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SteelMaiden
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20 Mar 2015, 4:11 pm

Sorry for this miserable post but I'm facing 84 hours of being unable to leave the house, and this is a normal thing for me. This summer I could be spending much longer at a time metaphorically locked in the house. It hurts.

I'm fed up with my autism and other neurological conditions. And OCD sucks too.

I am a prisoner in my house except when the taxi takes me to university or when a support worker can take me out. Because I cannot safely cross roads. I am known to run into roads hoping I won't get hit, because my brain doesn't process the cars properly and I get extremely confused. I have been hit a few times before.

I want to be able to do full-time study. I don't want any more friends than the few I have (they respect my severe difficulties in socialising). But I want a job and I want to be able to travel on public transport and go places without having a meltdown or getting arrested by the police under section 136 of the Mental Health Act. I'm fed up with bloody meltdowns altogether.

Does anyone else feel fed up with their autism? Or is the majority of WP proud of their autism? I see some posts saying that Asperger's is a benefit, although I have classic autism, not AS, I wish I could like my autism. That would be great.

Sorry this is miserable but I am miserable.


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emax10000
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20 Mar 2015, 4:13 pm

I have been fed up with it since I was 8 years old and am turning 30 now, so ...



kraftiekortie
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20 Mar 2015, 5:18 pm

I don't blame you, Steel Maiden.

I'd be fed up, too, if I were in your situation.

If you lived in the US, you'd probably do better with crossing the street (road in England). In England, especially in the cities, the roads are curvy. Here, they are usually straight.

I think you are inspired to improve your situation--that's a good first step. I wish I could come up with the means for your situation to improve immediately.

This is true: most people improve in some way as they get older.



SteelMaiden
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20 Mar 2015, 5:20 pm

Thanks. I'm going to follow up my referral on the neurophthamologist so I can try and get my vision sorted or at least something done about it. Stupid curvy roads in the UK lol.

I want to succeed. Really I do.


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kraftiekortie
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20 Mar 2015, 5:23 pm

I know you do.

In my experience, whenever it seems as if everything is failing, something positive always arises which gives me hope.

I'm sure you will experience this, too--especially if you work hard for it.



SteelMaiden
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20 Mar 2015, 5:25 pm

Thanks. I'll use my logic and intellectual abilities to work a solution out.


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UNWORTHY
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20 Mar 2015, 5:25 pm

As for me. life never has been worth it & it never will be worth it. Unfortunately, there's nothing left to do but suffer loneliness. That is suffer until I'm lucky enough to find a functional & fully (or partially) loaded shotgun, then then suffering can stop, forever, the world will be much better off when I find that shotgun, I just hope that 1 shot is all that it will take.



SteelMaiden
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20 Mar 2015, 5:26 pm

Why never?


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UNWORTHY
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20 Mar 2015, 5:33 pm

Darkness, despair, it,s everywhere, & it never stops, I hope I find it soon, i wouldn't expect even 1 person to grieve, or show respect, because i don't deserve it, never have deserved anything good, & I never will.



kraftiekortie
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20 Mar 2015, 5:33 pm

In addition to your logical and intellectual abilities, I also believe you need to have a strong determination to succeed, combined with confidence that you will, eventually, succeed--even if you don't succeed at first.

You should really determine the situation where you feel you will have a meltdown. And try to head it off in some way. I wish your dad could build you that "squeeze machine."---but he won't. A large punching bag which comes back to you would be good, too. Just punch it when you're angry. Even envision the person whom you're angry at (at that moment).



UNWORTHY
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20 Mar 2015, 5:36 pm

Talk about bad luck, I found the Shotgun, but no shells, I'll fix that problem asap.



SteelMaiden
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20 Mar 2015, 5:37 pm

Unworthy, do you suffer from depression? Don't shoot yourself. Please.

Kraftiekortie - thanks. To be honest every morning I wake up feeling optimistic, even if it doesn't last the day, every morning is the beginning of a new day. A squeeze machine would be great. I sometimes crawl under the mattress in the main bedroom and squish myself. That feels good but I worry about breaking the beams on the bed. I have a weighted blanket and a "hiding corner" underneath my huge desk where it's dark - I put pillows and a soft blanket on the floor there, good to escape to. I need to do that more. I asked my dad about a punchbag and he said there's no room in the house. I'm thinking of selling the piano and making more room lol. I hate playing the piano.


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kraftiekortie
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20 Mar 2015, 5:38 pm

I'm not sure of this---but the other poster might not be sincere in what he says.

I'm pretty sure you're interested in medical things.

Have you read much of Gray's Anatomy? (I don't mean the TV show!)



Last edited by kraftiekortie on 20 Mar 2015, 5:40 pm, edited 1 time in total.

ConceptuallyCurious
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20 Mar 2015, 5:40 pm

Not always, although I do worry that (if I do have it) it will mean I can never do what I truly want as a career - be a clinical psychologist.

In the past, my social and rigidity problems have got mixed up with other mental health problems and the result was that I became so locked into myself and stuck in routines that I was much to distressed to enjoy life.



SteelMaiden
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20 Mar 2015, 5:40 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
I'm not sure of this---but the other poster might not be sincere in what he says.


I don't understand phrases and expressions that don't mean what they say on the screen. I don't know what to say or do.


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I am a partially verbal classic autistic. I am a pharmacology student with full time support.