Perhaps the story of Cyrano De Bergerac is the penultimate Asperger’s tale of unrequited passion…
Admittedly this is a fictional tale, but it resonates so strongly with so many people that it bears treating as if had actually happened (and perhaps it did, to some unnamed and unknown individuals who inspired the author…)
Consider this – Cyrano fell madly in love with (to his mind) the beautiful Roxanne, but through his life remained forever unable to express his true feeling to her directly (until the literal moment of his death – and even then it was a rather prosaic and intellectual expression of passion – he collapsed stating that he has been fully satisfied knowing Roxanne as a female friend --- oh what a safe lie that is, and one I am all too familiar with). His only solace was in the communication, by proxy, with his beloved via the much less sophisticated (and by all appearances hyper-neurotypical) Christian.
Cyrano ascribed his deficiency in this romance to his nose (and how often does an undiagnosed AS individual ascribe their inability to communicate to others as a reaction to some aspect of their physical appearance? I am uncertain, but I know in my own case it was very often –I can clearly describe my confusion/despair when removal of that perceived obstacle did not magically change who I am --- I have a 36” waistline now… why am I still not attractive???).
So, here we have an individual who could intellectually construct and express emotion, and yet was unable to utilize that expression in a safe and comfortable environ to the extent that he resorted to using a literal mouthpiece to state his sentiments (and in so doing convinced himself further that his perceived physical defect was the root cause of his inability to engage in direct communication). Hm – ability to intellectualize emotion seems pretty AS to me…
I do not for an instant believe that anyone does NOT want to have a fulfilling relationship in their lives. I *do* accept that a lot of folks in the AS community (and I include myself here) have suffered greatly in their pursuit of this goal and have, after endless disappointment, decided that the emotional cost of failure far exceeds the likelihood of success, and is thus not worth pursuing further. Cyrano seems, once again, to be a perfect role-model for this particular state.
As an aside, while I’m focusing on the obviously male-centric character of Cyrano in this diatribe, the same issues are certainly true of women with men, and in same-sex relations as well. The essence is in the emotional state, not with specific genders.
As I examine the story of Cyrano, I also see the enticement of the “noble sacrifice” --- I wonder how many of us fall prey to this notion – the idea that it is enough to be supportive of others at our own expense (I’m satisfied that the person I care for is happy, even though I am not --- happiness is denied to me because I can never fit the role expected of me --- how many here have convinced themselves this was acceptable?).
While I can appreciate the romantic notions that drive this perception, the whole thing is making me physically ill as I write this – the story of Cyrano, while certainly “romantic” in its expression of unrequited love, is simply insane! Here was a good and honorable man who spent his life with the conscious understanding that he would never be accepted as the romantic partner of the woman he loved, and who found his only solace in defining that inability to connect as a consequence of a physiological defect.
His “friends” were self-involved and treated him like a doormat --- Christian in particular, who utterly failed at every opportunity to recognize that his hormone-induced lust for Roxanne was stomping utterly on Cyrano’s honest and passionate interest in a woman he had concluded (perhaps rightfully, but the idea that this might be the case pains me) would have nothing to do with him.
I suppose I could belabor this rant with a thousand additional points, but I suspect that even my AS readers would find the diatribe tedious.
In the end, the thing that remains most tragic about Cyrano’s story is that Roxanne professed her true love to him at the instant of his death – that he has unknowingly (through, it seems, through no fault of his own) been blind to her willingness to accept and love him --- and thus the final nail is driven into the Cyrano’s coffin – that he might have had what he so desperately desired, if only he had been able to express his true feelings in a manner that was comprehensible/acceptable to Roxanne…
For the NT audience, this is tragic and touching…
But I think for the AS audience this must be infuriating…
It seems to me that Cyrano refuted his passion for Roxanne with the clear understanding that expressing it earnestly could only result in rejection – In modern terms, his fumbled expression of direct emotion would almost certainly have been perceived as a stalker-like fixation, and he knew it. Any person capable of holding a torch for their “beloved” for so many years must certainly be quite mad…
Logically and sanely, Roxanne should have been open to the idea that Cyrano loved her, and would have searched within herself to either reciprocate or explain rationally why she was unable to feel similarly towards him. Unfortunately, logic and sanity are not fixtures in either fiction or the real world. If there is anything that can be categorized as “normal” about Cyrano, it is that he (well, the character as written) recognized the uselessness of ascribing logical reactions to the magisteria of human interactions, and understood that his overtures towards Roxanne would be rejected.
At any rate, I lack the energy to expound further at this point, and I’ll leave off this topic with my perception that there are a great many fundamental differences in how NT and AS individuals perceive intimate (as in couples, not as in friendship) relations. I think the story of Cyrano is worth particular review, and I hope others will take the time to read and understand the original text in order to comment on the topic.
A reminder that all of this material is nothing more than personal observation and does not constitute an “official review” as might be had from a professional academic. While there may be a great deal of forethought on my part, I’m still just making it up as I go. I hope this has provoked you to have a “bit of a think” as a result of reading it.
Nick
20 Nov 2007, 2:15 am
