Although Asperger's syndrome greatly affects my ability to make friends, it does not fully explain why I am so lazy. Technically, both the DSM-IV-TR and the ICD-10 forbid diagnosing attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) and hyperkinetic disorder respectively if a pervasive developmental disorder (PDD) is present. However, many aspies show signs of ADHD to a greater or lesser extent, and the diagnostic taxonomy of PDD by means superposes these features. That is, ADHD symptoms are not a subset of autistic symptoms.
Anyway, my point is that ADHD describes certain personal problems I have. I am utterly incapable of turning my interests into something productive. I know how to program, but how many programs of any complexity have I written with this knowledge? For example, I have a half-written Web application that is supposed to combine an address book (I personally would find this useful), a weblog, a forum, and maybe even a mutli-user dungeon (MUD) game. I've been dabbling with it all summer buty haven't really worked at it consistently enough to get much of anywhere. I have tons of incomplete projects in my history; about two years ago, I started learning Latin but quit after two weeks because all the inflections were too tedious to memorize (I blame the poor presentation of Wheelock's Latin, which was mostly rote). The thing about all these "adventures" is that, when I first get into them, I talk to people about them with so much enthusiasm that they think I'm about to take up a life-changing interest (as in leading to a career). I'm also fine with creative writing and other free-style, less structured writing; but, when I have to do tons of research and write a lengthy paper (as in four or five pages or more), it becomes tedious; and it's a struggle just to keep writing anything.
Another thing is I find myself highly dependent on external reward. I mean anything pleasurable. I find it almost impossible to resist an urge to eat something sweet, for instance. In fact, this has led to a bit of a problem of overeating, particularly when I'm bored. I just lose myself in the pleasurable sensation of eating. This boredom too has its impact. Much of the time, I find myself almost half asleep out of boredom more than anything else; it's like there's nothing interesting enough in my admittedly bland days to motivate me. My affect is most flat when I've had nothing interesting to do for a long time; this tends to lead to depression. Also, I might not be able to stick with things because there's no reward to it. Without some external reinforcement, the motivation to keep at programming something just for my own edification withers. I feel, if I were collaborating with someone on it, talking about it, and showing it off to people, I'd stay motivated. Instead, alone in my room, I am crippled by a misery tedium.
Anyway, it's all really getting to me: the lack of friends, the lack of romance, the lack of a job, everything.
22 Aug 2005, 10:47 am
