Why do I feel like this?

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I should start by saying I'm not too good at expressing feelings. I find it hard to identify them as well. Anyway, I'm just wondering if anyone else feel some sort of grief (can't really explain it) over not being able to live life as "well" as other people? It's like I'm grieving the loss of skills (even though I've never really had great social skills etc) and happiness I don't have or something. I don't know if I've got AS and/or ADD yet (which are two of the things professionals suspect I might have). Not knowing used to make me really angry and frustrated. I still feel like that quite often but recently it's like some of my anger has turned into grief or something. Grief and some sort of sense of defeat. Not sure if that makes sense. Perhaps my depression's getting worse. I don't know.

Can anyone relate? Why do I feel like this?

I'm sliding in that state as well, I see people all around me living so easily and the one friend I told about my condition just said, he has issues as well, he had to learn for a math test and that he spend 3 years on and off with his girlfriend, not understanding that unlike him I try to study but can't because my mind goes towards my interests and I can't really decide what to focus on and that while he goes to a party and right now there are three girls he is dating without effort, he just bangs them and they are in love with him, while he is treating them like crap, not caring about their feelings. I had really strong feelings towards one of these girls, she barely even knows I exist and if she talks to me, she tells me how much she is in love with him. Really great to be me, I mean I don't ask for much, but just being able to for once be accepted at a party or something, not being the odd one that suddenly blanks out or leaves without saying a thing because he cant stand it anymore would be the world for me.

you have used quotes("") for the word WELL. i wonder what is the true meaning of doing things like that; using quotes for words.

it's a mysterious world. at least for me.

Sorry, I just meant "well" is a bit relative.

It an indication that the word is used in relative ways by different people, and usually means the person posting it doesn't [necessarily] agree with the popular use of it within the context of whatever he/she is posting. You see "normal" used that way on WP a lot.

oh yes, i know this usage.

for a long time i tried to use quotes for words. i had somewhat similar use but it's kinda like there is something behind just using words and the quotes helped me be careful with words and also sound somewhat interesting.
it's like words are so limited.

I can certainly relate to that. As for the why, I'm not sure I can describe... mostly I would sort those feelings into the greater general depression category.

I know that feeling. I don't get it everyday. Most days, I'm ignoring the fact that I don't work a job or have friends like a "normal" human being. but when I face it.. im like.. why can't I? I'm speculating autism but I'm not entirely sure, as I've not seen a doctor yet. I don't know what is holding me back from doing so.. again.. probably autism. A part of me just does not care.

I have an extremely strong desire to "fit in." "Grief" is an adequate description of my emotional response at being unable to fulfill this desire.

for the thread opener
what are you trying to say at bottom line?

What do you mean? I'm trying to say the things I wrote in the first post.

I used to go through this a lot, but a lot less now. It's important, I've found, not to compare myself to others but to evaluate my progress against where I was in the past. As I learn and grow as a person, I find over time that I can see definite improvement in what's important to me. Not perfection, and I don't ever expect to get that. Perfectionism is my nemesis, in fact. But compared to me as a child, a teen, a young adult, and so forth, I see lots of growth, learning, and I get a lot of satisfaction from knowing that I've tried new things that I wanted to, and that I've improved in areas that are important to me, and also that I've made some small contribution to the world at large. What others see may be a problem for them, but I'm looking at my life from the inside, and that's a different perspective altogether. I find it quite freeing.

i thought here that you could say things differently in other words