Why Did Meltdowns Turn Into Shutdowns?

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Mountain Goat
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07 Aug 2019, 4:52 am

I recognised recently that the events I get which I call shutdowns should be meltdowns, but I had previously recognised that when I was very young I used to have frustration type tempers... And two things happened which turned things inward. One is that at home my Dad (Who could suddenly go into a temper but it was due to his upbringing where he had fits as a child, and the doctor told his parents to go easy with him and they took it literally and never disciplined him)... My Dad was keen to discipline me as he loved me and didn't want me to end up with tempers. Also when I was 5 years old, for the whole year I was severly punished and disciplined where if I spoke I would be told off, as the teacher had had a dissagreement with my Mum and she took it out on me. Most of the year I was put in a room on my own, but when the teacher realized this... (And also I accidently broke a glass jar) She had me back in the class but I had to stand in the corner for the day and not say a word or I would be smacked etc...
So these two aspects turned any possible meltdown situations inward and from then on I was having shutdowns.
When I get them I have a build up of stress and oressure, but instead of it coming into an outward form, it is all bottled up inside and turns into a shutdown. I cojld never describe my inner feelings so I found that I was never able to describe them to doctors. I couldn't work myself out so how could I share my thoughts and feelings?

If anything, this site has been the most amazing therapy for me in that I have started to explore my inner most being... My thoughts and feelings... I have never done this before. I believe there maybe lots more to go, so please have patience with me and understand that there is a lot more going on then just writing posts.

But to conclude, I am learning a lot about myself and have come forward in leaps and bounds. I never would have thought I am where I am now, and I am making sense of things.


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TimS1980
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07 Aug 2019, 7:14 am

This is fully consistent with my experience.

As a younger kids I had meltdowns.

As time went on, these turned inward and became shutdowns.



magz
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07 Aug 2019, 7:37 am

Yes, I also used to have meltdowns as a kid - more "girly" style, mostly hysterical crying. It was met mostly with contempt, sometimes with agression (esp. my mother's), sometimes with kind of a noisy commotion of well-meaning strangers. Diverse but all unpleasant.
I learned to "control" my meltdowns to avoid it at an expense of my mental health.
My shutdowns are usually partial and for long time I didn't understand why my intellectual abilities were so violently fluctuating.


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SharonB
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07 Aug 2019, 9:04 am

Mountain Goat wrote:
this site has been the most amazing therapy for me in that I have started to explore my inner most being... My thoughts and feelings... I have never done this before.


That is so fabulous! Keep up the freeing work!



kraftiekortie
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07 Aug 2019, 9:06 am

I would have "shutdowns" to prevent "meltdowns," mostly.



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07 Aug 2019, 9:21 am

I was also met with anger, sometimes tears of hopelessness and condescension from well-meaning people.

The first part of my life, I was told I couldn't do anything (except for four years in high school by teachers who expected a high standard of performance and recognized my intelligence and work ethic). The second part of my life, I was told "You're okay. You don't have to do anything." The result was a person who, in 2011, couldn't do anything, despite earning four college degrees.

I don't believe I would have been the CEO of a company today had I started earlier (don't want the hassle), but I would have been an independent person, perhaps married and would have found somebody who loved me as I am.

I don't think I could have accomplished those goals under today's school system, with accommodations for everything. I see much more bullying under today's system than I experienced growing up. Social media has a lot to do with that. I did well under a merit-based system and one that fully communicated what I needed to do to earn top grades. I wish the same standard had been applied to my achievement of independent living skills: learning to drive, learning to take care of a house, dating and the like.



kraftiekortie
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07 Aug 2019, 9:24 am

That's pretty amazing that you've earned FOUR college degrees! I've only earned ONE.....

The very fact that you've accomplished this speaks volumes, in my opinion.



livingwithautism
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07 Aug 2019, 12:12 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
I would have "shutdowns" to prevent "meltdowns," mostly.

What do you mean by that?



Mountain Goat
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07 Aug 2019, 12:16 pm

I have a slight control over having shutdowns. I can delay them, but not for long. I get them worse if I delay them. I am thinking that maybe Kraftiekortie has the ability to direct a meltdown into a shutdown?


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Angnix
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07 Aug 2019, 12:50 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
That's pretty amazing that you've earned FOUR college degrees! I've only earned ONE.....

The very fact that you've accomplished this speaks volumes, in my opinion.


My degree was like two majors, it was zoology and also a program called Lyman Briggs, the Lyman Briggs science courses are harder than the normal ones! And my GPA was 3.3... my GRE when I took it years ago was high in the verbal section but I would have to take it again if I wanted to go to grad school because my scores were too old...

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lyman_Briggs_College


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Angnix
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07 Aug 2019, 12:51 pm

And to stay on topic I get shutdowns if I hold in meltdowns... Not long ago this happened and I was taken to the hospital...


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Mountain Goat
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07 Aug 2019, 1:54 pm

It is only now that I have thought about it that I have worked out what is happening. A typical partial shutdown for me is triggered off by something. Usually somethin which has caused sress or at times I don't even know what origionally started it all off as I can be on the fringes of going in and out of partial shutdowns most of the day (I am more vunerable to having more if I have not found myself a calm place to lie down in away from whatever was causing it (Often of late it has been many visitors coming in a few car loads all invited up by my brother who loves friends around him)...
Anyway. I noticed from the rare times that I have a meltdown that a shutdown can feel similar at the very early stage, but then as if a switch has been pressed, it turns into an energy sapping limp mode partial shutdown. I have the ability to delay the shutdown. I don't like doing this unless I have no choice because when I then get the shutdown I am like a big blob of jelly on the floor unable to do much. My body is in limp mode. Pick up my arm and it drops back down on the floor again!


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07 Aug 2019, 2:16 pm

As a child I had a hard time getting people to recognize the validity of my complaints at the way I was being treated and I think ramping up my objections to the point of meltdowns was my way of trying to get my needs recognized as valid and serious, given a lack of better tools being provided to me. At a certain point the adults decided to employ excessively punitive measures to control the meltdowns and then I started shutting down entirely rather than even attempting to express my discontent at their treatment of me. It was always more important to get me to comply than to help me to gainfully express myself, especially in ways that were incompatible with the demands that were made of me.

I actually remember the day I started shutting down. In order to get a particular form of punishment to stop I essentially went catatonic. But only after using my words, my fists, and my feet to try in vain to get it to stop.



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07 Aug 2019, 7:43 pm

Angnix wrote:
And to stay on topic I get shutdowns if I hold in meltdowns... Not long ago this happened and I was taken to the hospital...


What happens when you go into a shutdown?


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kraftiekortie
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07 Aug 2019, 8:24 pm

Basically, I don't want to "lash out," so I just sort of put myself, semi-consciously, into "shutdown" mode.



Mountain Goat
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07 Aug 2019, 8:27 pm

So by avoiding lashing out you automatically supress the meltdown stage and it turns insards into a shutdown instead?


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