When I was a child, I rarely expressed emotion. My parents have told me I would be expressionless on a roller coaster. I have no emotional memory of my friends until I moved to Texas (few years ago, have since moved to Colorado for college, which is going horrible), other than frustration at their jovial “bullying”. I constantly have to ask people what's wrong, I can only sense a general level of discontent only after carefully analyzing a person's face, but it's logic-based. I remember an instance when I was visiting my friend at a gas station (in which he worked) along with some of his friends. Nick, one of those friends, made a comment that “pulling out doesn't work” because he was born as a result of that method. I responded that it does work as a birth control method because it reduces the chance of pregnancy, and if done correctly it does so drastically. The argument ensued merely because I translated his statement literally rather than as a colloquial response to a specific incident. In actuality, I was correct. I was logical and precise, and I picked up what he actually said but not what he was communicating. I was the only one who stood by my contention, and at the time I could not see why. I was missing something, and now I believe I know what it is. I did not pick up his body language and thus his intention. To say the least, I had few friends and I rarely desired to socialize with their other friends. I feign emotion. I force eye contact. I don't know what to do with my body. I have to focus on complex sentences and logic in order to communicate my ideas and converse with people; however, I often do not give proper context when I speak with ambiguous language. I do not know how to respond to the unexpected in a normal amount of time. I play out scenarios in my head obsessively in order to know how to respond. If I have not prepared myself, I often respond bluntly enough to express my position, but not the why. My anger is not one of yelling or typical rage, but one of heavy breathing, quietness, focus, and determined destruction. The surroundings blur around my object of anger. I do not express actual emotion unless I am in a fit of rage or intensely crying, which has recently become more frequent. Something has to be the funniest thing on the planet in order to make me genuinely laugh, otherwise it is a forced response to something I find witty. By myself, that thought would be completely internalized. I do not know how to console others, it makes me feel awkward when I am put in that situation. Long conversation is only achieved when speaking of a factual and logical topic. Other conversation seems pointless because I can't empathize easily (if at all), and I find topics concerning pure opinion to be pointless. I've acted on my emotions in blind rage, but I find them to be pointless and not worthy of actual discussion. In truth, I am a social ret*d—only my focus and intellect has allowed me to feign a degree of normalcy, and from what I've gathered I was quite good at it. Like Dexter without the murder. I imitate emotion and behavior to express myself in ways that are not of myself. I feel like I've always had it, but I pretended there was nothing wrong (or different) with me. After all of the changes in my life, I've lost my will to conform, socialize, and identify with society because I forced myself with all my will to do so before. I am withdrawn, isolated, angry, depressed, and unable to adapt in social situations any longer. My time alone has made me come back to my true nature; I've forgotten much of the convention I systemized. My anxiety, loneliness, uneasiness, desire for acceptance, and depression are no longer internal vices that I can hide behind a mask of social confidence. I never had that kind of confidence, as I was merely egotistical enough to force what I felt about myself on to others, which isn't true confidence but a defense mechanism. I am obsessive. My obsession is being correct, debating, arguing, etc. Thus, almost any subject crosses my path and I will be obsessed with it as well; not because that subject captures my interest, but because it is another method of gaining ammunition in my intellectual artillery. This obsession with argumentation has led to an obsession with information, to the point that the information and media that entertains me is all I care about. I can talk forever if the subject has been targeted before and I often know so much about it that others have nothing good to add. I am literal in my speech and it is by all means atypical. I lack rhythm and transition, which even my teachers and professors have called “awkward”. This translates in to my writing often if I do not put all my will in to avoiding it. I dismiss standard procedures, and doing so has caused authority figures to think I'm insubordinate, lazy, and not working to my full potential. But I am, and I always have. I just never did it on their time or by their methods. I used to repeat what people said to me involuntarily, which is known as echolalia. I can be clumsy, and sometimes I lose all sense of balance. I can hardly sleep at night and the amount of time I sleep is erratic. My ability to function in society worsens by the moment.
Ever since I hit adolescence, I've been trying to figure out, hide, or fix whatever it was that was bothering me. Anxiety and depression were the only things that were obvious, but those words didn't seem enough to describe my personal dilemma. I looked through all sorts of emotional and perceptual disorders, but nothing fit. For the past week I have been reading about asperger's syndrome. My parents ignored my quirks when I was young, despite my expressionless nature and echolalia, as well as being unable to understand the behavior of many of my peers. I would translate play as annoyance and taunting, but I now realize that there was never any intent to harm. I've obsessed over things my entire life, the earliest one that I can remember being stealth jets (but that is long forgotten). I do not have any emotional memory (as in I find no personal significance in the memories I have; they seem like something from a movie, and I also feel depersonalized recently) of before I moved to Texas, and much of my memories from Texas are fading. I think I have it, but a diagnosis doesn't seem like it's going to happen. If I am correct in this instance, all that does is reassure me that the authority figures in my life have failed me on a fundamental level. But so what? The failings of society do not disappear because I have a realization, and this realization has far less impact on me that it would if I had it when I was a child. Sort of like finding out you have cancer far too late for any treatment, but not as dramatic and not as assured. At this point, I just feel trapped in my own mentality. Like I'm a misplaced puzzle piece from another set being forced with others of different color, arrangement, and fitting. I don't know what to do with myself anymore, I've run out of ideas and options. I don't think I know myself anymore, let alone know how to guide myself.
I beg for your suggestions.
Last edited by SertraOD on 04 Apr 2008, 9:15 am, edited 1 time in total.
04 Apr 2008, 5:36 am
I'm sorry I can't help you much but let me say this, you are NOT a ret*d. I am what they call NT so I can't really relate to your experiences.
