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I coach a young lad who plays for my U13s Rugby League team who has Aspergers, He sometimes does not turn up for training and doesnt phone me to let me know. I have a rule that if you are absent from training without phoning to let me know then you don't get picked for the next two games.Am I being too hard on him and is his Aspergers anything to do with him not turning up now and again?

My first thought is to make certain he knows the rule, knows exactly what it means and knows why the rule exists.

It's very hard to say.

I know I find it next to impossible to contact people if I am not feeling OK. So I have had sick days from work in the past when I could not make the phone call in that I was unable to work. He may be similar.

In my case, this is more to do with anxiety disorder than Asperger's itself, though my anxiety disorder is very closely linked to my Dyspraxia / Asperger's.

If he understands the rules, I think it is fair enough to not pick him to play for two weeks. This reinforces the understanding that to not follow the rule (to phone in) has consequences. It is not as though you are kicking him off the team!

It may be worth talking to his parents though, if you can, as he may hate to use the phone. Maybe if he can't make it in future, a parent could call you on his behalf.

Best wishes

Robin

Applying the rule would be fair. It could be a hard lesson, but he should understand it.

It would be fair however, to tell him why the rule exists and ask him if an alternative way of contacting would be more comfortable for him (like email)

How are his teammates treating him? Is he the brunt of any jokes? Unchecked by you, this might make a person WANT to initiate the punishment that makes it all cease ie: 3 sessions off for instance. Time to heal.

You should talk to him though and explain the rule and let him know you need him there.

I had a coach who liked to spout whatever came to his head in front of the group. Being the recipient of this without a discernable just cause just damaged my self esteem, though peaked his

It is nice that you are asking. Just take a look at things. What is going on with him. Is something going on in the background. Maybe he's been raped-who knows. It could be anything. True though you are the responsible party in his atmosphere concerning anything sports and he takes his teamship home. It's your right to know if he is ok. Call and ask him-what is going on.

Sometimes I wouldn't show up for something because the anticipation was causing me too much anxiety. The anxiety usually leaves as soon as I show up for what I was supposed to be doing but the relief about just staying away is so tempting.

Then, of course, I am mad at myself for being flakey so the anticipation gets worse because of the trouble I caused for myself and others.

I helped a kid on the spectrum once when her father asked me what he should know about his daughter. I told him that anticipation was a killer for me and my autism spectrum kids. He helped her work through it.

I have great difficulty with this, but have never been able to put it into accurate words!

This is one thing that trips off panic attacks for me.

Thankyou!

Robin

He doesnt seem nervous about phoning me as he often phones to check where we are playing or what time we are meeting.He gets on well with the other players apart from the odd time when he can't tell if somebody is trying to pick a fight with him or just having a friendly joke.He's a good lad who is very honest with me, he sometimes turns up late and I have asked him if his Aspergers is to blame and he admits it isnt but he also admits it is his aspergers when he sometimes confronts people and almost gets into a fight.I do show more patience with him than the other lads but I don't want them to notice in case they dont think i am being fair as I havent told none of the lads about his aspergers (should I?)

that would be a horrible thing to walk into if you don't talk to him first, and make sure he understands that if he says 'no,' you will respect that opinion. otherwise he might just quit altogether. plus, if the players all seem to tolerate him without much difficulty, it doesn't seem like the issue should be made public. especially if no one has complained yet.

I would never tell any of the players without asking the lad first, I have explained to a couple of parents about his aspergers because thay noticed I was more tolerant of his behaviour and wondered why I was being more leniant towards him. I do not want to punish him for something if it is not his fault.

I don't think you're being too hard on him. I don't think Asperger's syndrome can account for him not showing up every now and again.

I dunno. I had issues with going to practice when I was a kid. I didn't like the idea of going from home (safe) to practice (open field and lots of people). That said, the other players -were- very mean to me. But it's a continuing theme that if I go home after being somewhere, I am not particularly inclined to leave the house again, even if I know that once I get there, I'll be fine.

I think that he might also be afraid to talk on the phone, as well.

Well, I can't speak for anyone here, but I hate phones. They're just... ugh. I'm okay with cellphones but normal phones are just noisy and its annoying to speak through them and gah.

True, I used to play junior leage baseball, and I really felt weird going to practice so much that I didn't want to attend at times. I disliked the uniform, uncomfortable. I disliked my teamates, even the coaches. On the field however, I would drone out everything. I never actually played, though I do recall hitting one base and causing an RBI.

I don't think you're being too hard on him. However, I do think his asperger's might have something to do with him missing practice and not using the phone (especially the phone part). I have asperger's and I hate the phone. I do use the phone sometimes to call my parents or friends that I need to make plans with. I avoid it as much as possible though and try to only use text messages. Now, I am 24 years old and when I am going to be late for work, which is frequently because I have a really hard time getting places on time, I don't call. I just show up late. Lucky for me I am in a volunteer service organization and my employers don't mind too much when I am late. My point is he may be able to use the phone to call and ask where you're playing, but have anxiety about calling and saying he isn't coming to practice. I think you should ask him about it and make sure he understands why it's important that he call. I've lost a few jobs over that same behavior.

As far as telling other players... only if necessary. I never told any of my teammates when I played rugby. They attributed my fighting to just being very, very competitive. This made them love me being on their team even more.

I respect you for taking such consideration with this guy.