meant friendly and friend, in the common dictionary sense of the words.) But you're not the only one.
Do you remember the "note" I handed you "a month" ago? Please reread the part that says "It might be considered impolite ... 'problematic'" take every word literally, and you'll see how I perceive things.
I, in my pathetic idealization of some people who know so much more than I in subjects I consider to be important, was convinced I had found a person I could trust and provide me with help ***I was crying out for***, but now I think I've been looking in the wrong places.
There's one major clue to my motives, right there. It's always been right under your nose.
A life's frustration: Like I said, few people acknowledge my existence, especially in that line of work. In the past (and especially present) I've had to put up with abuse, humiliation, depression, second thoughts, and a very low sense of worth. On a daily basis my already low self-esteem was constantly pounded to the ground, stomped on, and left there to rot. I love to learn, always have, but school has a funny way of making you loath it.
A major factor that contributes to my life's frustration: how the hell do you make a friend (I will repeat myself, so as not to foster misinterpretations: 'friend' as it's listed in a dictionary, strictly.)? I'm sorry if you saw my clinginess (which was actually probably an inappropriate attempt to secure one) as flirting. I tend to cling to people, though I'm making a conscience effort not to. What ultimately always happens is potential friends get the wrong idea and think I'm not interested in them (as friends, once again, in the dictionary sense) and slip away. And you have no idea how frustrating that is. But then again, how could you?
Now, so much more has fallen into place. The confusing "vibes" I mentioned - avenger or friend (indeed) - (what was I thinking?) have been cleared up. I really should be more careful with who I trust in the future.
Too bad they don't make translator softwares for that kind of communication.
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"Lightning is but a flicker of light, punctuated on all sides by darkness." - Loki
21 Nov 2007, 2:51 pm
