Social Skills issues...

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People don't want to have anything to do with me because of my lack of social skills, therefore my life is like living in solitary confinement... How can one improve "social skills" when no one wants to talk with them?

How can I improve my social skills if no one wants to be around me very much? I have looked for an adult social skills improvement workshop of some kind for THREE YEARS.... ever since I was diagnosed... and I'm about to give up. I have to force myself out of the house to be around people.. to go grocery shopping or take part in these classes.. I tried taking classes, going to parties, even got 200 personal/business cards made up with my phone number... but no one calls me.... the phone remains silent, my inbox empty... no one wants anything to do with me..

It's been like this for a long time.. Whenever I think I have a friend, it only lasts for a certain time or they try to use me... I have tried to meet other people with Asperger's, I even went to a support group and there was only ONE adult there who had the disorder and that person was married... and my phone call wasn't returned either..

People don't understand me.. they always misunderstand me and think I'm this horribly selfish person.. or whatever... They ALWAYS get me wrong... every time...

For three years I have tried to meet others with this, or improve my situation... and there is NO help for adults with this disorder.. It is as though society does NOT want me in their world.. They don't want me even breathing their air...

Observation. Watch people interact with each other. See if you can see patterns of behavior. For example, the question 'How are you?' from a total stranger is just an acknowledgment of your presence...they don't really care. Some response like "can't complain" or "fine" is all that's needed.

Watch movies. They really telegraph what to do, even though it's blindingly obvious sometimes. Just listen to people talk. See what they talk about, call and response, etc., see if it's something you can use.

I eke by after many decades of listening and watching. Still haven't got it 100%, but I'm closer than I used to be.

I guess.. I've done all that over the years... I'm wondering if whatever social skills I had developed in the past, from lack of continuous use, have either ceased to exist or maybe I just deep down don't care anymore...

I try all the niceties, shake hands, try to say the right thing.. etc.. ask "how are you", etc.. Maybe because I'm depressed, they pick up on it.. my smile doesn't sparkle enough... I don't look genuine.. or maybe I just look a bit "off" or different... that's all it takes for someone to not want to call... Maybe I'm just not cheery enough and bring people down... I just really don't know.. but it's like I'm tired of trying.. my phone never rings.. hardly ever... especially on the weekends..

I went through this time where I said to myself I'd rather be alone than have "fake friends" or someone that wanted to use me.... and sure enough, those seem to be the only people that take an interest in me... (at least, so I think anyway..) Maybe from being hurt so much in the past, I'm being too picky and think everyone will try to hurt me.. I only give my cards out to people that seem like they won't try and use me, etc.. Thing is... they don't want to call me at all.. I've been alone so long now that maybe I don't know how I'm turning people off.. or again, maybe I just don't care what they think anymore.. I just wish my weekends weren't so lonely...

Sorry you're feeling like this and finding things frustrating. Have you tried contacting your local autism agency and enquiring whether they have social skills classes? To find some sort of group somewhere (even if you had to drive for a couple of hours), I'm sure would be beneficial for you. Not only would it teach you social skills, but you would also get to meet others in a similar situation to yourself, and hence they are likely to be more accepting and become friends.

I do know of some video/book resources for children, but not for adults, sorry. All the best.

Forget about social skills for a moment and think about this...
People like others who are self-confident and to be honest, you don't sound like your confident at all.
If you work on your confidence first, you will probably find that you will get the motivation to get out into the world more and probably wont be as depressed as you are now. Maybe you should start seeing a counsellor to help you with building up your self-confidence/self-esteem...It would be a good first step.

After this, THEN you can focus on social skills. Once you've got confidence, you'll be more motivated to learn these skills.
I hope things get better for you.

One of The last counselors I had purposely tore down my confidence. It seems that everyone likes to do that to me.

I realize this morning, as I do most every morning, that I have to keep looking for a better place to live. I live in a one room apt. with no sunlight able to get through hardly at all... The only window that opens is in the bathroom and it is along a walkway with a fence that shades the light.. I don't want anyone being able to just look into the bathroom as they walk by either.. If I could get more sunlight in, it would be great. I have looked for over a year for another place, but everything else is so much more expensive..

I have an opportunity to go to a party tonight and I think I would be doing them all a favor by not going. It's a house-warming party, lots of "fun"... I used to force myself out and to go to things like that even though i didn't want to... even though I would be left feeling worse afterwards because I thought somehow I could learn to socialize better that way.. All it does is make me feel worse and more isolated though... rarely do I have a good evening with strangers... and feel like I did well... When I do feel like I did well and exchange business/personal cards, nothing seems to come of it... Your right about the confidence... I don't have much and going to a party where people probably won't like me is like asking for another "blow to my confidence"... you know??

For three years, I have tried to call all the organizations I could find in my area and for hours around, and could find NOTHING for adults... NOTHING. I finally found a Ph.D. that knows what Asperger's is and they do neurofeedback.. I've left 3 messages, and they never call me back.

thanks for trying to offer suggestions though.

I was in your situation for about 6 years, until I gave up on relationships. Nowadays my weekends are incredibly exciting, I don't have a minute to feel lonely, but all my excitement comes from the activities I plan and do alone. I don't have contact with relatives either, so zero personal interaction. At work it's the same - people want nothing to do with me. I go alone to the wonderful restaurants we have lunch vouchers for; I don't want to miss out on the lovely food. I take a kind of Prozac to avoid the constant pain of rejection and the fear of being fired yet once again. I'm overall happy. Now I'm trying my hand at photographing, and loving it. I enjoy writing and traveling too.

I spent over 40 years of my life trying everything and anything to be more liked. Nothing ever worked. Nothing ever improved. I'm still as clueless about why nobody likes me as I was when I was a child. It's a mystery to me, and to the many therapists who treated me in my life. Not even AS can account for such massive rejection.

Like you, only users take an interest in me. When they see I'm not stupid, they leave too.

I've taught myself not to want relationships, something I thought I'd never be able to achieve. Nowadays I don't know if I'd be glad if someone wanted to be my friend. I've kind of gotten too used to being without. I've come a long way, because people used to be central for my life satisfaction.

Felinity, I could have written your exact post twenty years ago. One day I made the effort to go to a nightclub with some "drinking friends" and ended up in a relationship for a while, then another, then another and finally with my wife of the last fifteen years. I'm really glad I made the effort all those years ago and went through all the turmoil, anxiety and pain in learning social skills. It isn't so much that these people have directly taught me the skills so much as I've picked them up by having someone in my life. I would never go back to the loneliness I once felt.

I guess I still, deep down, want to have friends.. there was a time in my life where I felt like I had friends and was part of a group.. until a particular person came along and destroyed everything... I wish I could have that again.. and just not let anyone destroy it... I liked feeling like I belonged, I was happier...

I don't know if I can have that again or not... I keep wondering if I should try to go to this house-warming party.. I only talked to the person a few times whose throwing it and she put out the invitation to this chapter of a national club I had attended a couple of meetings on.. pretty much generally inviting anyone thats signed up with that club to her house-warming...

They'll probably be alot of people there since it's an open bar with catering, etc.. She's even got a gift registry going at one of the major department store chains... I guess that's ONE way to get gifts for your house! maybe that's what it's all about.. invite as many people as you can to get alot of gifts...

Maybe like Tallyman, I could meet someone that could become my future spouse, you never know... or I could feel like a social failure again.. and be even more depressed....

The person throwing the party is also a Fashion designer on top of it ! !! I bet alot of people will be stylishly dressed... I don't even have anything fancy to wear.. I'm lucky to find things that have all their buttons and aren't wrinkled! ha! I have nothing in common with the "fashion designer" types either... it's just stressful sometimes to be around them, although she really did seem nice the few times I talked with her... I just think this party could be "out of my league" so to speak... I'm probably not going to go... I feel so sh*tty anyway, why risk feeling worse?? I doubt it would pick me up, unless maybe there was that one special person I could meet there that would bring sunshine back into my life.. you never know....... decisions..... decisions.... I have like 2 hours to make up my mind.. I'd have to get dressed, get a present and write down the directions and all.. I don't know... I feel unmotivated to go..... I'd have to really push myself... but maybe I wouldn't be lonely at least...

I have the same thing. No one wants to have anything to do with me. At workplaces I get mobbed and at hobbie-clubs I'm always out of the social loop for hanging out and making teams. Psychologists could never figure out what's wrong as I could relate to them themselves well; I'm possibly amongst the lowest in social functioning here. Most people seem to just decide they hate me from the start - I guess they find it convenient to just hate a random shy person and suck up to everyone else.
I might get the occasional night at a club/bar with martial arts groups. . . sometimes.

I somehow do because I'm chat sometimes with my friends face to face which helps though I have single room in a suite with three other males. I talk to them a bit too.