Aspergers Syndrome, Relationships and Love

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I found this quite an interesting insight into Aspie relationships and feel so often our biggest problems derives from the miss interpretation from the NT world, not allowing us to be who we are and this can suffocate our true feelings...

http://asplanet.info/forum/index.php?to ... 02#msg1502

Last edited by asplanet on 17 Jan 2008, 4:25 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Don't like it. The solution it gives is basically to concentrate on my interests and not try to find a partner because happiness that way is nearly impossible. Sort out my serotonin levels and don't think about it.

The impression I get from reading these forums is that, whilst some of us do not like/seek out company at all, plenty of us do if it is with a person we're happy with, and we are frustrated that our social skills hold us back from doing that. I don't think the only reason we want relationships is social pressure, which this article seems to be saying.

I completely agree. I don't give a damn about social pressure for having a gf, but that doesn't mean I'd rather be single. When I was in a relationship, it was because I loved the girl, not because of what others would say.

I didn't think that was what the article was saying at all. I think that it was trying to say that AS people tend to find other things to fill the voids where NTs put people. Perhaps saying that we don't NEED social connections is a little harsh. Maybe the more appropriate way of saying it would have been that we don't often actively seek those connections out. We don't have the obscene NT need to be one in a herd of sheeple.

I think some of the things in the article are valid. Just not worded really well.

I don't know where the hell they got their #'s..... "80% never form a long term relationship or marry".... Almost every Aspie I've ever KNOWN was either married or in a long term relationship at SOME point. Where are these mysterious "80%" hiding? In fact, just about every FEMALE Aspie I've known was not only married, but several times.... LOL I don't think we form good long term romantic relationships with NT's, that's true. With other Aspie's, I don't think that is valid. If none of us ever formed long term relationship where the hell are all these Aspie KIDS coming from???

I agree the figures seem a little out, but maybe there is a poiunt on us forming and keeping long term relationships, maybe this is because we have had to live up to NT unreasonable expectations.
Maybe that needs to change!

Yes, it would have been nice if he'd given some idea of where he got this figure from. The way it is, it sounds like he met five people with aspergers syndrome, and four of them said they hadn't had relationships.

Iinever really thought aspies don't love, it's just they love themselves so much than they don't really sees the necessity to be wiht someone else if it is not for sex .

Maybe being an Aspie in New Zealand just sucks.....

After living in the UK for most of my life, I can truly say New Zealand is one of the most amazing places I have ever lived and feel a great place for Aspies as have the space to be able to be yourselves...

I can only speak from my experience, but from my experience she's an idiot who is only trying to understand it from her own NT point of view. It's like trying to speculate about alien life that is not humanlike at all. She can't do it. She's too confined within her own reality.

You can form a relationship. It's utter bs that you can't. I never thought I'd be interested in one and in fact I was "forced" into dating by well-meaning NT roommates and friends, but it did happen. It just did not happen in an NT way. I did have immediate physical attraction, but not an emotional connection at first. I did like him because he was intellectual, interesting and liked to do so many of the things I liked to do. We had a big mental and physical relationship at first. That's very un-NT like. NTs generally don't get to know very much about each other when dating and don't think about dating the way an Aspie does. We're much more pragmatic. They are swept away in emotions and idealized dreams of what it's supposed to be like. We're more about do we have common interests, are we attracted and can we even live together on a practical level. (At least this is what I've seen and again, this is just from my own experience.) NTs usually think about that long after they're married and usually when they are heading for disaster because they can't change this person into who they want. (Although I will say the NT males I've met are much closer to the Aspies I know in this regard.) Still, my NT husband is very NT and I'm pretty extreme Aspie, but he's also very analytical and intellectual and very OCD. That's why we click. On so many levels we want the same things. He's also strong enough to socialize on his own and not whine about it like so many NT women (and some men) who can't fathom the notion of doing anything without the other. As an Aspie you need to stay far away from that because unless you are good at socializing, you are either going to be miserable or overly dependent on them socializing for you. Neither of those will work over time.

Here's what I found. It took me about three years of living with him and being married to him to feel what NTs call love. I was slow to come to that and it happened on an intellectual level and not on an emotional one. In other words, intellectually I was so happy with him and I felt so safe being who I was with him that it gave me really good feelings (all of the things she talks about in Oxytocin and Vasopressin) and actually did imprint him into my life. It's exactly what she describes in the second part, it just came from a different place than it does for NTs. He did the Dopamine, Oxytocin, Vasopressin route like a normal NT. He definitely did the whole infatuation and falling in love business. I was much more hesitant. The most I understood at the beginning was that I didn't want to be away from him. But, I definitely went into the second part and stayed there. We're very bonded and the idea of a NT woman is abhorrent to him. That's because of who he is as a person, not as NT.

So forget all this nonsense she says. She isn't Aspie and she can't look at it that way from where she's sitting. She doesn't understand enough because she keeps trying to understand it in NT terms. That won't work. You are not going to come at it that way. Look for someone you can actually click with and live with. Look for the intellectual and interesting person who physically attracts you. Hang out with people who are interested in what you are interested in.

Honestly, 50% of NT marriages fail so they don't know that much themselves although they like to pretend they do. That's hardly a recommendation. Look for what pleases you and quit trying to find things the NT way. You aren't NT. You can fake it but why bother, you'll only end up at the end of your life knowing you faked everything and were never what you really wanted to be. Marriage is a long term deal and you better actually like that person more than anyone if you have any hope of it surviving. That's true of NTs as well and they might have a higher success rate if they actually understood that.

I'll second that. New Zealand is a wonderful country for Aspies, not too crowded with plenty of laid back genuine people. I also lived in the UK most of my life and moved back here eight years ago. I would never live anywhere else now and I have travelled quite a bit.

Even having purple hair here is easier. Now I get compliments, in the UK people looked at me like I offended them for looking different and pulled the sucky lemon face as I call it. Kiwis just aren't as uptight about stuff like that and you meet far less aholes on a day to day basis, as long as you avoid the JAFAs in the pubs at the Viaduct. Just Another Friendly Aucklander .

As for relationships I was married in 2000 to an aspie, and we are still as happy together as when we first met. We communicate and collaborate far more than most couples and even run a business together. People used to ask how can you live and work together without killing each other? It's simple. He's my best friend and we each have our own playroom to hang in when we need some space.

It's lack of space and privacy that has always caused issues with NT boyfriends, or the need to be out and around people constantly. It's like being a cat trying to live with a dog. They just didn't get the fact that I need alone time and got offended and accused me of saying something was wrong with them. Erm No - I just don't want to be around anybody right now, but when I do you'll be the first to know.

Last edited by MsBehaviour on 17 Jan 2008, 6:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.

i know one thing. i am going to make a hippy girl very proud of going out with me,

asplanet wrote:

I was referring to the researcher being in NZ and saying "80% of people with Asperger's never marry or have a long term relationship"... which may be a paraphrase, I don't think I quoted it exactly. In America, as screwy as this place is, I'd be surprised if that figure isn't more like 20%-30% at most... possibly MUCH less. If the data set was correct, I don't think I'd want to take a shot at 1 in 5 odds...

According to that article an aspie can only get married to a very understanding NT.
So I guess all of those of us in relationships with other aspies must be doing something extremely wrong. We best break up right now. We must be quite foolish to have actually considered dating another aspie, huh?

Damn and I've been married to my Aspie wife as her Aspie husband for 20 years...