Teasing as a Joke

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A lot of people think I'm overly serious and tense. Following the example of numerous NTs, I tried teasing someone lightly as a joke because many NT friends teach other back and forth as a way of signifying friendship. When a certain situation camr up (don't remember exactly what; this was many months ago), I called my ex-roommate's ex-girlfriend fat but in a playful tone of voice. Everyone (and not just her) took this as a serious insult; but, minutes ago, I heard a few NTs doing the same thing (not the same words, of course). By the way, this girl was pretty skinny, so it should have been obvious from that alone that I was only joking. They asked me, "Why did you say that?" and the like. Is there a part of the unwritten rules of good-natured teasing I missed?

That has not happened to me, thank the good Lord!

Yeah, it has to be done in exactly the correct tone of voice or it will be mininterpreted as serious or misunderstood.

I think I've gotten a pretty good idea of how to tease someone lightly without offending them. In the past, I have unintentionally crossed the line. I have also been overly apologetic in the past about jokes that people weren't really that offended by.

What, exactly, was the response to your joke? Maybe you misinterpreted their reaction as serious offense when they were really just playing along. It also could be possible that you didn't use the "right" tone of voice and/or facial expression to indicate that you were just joking - I've had that problem. Finally, maybe this girl is sensitive about her weight. I don't mean to stereotype, but there are a lot of girls who seem to think they're fat even thought they're, at worst, just barely overweight. So, for future reference, maybe you should find out what offends people. Also, I would apologize if you haven't already.

The 'rules' are totally random though I suspect that it has some bearing on the degree of relationship you have with the other person. It also comes down to people's expectations they have of you.

I thought I got the right tone of voice, but maybe I was a little off.

Quoting Monty Python might be safer.

This has happened to me. It is a very complicated thing, and it is something that you can't really just do on command. It has a lot to do with eye contact I think. If you are insulting someone, but looking them straight in the eye and your eyes say, "I'm only teasing you" then it is okay.
If you don't look them in the eye, then it is easy for it to be misunderstood. All of the nonverbal stuff must contradict what you are saying. This is just nearly impossible for someone with AS.

When I am at work I´m in a constant state of teasing others as far as I´m communicating at all.
Most times I´m to busy while others are chit chatting.
I think this is a way for me to avoid the sort of communication my co-workers like, about family and relations and about feelings, of which I´m not capable. I just feel uncomfortable talking about my feelings and my self.
I have a co-worker, who says Í´m never friendly, but others are teasing as well, so what is different about me teasing? Maybe because this is my core business and they´re missing empathy in my conversation or something like that?

Anybody recognize?

Monty Python is a Godsend.

Or a Briansend?

Yes. You don't just go upto someone you hardly know and call them fat. It's insulting. You have to be in a tight nit friendship to get away with something like that.




you know life is hard for skinny people too. I got teased when I was little for being skinny and it was very hurtful.

Hmm, I am not very good with eye contact for one thing, and my eyes don't communicate very much when I do look people in the eye for another. I'm not capable of expressing too much emotion through my eyes alone. Actually, if I do look people in the eye, they often turn their face away.

All that means is that they can play their 'games' because it is supposed to be a 'joke'. Where is the proof that they are saying one thing and meaning another?

But it is only their word that their body language is saying one thing, while the real language is saying another!

It is nearly impossible for just about anyone unless they are good at reading this (probably mythical) body language.

I went through a phase of getting 'wound up' by a source of irritation I grew to hate at work, and his excuse for doing this was that he 'had a glint' in his eye or had a certain expression on his face. It was utter rubbish; he was a passive-aggressive bully who realised that his delinquent behaviour was tolerated by the management bullies, because it made life difficult for me and they wanted any excuse to get rid of me. He was a shirker and bone idle, but he was a useful idiot for the management vermin.

This is very familiar to me. I think you misunderstood me though, I'm not saying that that sort of thing is ok. If you were offended then it is not ok.

What I mean is that when a person can do this and the other person not get offended, it is due to body language and eye contact.

I have noticed there is a tease in the eyes as well. I have gotten fairly good at good-natured teasing and find I actually make some eye contact to make sure they know I'm teasing.

I can feel it in my eyes and I can't recall learning that manually. But I never did that until high school. I didn't get a somewhat successful sense of humor (though there are still plenty of silent wtf moments) until I was in the middle of high school pretty much. In grade school my humor wasn't funny.