Putting yourself in other people's shoes

Post Reply New Topic

I've read that we have problems with this. It's hard for us to put ourselves in someone's shoes and figure out how that person is feeling, what they might be going through, etc.

But it seems like none aspies have this problem too. I'm sure you have had a situation with an NT or another person with another condition who failed to put themselves in your shoes.

At work, I was talking to one of my office clerks and she understood how hard it is to get for me to get my job done when I have lot of requests delivering stuff to guests because it's a very busy day.

But the ignorant office clerk (that's what I call him now) seems to not understand because he tells me "I need to work faster" "I am behind" and the reason why I didn't get all my work done is because I was getting requests every few minutes to deliver stuff to guests, so I can't get things done because it takes me longer. I am in the middle of delivering something, sometimes I get another request, so I write it down on my note pad. Then after I deliver all the items, I go back to my job but bam I get another request, this happens all day. Then I get criticized by the ignorant office clerk.
I'd love for him to be a houseperson for one day and have one of the other office clerks call him every few minutes and give him a request. Then he will see how hard it is to get the work done and boy he will see what I go through. I have tried explaining to him how hard it is and he doesn't seem to get it. He thinks I can get the work done even if I do keep getting requests. This is a problem we're supposed to have, not NTs or does he have a condition that makes it hard for him to do this?

But at least the other office clerk got it. She said she used to be a room attendant. I'm sure she was getting lot of requests too and it was crazy, so she understands how hard it is to get the work done when you get so many interruptions.

And they say we're the ones with this problem and not other people?

I'm going to say this is human behavior and everyone has this problem.

I know quite a few people who have a hard time putting themselves in my shoes. On the flip side, I have no trouble putting myself, in other people's shoes. I've been wondering why that could be. If it's not too much of an effort for me to put myself in another person's shoes, than why is it so hard for other people, to put themselves, in my shoes?

I think the issue is not that one group or another has more trouble than the other at understanding viewpoints.
I think that the issue is that aspies tend to have trouble understanding the viewpoint even after it has been explained.
NT's are usually (not always) able to comprehend after the situation has been explained, whereas all the aspies I know are usually still stuck even after comparison and explanation.

I had planned to post tonight about something similar. I've noticed that a lot of diagnosed Asperger's on this board have empathy and show compassion. Could the mental health professionals have it wrong? Maybe, just maybe, people with AS are fully capable of empathy and are fully capable of expressing it. I know sometimes I don't show empathy when I should or I don't express it enough (expressed empathy = compassion,) but I think that generally speaking, I have a lot of empathy and compassion. True, I am not diagnosed (yet), but like I said, I am pointing specifically to those with the diagnosis. I've also noticed that a lot of diagnosed AS people show a ton of empathy and compassion towards animals and pets. How can it be that a person who is considered not to have empathy, show so much of it towards their pets? This lends me to think that maybe the supposed lack of empathy is geared more towards humans than animals and pets because humans have bullied AS people or because AS people constantly feel like we're odd compared to NT's. Maybe lack of empathy and compassion is self preservation.

I'm only self-diagnosed so can't speak with "authority" but it seems to me that I have no problem with empathy and compassion as such. The problem is communicating that to other people. There are formal (unwritten) rules regarding how that empathy and compassion is expressed in terms of facial expressions, gestures and saying the "right thing" at the right time. Here on a forum it seems much easier as there are no expectations and nobody stood in front of us at this very moment anticipating a reply.

There are other times when people "expect" a sort of social norm empathy e.g. with death. OK I can intellectually understand that someone who has just lost a loved one is suffering and feel sympathy towards that person - but saying the right thing is often way over my head. I just try not to grin that doesn't go down very well.

Aspies do not have trouble expressiong compassion and empathy to animals because animals are innocent and honest.
Humans (NT's in particular) are deceitful, dishonest, arrogant, aggressive, and lots of other similar descriptive words.
An animal will not lay its head in your lap then turn and attack you for no reason. If they attack you there is always a reason, and usually a good one.
Humans on the other hand are known to show caring and concern to your face while attacking your back on a whim.

I wear size 7, and I like something feminine, with maybe a stacked heel, but not 'frilly.' Goes well with lab coat. Basic black is nice, or something fun yet classic. Leather, with ankle straps or sling backs.

Boots, something fleecy inside. For running shoes, I like ankle highs and broad laces.



Other's just don't fit and/or aren't my style. Separately, NTs are rigid, slow-thinking, and rather mean. They pretend to own the planet, and they might, BUT this planet operates by the rules of science and humans are inconsequential. I have a disorder; autism. Disorder is a state of entropy. Therefore I am entropically favored. What NT can boast that? Regardless of shoe preference.

I agree Lessian. Animals are so much more straightforward to relate to. We've got two dogs and I love making animal gestures and faces with them. Dog body language is so entertaining. I like to pretend that I've found something "interesting" by glancing at the dog then the imaginary thing then back again quickly and repeatedly - the dog will invariably go to investigate the interesting thing.

Human body language is much more complicated. I got "blanked" last week by a woman. A group of us were discussing the French language and she completely ignored me when I spoke to her. Arrogant cow! Another lady sensed the awkwardness and started speaking to me. I don't know how to handle confrontational or awkward situations.

I don't have any problem with empathy or sympathy. I have lots of trouble showing it but overall i think i am more empathetic than most people, although i try not to make decisions based on emotion.

I have no idea what labpet just said.

might just be that what aspies think they 'feel' (i.e. experience)
is understanding rather than empathy >> compassion

how common is alexithymia among aspies,
do 'we' feel expressibly or rather linguistically-reasoningly

can we tell?

"Maybe lack of empathy and compassion
[towards human entities, i assume]
is self preservation"

i think that is a very interesting observation,
and it fits right in with NeantHumain's existential dread-thread
(was that a death threat just rumoured inside my head)

Last edited by oblio on 05 Apr 2008, 6:35 am, edited 1 time in total.

neither do i, but it has me in stitches, silentchaos

It could be. I know that i do not view or experience emotions the same as most people. I figured empathy was understanding the pain of others and disliking the fact that they are in pain or are unhappy.

I agree so much with this. I have empathy as well, the problem comes when I have to express this empathy to others. I never know what to say. In one occasion, I was in a meeting with my boss. He received a phone call with some bad news about the health of his son. It was a serious health problem and I was worried about his son, but I didn't know how to react, so I said nothing. There was another person in the room and he said something, asked some questions and I thought "This is what I should have said". So maybe it looked as if I didn't care but I did. I just didn't know how to show my empathy.

I can understand the feelings of others on an intellectual level when I have enough information about the person, but only when I would feel the same way, were I in their shoes. And I often mistakenly assume that others will feel the same way I do about something that has made me happy or sad or excited or whatever. If it's something that I've discovered already in the past that we differ on, I'll know not to make that particular mistake again (Mental note: Jane does not care for Japanese hip-hop music. Do not sing it to her!).

Even in situations like the death of a family member or winning the lottery, where it's something I'd definitely feel the same about (death = bad. Win $ = good), I still rarely know what to say about it.

One thing I still have a lot of trouble with is greeting cards. At work, if a co-worker experiences a death in their family, my other co-workers and I will all chip in and get them some flowers and a card or something. The problem arrives when I am expected to sign the card. Nobody just writes their name on it. They all put some sort of personal message to the bereaved co-worker. Wonderful messages that they just write down very quickly and they sign, and pass the card along to the next person. And then it arrives at my desk. And I stare at it for like half an hour or more, trying to decide what to write, because they would probably just think me rude if I only signed my name or if I copied the same thing they wrote. So I think and think about what to write on it. Eventually my co-workers are like, 'Um. Are you finished yet? So-and-so still needs to sign it." So after being paralyzed for so long by my indecision, I hurriedly write something lame and pass it along, and then for the next several hours I am distracted by my mind, which is still thinking about all the stuff I could have written.

I agree with LabPet. I wear size 7 and like a nice girly looking shoe with a boxy heel. Goes with almost anything I want.
Now, I have a rather eclectic shoe collection. A coworker noted that I have the weirdest collection of shoes she has ever seen. I don't care that they think it's weird. I wear what's comfortable for me. My idea of a good shoe is definitely not what is the style of others. What I wear might not fit anyone else. I'm pretty sure that happens alot. I think that it's more about being sure and comfortable with yourself and understanding what makes you tick. Therefore it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

Being able to sympathize or empathize with others is not much different. I see others who have weird shoe collections as "like me" and am able to relate and interact on varying levels. We have to have a point of reference in order to sympathize or empathize with others. If it is not in our experience to know what someone else is thinking or feeling, then we are unable to do so. I think that it's about being able to understand the idea of what someone is thinking or feeling.

Remember too, that just because someone claims that they have been in your shoes or can understand how you are thinking or feeling, it doesn't mean that they actually do know. Part of human interaction is the ability to say, "I know" or "there, there" in some kind of compassionate sounding tone. If that's all it takes, we should all be able to fake that. Afterall, I'm pretty sure that there are NTs that do.

I wonder how many NT's can put themselves in our shoes...

Imagine being in a world where you always feel like you are a foreigner from another country (or from another planet).. You don't understand 1/2 of what they are communicating and they all get angry with you for not understanding... they don't want you around...

You go from person to person trying to find acceptance and there is none.. You've never really met another "alien" like yourself... try as you might...

It's like being sentenced to solitary confinement even though you wish you could have friends and be accepted... Can an NT imagine that?