The ball is rolling... but I feel a little strange

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I got a letter off my GP this morning to say they have been in touch with a local adult mental health place about having me referred for tests. I know that an official diagnosis wont change anything but personally I feel uncomfortable self-diagnosing myself and I really need to know for definite if my/my parents suspicions are correct. But I feel strange about it at the same time, like people will think I am attention seeking because as it is I can live a 'normal' life I just feel constantly uncomfortable and strange but to outsiders its probably not apparent (unless I'm put in a social situation and then its completely apparent) Did anyone else feel this way?

I would try and see an autism authority if that is what you suspect

Here in NZ we go to autismnz

That mental health unit may be deficient in aspergers syndrome awareness.....

Yes. Unfortunately it's been my experience that no one takes you seriously if you self-diagnose; plus I would really feel better with the confirmation of a professional diagnosis. I'm in the midst of the process now. I sometimes feel a little odd about it, I know my difficulties arn't as great as some other people's. But they are enough to have a negative impact on my life, and if I can do something to make them more managable, then I want to do it, because I really want to be as successful in my life and career as I can. I am hoping that getting a diagnosis will help give me some added direction, point the way to the most effective tools to help me, and allow for some accomodations at college. I hate the idea of taking the accommodations, but I'm really beginning to feel like I need them and it's kind of dumb to struggle when I might be able to get some help. Life is hard enough. But it's really hard for me to ask for any kind of help with anything, so talking to therapists, or asking for accommodations is a big challenge for me. The few people I have told about my suspicion that I have AS have said that they are surprised, yes, I am a little different, but they wouldn't have thought AS. Of course a) they don't know me that well (because no one does); and b)they know nothing about AS. The one exception is a woman I work with whose son has AS. She has been very supportive. She is also the closest thing I have had to a real friend in a long time.

I may or may not yet be near pursuing evaluation. My situation is complicated by the fact that I'm middle-aged, on Medical Assistance (USA) and disability (not explicitly for A.S., but a couple other things), and financially have to live with my parents for the time being. I've read that the profession seems biased against adults who got through childhoods without raising the A.S. or Autism 'red flag,' whatever their circumstances way back then. I'm also not sure that M.A. will cover, for an adult, what I've read is an expensive process. Finally, I could see how pursuing, or receiving, an evaluation (and a Second Opinion if necessary), could make my already-awkward living situation much more so, especially if they think it's "their fault" genetically or behaviorally! (The truth is, I strongly suspect my mother and one of my brothers have AS, though in different ways or degrees than me. Also, my father's sister is MR.)

Nevertheless, from what I read, it's possible that AS explains nearly all my life's problems, as well as some of my lifelong strengths. And I increasingly believe that knowing, or having the backup of medical opinion, could be useful as I continue in psychotherapy as well as even Eastern Orthodox Christian spiritual/moral/pastoral guidance, and other things. Considering whether I should have children? raise children? get married at all? Consider becoming a monk and/or priest? 'Why do I feel "uncomfortable and strange" around most people, as you put it?' ISTM knowing could head-off years of futile or frustrating attempts at helping the situation, merely the "symptoms," or at least accompany them with a grain of salt if therapies disappoint. For example, NT depression often responds to one or both of medication and talk-therapy. But if my depression is related to an undiagnosed, doubted, but present, underlying Autistic Spectrum Description, knowing could inform how we approach it, or don't approach it. My IBS? My social awkwardness/"invisibility"? My religiosity? My bookishness? My tactile hypersensitivity? My constantly being misunderstood/ignored? etc etc etc.

I'd encourage you to continue with the evaluation, I guess is what I'm saying. Might even nudge myself in that direction too!

Good luck!

---Pete