A not-so-typical question about Self-diagnosing

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If you've self-diagnosed yourself, or feel very strongly that you may have Asperger's Syndrome, how sure are you that your self-diagnosis is correct and not a byproduct of misinterpretations, over-reading symptoms, and/or a misleading of self?


That is the basic thesis of this thread, in which I am going to go into not-so-specific detail about my personal experiences...right...about...now. Seriously, it is long, and you have the privilege of selecting certain passages to read. If you enjoy reading...read on. I would appreciate feedback and any kind of criticism. Also, try not to feel insulted if I say things that appear insulting...ha.

Story:

Ok, after suffering from a very bad panic/anxiety attack on new years, I've been overwhelmed by my thoughts once again. I had heard of the Autism Spectra mid-last year (NPR/PBS radio, I believe) and it gave me an enlightened explanation as to why I've acted the way I have. I am not quick to diagnose myself with any disorder or disease, and I refuse to go see a doctor--save for the time I thought I was going crazy, or manic-depressive (I was drinking heavily during that period). The specialist said "Well, good news. You aren't bipolar. You need to cut down on your drinking, however; and perhaps see a therapist." After that event I stopped drinking and I started to get better, so to speak. I never did see the therapist, lol.

A month after speaking with the person (2 years ago I believe), I managed to lose my job for a "lack of focus, being late almost daily, and not being a part of the team." I recalled being in my manager's office laughing while she cried. She pointed it out to me and I couldn't really gather any thoughts as to why I was doing such a thing at a time when a "normal-person" should have taken things differently.

During my newfound free time, I retreated to my thoughts. I've always been lost in myself, so much that I even forget what I'm thinking and I have to re-think my thoughts. I've never been quite sociable, and when I tried I never identified the few whom I hung out with as friends--even if I've known them for years. I would find myself locked in my room just talking to myself because I felt I was the only one who could "understand me" (One of the reasons why I felt I was going crazy, as I've done this all through life). As I told my brother, earlier today for that matter: I've become so engulfed in my thoughts that I've created a deluge around me and drowned everything else. I seriously feel like I'm going to think myself to death.

I am almost sure I've some form of OCD as my thoughts debilitates my daily functions, like school-work, and other tasks; but the crux as to why I might suffer from Autism is due to my many years of being an eccentric. I've faltered in socializing, in fitting in despite the fact that I should be more than fully capable of doing so. I plan out my days, the words I'm going to say, who I am going to say them to, but when I "push-play" my brain speaks but my mouth reacts as a blank tape, one which I've forgotten to record anything on despite the record-button having been pressed. I appear normal, but I've yet to feel that way. I don't even feel I'm average.

My mannerism has been pointed out by "friends": rubbing my forearm during school gatherings, biting my lip, excessive tapping and counting (I must admit this is fun--I'm a musician and I like to keep a mental metronome), raising my voice unnaturally when reciting, a clumsy walk, confusing words (knife instead of fork, he instead of she), bodily shakes/tremors, clearing my throat just in case I need to speak--which I usually don't, and looking "right through them". Simple things like tying my shoes--none of my shoes have shoelaces because of this, handwriting--every year it just gets worse, using kitchen utensils, shopping, has also been picked upon. I am unsure if some of these are regarded as the famous stim you people frequently speak about, but I wasn't aware I did any of them until after the event. I often find myself pacing back and forth just to calm down. I'm surprised I learned how to drive a stick, on my 2nd attempt at that! (I did spend hours reading about it though, and many a days of Gran Turismo )

These are on the extreme side of things, especially when I am put in a situation of stress (I've been known to hold up lines during shopping which just further aggravates my anxiety). I don't rock back-and-forth like a mad-man, nor do I flap my hands around. My legs have a hard time at trying to stop moving when I'm sitting down, and I cannot remain still in a seat unless I'm in a "lazy" position though. I'm not sure if these are true symptoms as I had led myself to believe that my actions, anxiety, even my irrational anger towards my family (I just realized that I've been having meltdowns after further reading about them) and others was due to how I was raised. My parents are very conservative and if you brought any attention to yourself or the family, let alone disrespected it, you would "pay" the consequence. I would constantly get the blame and had to get corrected because of it. This still did not explain why I couldn't connect with others, why I felt outside of myself when I knew that there are countless of people in this world whom I would have no problem connecting with--especially my family, why despite my many attempts I could never say the right things.

So as I've mentioned, I've been reading upon this Asperger's Syndrome and it explains why I've never caught the subtle hints people tell me, even the most blatant. I can spend hours speaking of a certain subject, or even going through loops around different fields. I would give more information than needed. Hell, in class I would get looks because my Professor and I would have long discussions about music of the Orient: Tajiki, Uzbeki, Rajasthani, Arabi, Karnatak, maqaams, ragas, then move on to the Vedas, Upanishads, Gitopanishad, Puranas, the Shashnameh; but ask me what day is today, the date, my age, my family's birthdates, their age, the inquisitor's name, the room number, the class' objective, and I would draw blank. I would become dumb.

As far as I can remember, I never spoke, not because I didn't want to, but because I couldn't get myself to talk. I was thought of as mute, a recluse, even a foreigner. One event was after martial arts class where I was spoken to in a broken foreign language. I understood what he said, something to the equivalent of "many monies" and responded "Uhh...what? Oh this? No, actually that's not true." Astonished, the guy just left. My taste in music, don't get me started as to how much that has brought a shadow upon me. My political and religious views, the determination to follow through with my beliefs and rules, and the need to rationalize actions instead of listening to my emotions has brought confusion and distaste to my nature. My crude taste in jokes and the dry humor in which I present them is the harbinger of arguments and/or breakups. The lack of centralized focus and not facing a person when speaking makes me appear inattentive. I feel like a damned, threatened baboon when a person looks me in the eyes.

My inability, or rather lack of care in small talk, in gossip, in knowing what "Fulan did yesterday" has rendered me an a**hole, a smart-ass, and a person who is a self-absorbed, selfish, narcissistic bastard. I've been called fake, listened to the dreaded "that/this is why people don't like you!" or "I don't even know who you are!" countless times, and still no reason or explanation as to why people don't. I am clumsy when it comes to detecting or showing sarcasm. I've confused situations severely. A statement like "What are you doing here?" will be responded with anxiety. The doubt has even caused me to question every statement for its validity, even if an answer was already given, within a second.

I still have my doubts about this disorder, but what brought me into a semi-accepting state was the lack of empathy and reciprocity. I remember when my 10th grade teacher very enthusiastically said "Hey, good news, we got all our items so you guys can get started now" I could only say "Oh, really? That's good, I guess." When people question how I feel about my mom having cancer I reply "It happens to many families." When asked if I love my half-sister whom I've never met: "I've never met her, how can I possibly love someone whom I've never spoken to?" My brother is the very same manner. He injured himself and said "Oh look, I cut myself." His boss called me, telling me how he was bleeding and needed to get stitches and I say "Oh, ok. I can't talk right now I need to study for an exam." It is very stressful being told I do not care, or that I'm an ass for not sympathizing when the fact is that I am very empathic. I just, at times, find no need to show emotions for something that happens everyday in the world or be dissuaded by irrationality because of social bonds. I do care, but how can I possibly prevent an act of disaster from ocurring, and if such an act is unpreventable, why should I kill myself over it? I wouldn't dare harm another creature, but when an event happens nothing can unchange it..

I've tried countless times to not say the wrong word or not to do the wrong thing. It becomes a horrible feeling when you lead yourself to believe that perhaps it is YOU after all. I am not sure if I am trying to come up with an excuse for my actions, a Münchhausen's for my wrongdoings, but if I am obviously struggling with myself does that not give an insight to there being something wrong? This past year has been probably the most difficult as I actually made a concerted effort to fit in after a year of removing myself from everything and everyone. After making the effort, I was back where I started, despite the fact that I thought I had "changed". I must be honest that the "New Year's Panic Attack" gave me a new insight to myself. It brought everything into full-circle. Shortly afterwards, I experienced something that you can call a depression for a day or two, although I wouldn't call it that, and it made me realize how detached with who I am was. For some reason, the experience made me feel alive.


I guess I'm just asking "Should I have any doubts that I have something wrong with me? Am I subconsciously creating this stress upon me? Have I developed this disorder to prevent myself from being hurt?" There will be no celebration or signs of victory if I'm declared autistic, but I just need peace of mind. Yallah, I love such melodrama.

Use Aspies do tend to self analyze ourselves at times, but then we are often judged wrongly by society.

But to me there is know thing wrong with you, you are who you are and the real problem is the narrow mindedness of others that makes you dough yourself.

I have given up the years of self analyzing, as I will never enjoy small talk or react correctly in other peoples eyes the way I should. But the longer I continue to play the part and pretend for them, the slower the advances of understanding our differences will take.

Emotionally I can seem cold, but I know I'm not - over wise would not have emotional overloads, but thats ok with me now I understand.

Good example of this:
Years ago when I was about 14 my mother tried to kill herself, I was not concerned really at all, more excited to have a ride in a police car. Remembered asking them if I should of been more upset, they just smiled at me. They had no clue, just felt sorry for me. But they were the ones who did not understand me... not really anyway.

But at the end of the day we are who we are, and I truly feel if we and everyone else stops trying to change us, we would all be much happier.

After years of fighting the unknown, at times I feel I have been acting a part in this world, it was like my life was on hold until diagnosed. I have no energy to want to please everyone else anymore, just want to be able to at last be me. At times it can be very lonely and feel quite isolated, but I know opening up to the world and being my true self is the right thing to do.

Well, you sound a lot like me. If you have AS, I don't think your case is a severe one. Mine isn't, either, but even mild AS has a profound impact on one's life. It is possible that you don't have AS and that you are simply thinking yourself to death. I have certainly thought this about myself, and I am not 100% confident in my self-diagnosis. However, what is most important is that you are happy and able to function in the way that you want. If the diagnosis helps you to understand yourself better and to achieve your goals in life better, then I say go with it. I know that my life has improved since I began to view things through the lens of AS. I focus more on my social interactions... it's not that I am that bad socially, but I can be careless sometimes - not paying attention when I should, dominating the conversation, the occasional inappropriate joke, etc. I have realized the importance of routine in my life. If I don't have some sort of routine, goals, a loose schedule, I just fall apart. I have realized how quickly I become attached to things, both good and bad - people, songs, drugs, anything. I form habits very quickly, and although I can usually break them quickly as well, they are overwhelmingly strong. So, I wouldn't worry too much about the diagnosis. Clearly there is a lot going on in your head. Call it OCD, call it AS, call it Overthinking Syndrome (I know I suffer from Overthinking Syndrome) - all that matters it that you recognize the need to monitor your thoughts and behavior in order to lead a happy and productive life.

Sifr,

Some of what you spoke of does sound like it could be AS, other stuff doesn't. I won't venture an opinion. As for me, I have been different ALL MY LIFE! At times it was clear I was the ONLY one like I was.

I LOOK normal. Physically, I started out BETTER(strength/endurance wise). Mentally, in most ways I seemed SMARTER! I was NICER, and altruistic TO A FAULT! I mean TO MY DETRIMENT I was GENEROUS! I promised a lot, and ALWAYS delivered ahead of schedule. Sounds GREAT, HUH? I SHOULD have had LOTS of friends and should have been great at sports. NEITHER was true!

AS explained everything. I found symptoms, checked, and found I had them, even at 9 months. The past few years have been ones of discovery.

"I seriously feel like I'm going to think myself to death."

I know exactly what you mean.

And Gran Turismo is awesome.

Well, thanks in part for answering.


I've always had this thought of not being a part of the group. I would alienate myself even at times when I wanted to join others. I could never explain why. The only useful reason I can see the AS diagnosis would be to better understand myself. I wouldn't like to bother people with the "Help me!" cries that many scream out.


Oddly enough, I've scored very high on many of the online AS quiz/test--my brother as well. I've come to accept that I have OCD, although I'm not extremely OCD where I have to count to ungodly number, lol.


My eldest brother is not there mentally and I'm sure has an IQ of 60 or so. I know he is mentally disabled but my parents never got him diagnosed so I cannot tell what he has and I wont diagnose anyone, lest I do so incorrectly.

Yes, I understand what you mean - "Am I really different or am I just imagining it?"

Well, I have not been formally diagnosed, but it was others who first suggested to me that I had AS, so my differences must be obvious to them & not just to me.

I have been "different" all my life. I know this because:

My peers at school told me so;

Former housemates threw me out because I kept to myself & wouldn't join in with them;

A previous boss told me I had a "personality defect";

The next one complained that I was not "part of the team";

My current colleagues think I am stand-offish & don't talk to them enough;

One of my friends doesn't like the fact that I won't hug him or give him eye contact when we are talking;

People have always called me such things as "open", "direct", "emotionally immature" and "abrupt";

The other week a person I was dealing with said I was "strange" because I "wasn't giving anything back" - in the context, I could only take this as a very unusual explicit acknowledgement of the fact that I was not giving out the right non-verbal signals!! !

All this is in addition to my strange interests, compulsive collecting, high IQ but complete lack of common sense, executive dysfunction and of course my stimming which is the real giveaway.