On the guilt of failing to act NT

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I know that the younger ones among us, who knew about AS from their teenage years, may not understand what I'm talking about. So this may be geared more to the older ones like me, who reached their thirties or even forties without knowing what the problem was and why all the rejection.

My question is: how do you cope with the guilty feelings for losing yet another job, another friend, another romantic partner to the "weirdness" of our behavior? I was blamed for it since I was born, and my hardest fight in life, apart from basic survival, is not to blame myself, not to destroy myself with guilt for having reacted the "wrong" way.

"My question is: how do you cope with the guilty feelings for losing yet another job, another friend, another romantic partner to the "weirdness" of our behavior? I was blamed for it since I was born, and my hardest fight in life, apart from basic survival, is not to blame myself, not to destroy myself with guilt for having reacted the "wrong" way."

Having just done this on thursday, I'd be interested to hear as well.

I don't know, I just got diagnosed

Today my life was a tiny bit better because I took with me out in the world the words that someone said here on a thread, that we do our best and that's all we can do.

But still, most of the time, unless I introspect about it and really work on it, I become very ashamed of myself at each social blunder and each time someone hates me.

I'm in a new job now - 4 months. The girls working with me give me the cold shoulder and have told me they don't like me. Nothing I did wrong. We never quarrelled. They just think I'm unpleasant, untrustworthy, offensive. I never did anything but make my utmost effort to be nice to them and a good friend. So I always eat alone. And I blame myself for it, I'm ashamed of it, I feel guilty.

Greentea,
I have found that the sheer necessity of having to get another job, another friend, another romantic partner ( well, I am not going THERE for a while) usually takes up the time I would be bemoaning the fact that I have screwed it up royally once again.
I am starting to get a little more perspective from knowing I have AS, though. I a hoping I will give myself a break more, now. Not that I see I a going to be any less AS and as I get older, even becoming MORE AS, I am relying on philosophy to help me cope.

good luck there, sister,

Merle

It bothers me from time to time, but I just don't really look back usually. Sure, there are a lot of things I could have tried differently, and a lot of things affected by my "weird"ness, but I can't do anything about it now, so I just stay focused on what I'm currently doing... or at least try to stay focused, lol. There is always a "what if" in any situation, or a way to make yourself feel bad about how it turned out, but one can never actually go back and fix it no matter how much it weighs on them.

I figure if I let it bother me too much, I will not have any motivation to even give most things a shot, or take care of myself for all that matter since that lovely guilty feeling can make one lose a lot of self-respect in all forms. That could add up to a lot of time wasted (as sinsboldly sort of said) over time.

I was in my fifties before I discovered aspergers is the reason for my unsolved mysteries I've carried all my life. How do I cope with my guilty feelings? I figured I've spend over 50 years feeling wrongfully guilty most of the time (which is bound to be more than half of my life gone by). So now that I realize most of what caused my undeserved guilt was my own doing because I allowed people to have me feel that way, I now put the blame where it belongs and it's not on me!

I get labeled as being "arrogant" now because of my newfound confidence and joy over liking who I am; however, that sure beats feeling wrongfully guilty.

Let's look at this logically, Greenie, ok?

when we talk to people, our facial expressions don't match our words. To them, there is only one reason for this, we are intentionally deceiving them. Their interpretation of what we may or may not be capable of barely registers with them, barely if at all, because they have never stripped away HOW they perceive things, and they have never met anyone (statistically) like us. . .and well, by that time they are bored and tired of thinking at ALL.

I can tell you the progression of me and other folks.
1. smiles all around
2. looks between them
3. distance between me and them
4. dirty looks from them/comments/ etc.

and I have to watch who DOESN'T do this , because usually they are so clueless they are dangerous to know.

every now and then, you find one that thinks you are the best thing since sliced bread and we treasure them - and learn not to crowd them too much, and maybe not even see them a lot so that beauty of friendship and acceptance will continue to flower.

sound familiar?

Merle

Of crucial consequence is what un-, under-, and misdiagnosis in women mean in the lives of women who are AS and don't know it. One meaning is that they have no way of explaining themselves to themselves, thus no access to the support and positive sense of self they need. And, perhaps more important, more difficult, and more destructive than that, they accept the default explanations for the string of problems, setbacks, and oddities in their experiences and behavior: character weakness, resulting in a vague yet profoundly affecting belief in their own worthlessness."
-- Jean Kearns Miller, "Under-diagnosis in Women", Women From Another Planet?

arrogance. Its the only way I can maintain my confidence. I cant fake being like them and frankly I'm sick of it. They aren't better then me, why the heck should I care how they feel about me. I'm smarter, more creative, honest, moral, why do I want to be like them? I cope with all those failings by reminding myself, the benifits out weigh those loses. I feel I am better off then them, and I have deeper and more meaningful relationships then most. Best thing is to just accept that you are different, then imbrace it

Herd/hive societies punish those can't or won't form heirarchical packs. I cope with this sort of stuff thru being a christian, I think.

I don't seem to be able to stop the guilty feelings when I'm fired, rejected, etc. I know rationally that it's not my fault, and that I did my best, but still...

That quote is very good, btw.

I like your answer.

Rational thought will lose to strong emotion almost every time. This is necessary to enable meltdowns, panic attacks, mass hysteria and other goodies. The problem here is the irrational search for a solution that does not exist. I do it all the time and have to remind myself to find another train of thought or it will erode self-confidence and self-esteem.

Ask the question: Did I do everything I could think of to make this work?" and if the answer is yes, MAKE it your hard and fast final decision. Then mourn the loss as a seperate issue and move on.

A shirker is someone who has a solution and tries to dilute or avoid it for no good reason, not someone like you who had no solution in the first place and busted ass, anyway.

Deal with the guilt by accepting the fact it is not you, but this awful disorder.

oh, I have that book! I will have to look at that again! of course, I was 'under diagnosed' because they didn't HAVE a diagnosis back when I could be caught.

Merle