Losing yourself.

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I know something inside me is missing. I can't quite put my finger on when it happened, or exactly what it is that's gone, but it is. I'm going to assume that it happened gradually. I know that there seems to be a direct correlation between my ability to socialize "properly" and that part of me that went missing.

These days I'm not as focused on socialization. I don't have kids in school to keep up with, I have a kid of my own to keep up with. I have a job that doesn't require people skills. I've also realized that most of the time I'm content with not really having friends. I can make phone calls more easily, deal with cashiers/sales people, make appointments and deal with professionals. I'm never truly comfortable but I can walk the walk and talk the talk to the point where I'm not paranoid about everyone noticing what I notice [the fact that I'm a total weirdo].

At first it always felt like an act. Now I feel like I'm just living the act.

Sometimes I feel like my only two choices in life were to cut myself off and socialize only when necessary (while being horribly frightened) in order to keep myself. Or try my best to function like everyone else, only to find that with that kind of life there is rarely time to be yourself.

S***, who am I even? Seriously. Does the fact that I've done this to myself in the first place tell all you need to know?

I used to watch other people interacting in social situations. I remember always pointing out in my head how agreeable they seemed with everyone, how they seemed to morph into someone else depending on which type of person they were talking to. I noticed that everyone seemed fake and boring. Stupid, even.

Now when I watch those same people, I see me. I see someone who adapts to their surroundings. I see someone with the idea that in order to survive, you must adapt, even when socializing. I see fake smiles and laughs, feigned empathy. I see someone who hides core parts of who they are depending on the general consensus of the current peer group. I see a horribly watered down version of who I really am.

This was more like a blog entry than a forum post and for that I apologize.

But I still pose the question: Is this my only option?

This may not be your only option but, it is probably the best one. If you want to survive and prosper in a NT world, you must take on NT properties. It's just easier that way.

I particularly liked where you mentioned "morphing". I find myself doing this sometimes, especially with people I know. Its almost as if I am seeking approval from each person I encounter. Even talking with people I don't know, I find myself seeking traits or qualities, that I can relate to. I hate knowing that, I am "performing" for everyone but, my desire for acceptance over-rules. I think it's just our survival mode kicking in. In order to conform, in a NT world, we must take-on some NT qualities. That is our reality.

I think you've nailed the basic truth of human survival. You have to adapt and 'fit in' in order to get by. I feel a similar depression and cynicism to you with regards to this; everything seems fake and superficial and you just want to relax and be yourself. But you just can't. NTs dislike the fake social game too. It's a big s**t sandwich and everyone has to take a bite.