To NT parents of Aspie children

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Are you planning to explain or have you explained to your Aspie child the "unspoken" rules of society?

By "unspoken" I mean the really, really unspoken and unadmitted rules. It's not hard to explain how to give a hug or invite a girl on a date, say, but it's another story to seat your child for a lesson about the pecking order or the high value of being passive-aggressive, for example.

I ask because my life would've been a million times better had my parents even hinted something to me about this kind of unspoken rules, rather than me being fired from job after job for decades, for example, for not following these rules. And I ask because I met a woman on another forum who admitted she's not planning on teaching these things to her aspie child because it feels too uncomfortable / embarrassing to her.

Like lying.

Taught ( with much pressure, emotion, upset, and frightening glares) that lying is wrong, and then it turns out , not only that almost everybody does it, but that in 50% of cases this is considered a good thing, called being polite, etc.

It also seems to depend on who's doing it, etc

I'm AS mother of AS boy. I also put great pressure on him about lying at one time, but have stopped since understanding this. And talked about it too. Now I don't treat lying itself as such a crime, especially if was out of fear to cover up an accident. It still bugs me though, because it is a battle of wills.

But about society's hidden laws i guess i "teach" him just by muttering wrathfully about them from time to time!

That's a very good example, yes. Thank you ouinion.

Parents teach their kids one shouldn't lie, which in itself is a lie.

That's not a problem with NT kids, because NT kids know instinctively that the parent is generalizing / lying when saying this.

But with aspie kids, you're ruining their lives. Because they take it literally, and then won't lie even to save their lives or for their own protection. They won't lie to a bully, they won't lie to someone threatening them. You have to teach aspie kids differently from NT kids. You have to take into account that whatever you teach them will be taken literally.

I have 3 sons - 2 diagnosed with Asperger's.

We have been teaching them social skills. By social skills, I don't mean teaching them to be little robots walking around saying, "Have a nice day. Have a great weekend. So great to see you."

The way we teach social skills includes:

- How to interpet social situations. They become confused because they don't understand body language, tone of voice etc. So teaching them about non-verbal communication.

- Teaching them being honest versus being polite. For example, telling someone they are ugly may be true, but it is not polite.

- Teaching them that other people have different thoughts to them.

- Teaching them that the unwritten rules are different in different situations. Using social stories and comic strips as different situations come up. They more this happens, the more situations are in their memory bank so they can try to work out what's happening.

- Telling them that Mummy (an NT) thinks many of the social rules are stupid, but letting them know they exist just the same.

- Teaching them not to let their bad feelings control their actions

- Teaching them that it is okay for them to be socially confused and tired and that it is okay for them to only want to be with others for short periods of time.

Helen

Maybe it's not possible for an NT parent to teach what they know intuitively, since they don't know these rules consciously.

I think that it is possible. As long as they have a good understanding of AS and of themselves.

I"m AS and son is AS...other is NT...and I teach them BOTH social skills. I've had to do as much explanation to my NT on certain issues as with my aspie. Because I had to learn it all from the outside, I see things differently.

Keeping it from them is wrong and not helpful. We all have to learn to survive in this world. It's not an us or them situation, it's getting along. NT's have has much trouble understanding us as we do them....we need to understand each other.

Keeping achild, or adult, blind from the accepted social norms is not going to help anyone.

If I were you, an AS mother, I'd record in a log each """"lesson"""" to your children and then condense them in a book. It'd be invaluable for Aspies like me, who weren't graced with parents who gave a damn to teach these social rules but beat us up when we transgressed them, never explaining what we had done wrong. (not to mention you'd sell thousands of books, hehe)

I voted on behalf of me mum. She's the NT, not me.