Saddness and Ghostieness ever present
12 Sep 2005, 11:42 pm
The signs of lack of motivation, decay and decline are obvious. As much as barbra has confidence in the result, and Tom(Job resource finder) is not sure what to do, and I want the DX, and lack of confidence on the services, the road of departure is clear and near.
here are some of the clues:
In Sunnyvale, going miles to a movie is why i moved to S.F. I have to walk what seems like a hour to the laundry matt and spend a hour to go to Panara Bread. This is like the porch in Sunnyvale.
Panara Bread does nothing for me but provide free Wifi and get me out of the house. I don't count Barnes and Nobles since they don't have free wifi. Other wise it is me an my room, and my computer.
The other thing is being stranded in Apple Valley. Barbra tries to exude the point that there is some bus service. But when I walk almost what seems like a hour to even do laundry, or go to bread store, and that is in good weather, it is making this DX and
see what is the reality of services my final act.
I am without a mode of communication with others. I am highly jeolous that they laugh, argue and so forth, and all i can do is harbour myself in the room, and realize that I have to hide of which is a bad emotional recipe. i get venomous and then go into a mad flight to escape.
It is a hour+ to Denny's and I am 1/2 tempted in doing this every night. Like for example when I finish the laundry and drop it off, walk that hour and go. I have no escape distance in other words. I could try AppleBee's but that isn't the same. I have negative feelings, not neutral feeling towards that Rosemount location. This is where the survey flaw came to light regardless of it on paper or on a computer screen.
I am emotional about this, thus complicate myself. A basic part-time food job would keep me afloat, but that is all.
$200 rent upon finding a job (good until the end of winter, thus this will not house me
in confidnce. I am insecure inside thus outside falls into suit. and I don't have faith in the bus services, ect to exude confidence here in Apple Valley.)
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occupied, but freezing. I really don't know what to do. I wait for the DX paperwork, and and see what is a reality.
Sad!
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I left the house by 7:20pm. I arrived to the Caribou Coffeeshop by 7:50pm. I arrive at the AppleBee restraunt and bar by 8pm. I am writing this by 8:10pm.
What I have been doing to keep occupied night or 12am to 4am for the last 2 nights is talking with Pryaxis, my sole comfort and voice of confidence. and Seeking out compensating oldtime radio show in MP3 form for the lack of a collection that is in S.F.
So far I have found errie ones that I hope I can transfer to a 2 gig SD stick. This includes all Harry Potter video's made by fans who put theme music to the mood of the
video. That is why I listen and view them, my mood food. So far it is at 1.68 gigs worth.
I will fill in gaps with episodes that are on www.Radiolovers .com. They have other
episodes that "Old Time Radio at the Monster Club" don't have in their limited 45 MP3 collection that is downloadable.
Now I sit here the last 4 day's deliberately watching H.P video's so I be distracted. This is a bad phase, one that says i am lost.
I did get a call from Tom Andrews to whom is the job seeker. My cell was running out of minutes and J didn't get off the phone.
Now I have to wait until Friday for a meaningful phone. If this ruins the DX'ing because of J'x\s phone call then i am gone from here. I had no way of accessing this call and
getting the number and will have to wait until friday to see if this endangered my chances of a DX. Then all purpose is 80% gone.
I wanted to tell this to Barbra, but she had kids things to do, and thus I now I will not tell her tonight. I am becoming a ghost here.
I should explain the phone card minutes, but even she say's that she has no time for me, and will have less. Thus I naturally become ghostier. I don't really blame her for doing this, I am not her responsiblity, and she has been good to me.
I don't starve, have a room, and when my 10gig drive died had it replaced immediatley. She is stretched with other things and I feel wrong being a further burden.
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If I get the DX and leave, I have successfully completed a goal. First was awareness of autism, 2nd was a bleeding out the emotions of years gone by. 3rd was the road trip
to make visual notes and fullfill a road trip so my life can start over. 4th is a official DX so I can return to S.F with a sense of something accomplished.
The fact is this place called Apple Valley is too vast and distant, just like Fremont.. I can also compare it to S.F. So when I arrive to S.F i will arrive better off when I left.
I will be homeless, but as I get ghostier here, that is were I am emotionally right now, and the shell only matches the interior.
(hoping that I can get results from the resource center). if not, end of illusion, and a DX to boot.)
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them to my S.F collection.
This is impressive. Why? Because the collection I have at Barbra's is not related in any way or form to the S.F collection. The number of 10¢ Kid Colt, even not expanded is impressive. Most came from the road trip. the Gold Keys came from here, Apple Valley.
S.F Collection:
#9 Kid Colt $29-10¢ cover ©50'
#13 Kid Colt $25-10¢ cover ©51'
#?95-101?-10¢ coverless ©61'
#106 Kid Colt $5-All the rest 12¢ covers ©62'
#109 Kid Colt $5
#111 Kid Colt $5
#113 Kid Colt $5
#117 Kid Colt $5
#12-? Kid Colt $5
#131 Kid Colt $5
#137 Kid Colt $5 ©68'
#218 kid Colt $1-30¢ cover ©77'
Apple valley Collection:
#22 Kid Colt $25-10¢ cover ©52'
#46 Kid Colt $7-10¢ cover ©54'
#65 Kid Colt $18-10¢ cover ©56'
#94 Kid Colt $7-10¢ cover ©60'
#131 Kid Colt $5-12¢ cover ©66'
#133 kid Colt $5-12¢ cover ©67'
I have added another Abbot & Costello 10¢ cover, and a few other goodies from Dell in the 50's.
This is the best summary of my finds on my 45 day journey. I did spend 7 days unofficially in Reno, and 7 days house sitting. So it really began June 24th and my 45 day pass was bought on 7/9. Otherwise i learned to break the labeling habit. I seen enough differences in myself and in others.
I took a chance by letting my pass run out, and from the Rosemount experiment i found a kink that required a Autism DX. That is why I am sticking this out until the DX. The jewerly thing is just for fun. It is aclass in October and allows up to 4 pieces made. It will be held at a Middle School at night?
My clothing is still sparse, as I don't trust housing and that isn't where I have been. I thought that 5 years in S.F got me out of this mode.
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The difficulty is that I am aware of the distance in travel and the further unreliability to leave Apple Valley with it's current transportation called buses. Regardless of what
car people say(Barb, LBlouis, ect...) I lived in Fremont and the bus system is the same, except the snow part. It is hard for one to see this obstacle in a car perspective.
Non survey'd jobs are limited for my taste and don't validate $6 per hour that a job will pay. The cost or the bus and being stranded in god's-knows-where is not appealing for $6per hour.
This is why I don't live in Santa Clare, Calif, nor Fremont or Sunnyvale, California. I am a candidate for can collecting already, so let's keep my health as good as possible.
$200 in SSI at 62 is all that is obvious now, so my health is priceless, and snow is not worth it nor is leaving one place to another for $6 per hour. I left Quizno's for that reason($8.62 per hour and walking distance.)
The autism meeting don't do it. They are limited and my life doesn't stop for once a month meetings. My emotions arent' based on a once a month meter.
I am giving a limited posting at WrongPlanet, since that isn't helping much beyond basic 10% autisic needs. Venomous stays venoumous with or without wrongplanets Pg13 direction. So it is just let the 10% serve it's purpose as my thoughts and feelings furher decay and the ghost I was becomes more physically apparent. That is why this
is being posted, a 10% need otherwise I wouldn't post it.
I am ghost in life, and death, so much the cycle be? At least with a DX and some 10¢ Kid Colts, something got achieve indirectly.
I also lack confidence in myself and don't see asking help from others since I don't see myself better off. My only hope is the DX and job placement in the Resource agency.
All I know is BArbra is doing her best to make me comfortable, and makes sure I don't starve, and have a private space.
You folks at wrongplanet are good to me, but my writing is limited to you folk except for the 10% of autism posts due to PG13 doesn't allow me happy expression. It is the PG17 that allows free flow expression. It is a shame, but ghost I become to myself and where I live, and my hopes and dreams, as well as to those i would love to post to.
Here's to the 10%, DX, and Death! As I write this there was a flash flood, and as I
was walking, I was beconing "bring forth your worst, at least I can feel soemthing beyond
death and silence."
13 Sep 2005, 9:42 am
GH,
I'm sorry this is not working out and that John's school's open house was last night so we didn't have a chance to talk.
I'm not sure that my reality matchs yours. You have a job guy who, after not reaching you on your phone, called mine as it is your emergency or secondary number. He said he was sure he could get you a better job than you had ever had before. You have a social worker who is moving too fast (per you) on long term goals such as stable subisized housing and financing college for you. You are signed up for a silversmithing class to learn a new hobby.
I hear that you are very, very lonely.
What can we do to address that? None of the ideas I or others have had, have been enough. I worry that you are waiting for **one** situation or person to meet all your needs. Thats not going to happen. Everyone needs a WIDE support net.
What can we do to make you happy?
If that means going back to SF, you know I'd help you do that. I just think you would be just as lonely there. Plus, the social services just aren't there.
GH,
You have to decide what you need. You have a ton of people who care about you and will try to make it happen.
BeeBee
13 Sep 2005, 10:48 am
GH,
After reading yours and BeeBee's versions of events, I would like to add my 2 cents here:
a) From what BeeBee states, Social Services in MN is trying its best to assist you. You may think that they are moving too fast but that is because your situation probably warrants the speed (trust me, there are parents here in Olmsted county that have argued with Social Services for years to get services). You should consider yourself lucky. In the eyes of social services, you are a homeless person without income who has been ignored for years. You have fallen through the cracks probably since childhood and now, someone is finally bringing out the net to catch you. Let them help you.
b) Tranportation - If that is a big issue, a way will be found to get around it. There are services here in Rochester such as ZIPS or R&S Transit that work with people who need the services. I am sure there are services like that in Apple Valley too (and if there are not, I will draw up the business plan and BeeBee can assist in obtaining financing because this would be a great business opportunity).
c) Community - I think you have given Minnesota too little time. 1 - 2 months is not a long enough time to get to know people and do things. I have lived in Rochester for 5 years now (moved in 1 Sep 2000). I am now just starting to talk to people regularly at my complex (and the people I do talk to have been here as long as I have). I have also gotten into community activities. This includes Toastmasters, FHC Volunteer, Church member as well as some duties, and scouting (although that is in Wisconsin, I have made a name for myself there too). Simply put, it takes time and for those on the spectrum, it takes even more time. I still do many activities by myself, but mostly to regenerate and relax. Sounds like Social Services are getting you into a hobby as welll which I think will help the lonliness. The community is more than just Panera Bread or the Laundry Mat. You are part of the AuSM support group (and if your issues are really TBI, I would think that there is a group for that too).
If you want to go back to SF, I will respect that decision. I think though that California has let you down completely and that Minnesota is trying to correct 40 years of neglect because of it. Things do not happen overnight but they cannot happen at the snap of a finger too. I would like you to stay and I think you have a chance here in MN. If I did not think that MN was helpful, I would have returned to NY where my mother lives in a heartbeat. I do not think that and that is why I stay. I would like you to at least give MN a year (until August 2006) and if things are the same as they were in CA, then make your decision at that point. I would almost bet that things will not be the same.
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Louis J Bouchard
Rochester Minnesota
"Only when all those who surround you are different, do you truly belong."
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Fred Tate Little Man Tate
