Do you agree with this statement?

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Well for me, I didn't really connect what happened with being wrong except that the person obviously did because they told me not to tell. And me being me...I didn't.

And yes the statement is disturbing and wrong. I forgot to mention my vote.

Was this person speaking hypothetically? I would hope so, but if not, that may be a cry for help.

"Pecking order" is right. Authoritarian families make the hierarchy very clear and rigid: adults are the ones with all the power, and kids must obey without question. I grew up in such a family, as a lot of my posts indicate.

As for the vote, I voted "no". But maybe whoever voted "yes", it was probably someone for whom English wasn't the first language. After all, people speak a lot of languages.

Last edited by Aspie1 on 12 Dec 2007, 3:39 pm, edited 1 time in total.

The woman who spoke is a grandmother, so no cry for help here, I think...

Maybe. I kind of interpreted it as "I can't report this, so I'm hinting that someone needs to do it for me." On the other hand, I wasn't there, so it may have just been a wholly inappropriate example of how devoted they were to the family unit.

I think how families value the individuals within them can affect how they react to knowledge of sexual abuse and if a child does not have support of other family members who are ignoring what is going on then there is nothing they can do but suffer in silence. I also think that it is the reaction of parents/'caregivers' to disclosure of abuse that can have the most damage on a child, if they are believed and supported then I think there is a better ability to deal with what happened, if not then they can be scared quite deeply for life ie have their self worth destroyed.
Sadly it is very common in families for these acts to be covered up to save humilitaion of the family, protect the breadwinner, and because family members often love/value the abuser more than the victim.
I understand not wanting to contradict someone in power but if the opportunity arises again may be a tactful suggestion about how the statement is not really true would help her to reevaluate her position. If she is a grandmother then may be a beloved son is the subject of the comment. Anyway keeping quiet or 'agreeing' will only entrench her erroneous beliefs.

Yes i hope it's a mistake. The person might have mis understood or misread or who knows.

Um...no words (shakes head and deepens frown)

Every time I think I may finally have seen the depths of human stupidity, I am proven wrong.

I don't know how you managed, Greentea, and maybe it's both our aspieness, all of our aspieness, but it is nauseating that "the pecking order makes it the appropriate thing to do to shut up to such a horrendous uttering"

I voted no. Perhaps the yes vote was a lapse in attention that could unfortunately not be revoked. I sure hope it's something like that.

WAAAAAAAAAAAAH! NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!

Have you asked her how long she is going to let her father keep raping her? Or her sister?
Sounds like she might be referring to her own family.
Maybe the only way she could come out with it safely.

but then... I could be totally wrong about it.

Well, if Grandma is making this kind of remark at work there are several possibilities;
1)she was a victim and was taught to keep silent for the benefit of the family
2)she was a witness and wanted someone else to keep silent for the benefit of the family
3)she was making a general social comment about female hardships
4)she was a bystander who was hurt when an abusive situation was made public

There was one of those made-for-tv movies where a young teen girl accuses her father of (repeated) anal rape. There is enough evidence to charge him and pull him out of the family. However, no one believes her. Her older sister is brought in to testify against her and the little brother is defensive for her but doesn't agree to the charges. The mother is furious with the girl. Eventually even her lawyer loses faith. Then the older sister has a "flashback" at the same time the little brother does. It turns out all the kids were raped on a regular basis in a very brutal way. The eldest was made to keep quiet about it.
MOst of the movie shows how the family is torn apart during the denial phase and the mother is absolutely in love with her husband, believing he can do no wrong. She just turns on the middle child for telling on him.

I don't see how this type of subject would come up at work, and I would avoid talking about it altogether.

Maybe this is just me, but I don't think family unity is important at all. Maybe it's just that I don't get along with my family or really care about them at all, like I'm apparently supposed to.

I'd rather report the rape and watch the family fall apart, as long as it stops. That said, I'm not a daughter and have never been raped. I also tend to keep quiet about things that are hard to talk about, which is pretty much everything, so I don't know that I'd be able to tell anyone - but that doesn't mean that it shouldn't be told.

Children don't owe anything to their family. The family owes everything to their children.

My father was a rude and abusive alcoholic. More than one therapist asked me why my mother didn't protect me from my father. I asked my mother and she said that their marriage counselor told them that they had to present a united front, that they mustn't allow the children to come between them. She just didn't know any better.

wow, "united front" refers to both parents getting along with each other and agreeing about childrearing. It has nothing to do with allowing one parent to be abusive. For example, if the child gets in trouble, the parents discuss it first then deal with the child together.
It is supposed to prevent the child from seeing the parents argue and appear disorganized. It's also meant to prevent the child from manipulating the parents-like if one is more permissive than the other. It doesn't include one parent standing idle while the other abuses the child.

We allow our son to watch us discuss family matters as if we're debating philosophy. It shows him that we care, worry and talk to the point of compromise or agreement. We don't want him thinking that one parent rules the house or that we make abstract rules for fun.

honestly, i just found it easier not to say anything to anyone, and pretend like it never happened...
really, it was better that way, i felt, at the time, and now it's just not worth bringing it up this late in life. i'm not saying for a minute that i agree, or that it's right, but sometimes it's just easier.

you really would have to be in the situation to understand, i think.

and yeah, i did vote no. it shouldn't be that way.