Days of Decline and Apple Valley Departure!

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I am not dissappointed in BeeBee. She has
done a wonderful job with patience with me
as I rode the service for autism train, and I
now must see the illusion for what it is.

It is a fact that in Apple Valley, that the DARTS
(Disabled bus service) is not operating on weekends
except if space is available. Thus the fruastrations
of this weekend would not have been prevented.
The weekday schedule seems ok, but weekends
is where it bites the most. I am stranded and
this weekend of isolatiion has to and will stop.

I have 2 weeks to find out the illusions and facts
about what Susan can do? I know that I
cannot stay in Apple Valley without proper
transportation. This weekend has proven that.

I am mostly packed to leave except for my
computers. I will sell all my 10¢ Dell Comics
so I don't have to walk 1 hour to beg for cigarettes
and feel further rejection from Apple Valley.

A box of cigars may seem trivial to most, but
for me it is my tool to reset, and that isn't possible
this weekend. I slept most of the weekend and
must do computer apps/surveys in the remaining
14 box stores and bit that bullet. This rejection
by the Human Resource Dept. of Apple Valley,
and Target(hasn't happened but I was a bit to
scarry), will lead to possible other rejections
but that doesn't stop me from completing
what I started.

I will apply at all the box stores, and just
take my chances and learn as I go. I no
longer have desire to go to Barnes & Nobles
and Panera. Apple Valley and BeeBee's
home are not places for social and emotional
release, nor will I push that. I will have
to leave, and that will be decided by what
Susan can offer in services. Being stranded
takes it's toll on me. And the lack of release
is already making me packup to leave and
sleep and avoid the laughter in the house and
Panera's , Barnes & Nobles and I am a stranger
to be allowing to release.

Right now I am fiending for tabacco to give
myself reset time, and that isn't even possible.
By selling my 10¢ Dells means 6 days of resets.
I no longer desire to hang in rejection called
Apple Valley and Rosemount. laughter in
the home is appropriate since these are her
kids and my isolation is my problem and that
why I will do a final disillsionment with Susan
and leave Apple Valley.

A VAT and Diagnoses are what I leave with along
with my computer stuff. I won't miss Apple Valley
and Rosemount(places of not fitting in and social and
fiscal rejection, though I am honest and giving) and
only young things are worthy of jobs I apply for.

Sad, When I sell my 10¢ Dells, I start walking
the darkpath of leaving, as parts of my being are
being stripped froom the house of BeeBee's.

When I do this it is usually a final act, but she
doesn't understand how I reset, and nor is that
her responsibility, and when I sell my coimics
I am no longer feeling at home andmust suffer
in their laughter, and be stranded outside, thus
dooomed either way. I puff cigars to reset, and
that is my tool, the last 2 days if extended 2 weeks
means I would ask for a bus ticket one way to
california where bumming cigareetes and being
socially isolated is more acceptable.

When I beg and bum things I am at the end of
dignity and walk down the dark path. This is
her Apple Valley, not mine and nor should I
allow myself to suffer this isolation any longer
and walk for hours begging for cigarettes and
company of others. Nope! Done that in
Fremont.

Here's to what susan can offer in 2 weeks regarding
VAT scores and then seeing the illusion as it is.
I mourn for my 10¢ Dells since they so much a
part of me and fun to collect. But if I must
walk for hours to bum cigarrettes from bins
and beg for company, My time is done here.
Stranded be I, so lets hope that my beloved
Atlas/Marvels don't become victim to Apple Valleys
scorn.

Possible jobs that you might want to look into are working for a cleaning service. A lot of them allow you to work the 11PM-7AM shift. If you can deal with the Public, you may also want to try working at a Gas station on that shift as well.

I really know nothing at all about Apple Valley MN, but if you know of any factories there, putting in a few applications at those types of places, they usually aren't too choosy about who they hire on. Besides, one of the things about factory work, providing that it's really repetitive, is that you can pretty much do the work on "cruise control"
and get lost in yourself.

If you get an overnight job in a Gas station, you will usually have a few hours where hardly anybody comes in to buy stuff.

As a supplement to the original scripting
that I did, When I sell my fun side(the dell
10¢'rs), all that will remain is the panicky side.

I stop seeing fun things but the prison cells
of Bad Stan! for having fun, Bad Stan! for expressing
yourself and DARIING to even think you can have
fun things and communication as well.

THUs I enter tht BAD STAN! and stop being
human, and don't expect anything from
anybody, because if you do, youare WASTING
YOUR TIME! Thus BAD STAN FOR EVEN
THINKING OF COLLECTIING ANYTHING
OR E EVEN BEING HAPPY!

Thus therefore, When I sell the dells
I will have to leave the place call hell,
Apple Valley's, Fremonts, ect....

Because they have brought me nothing
but rejection and grief.

I guess that explains the packed computer in the hallway?

I'm sorry you feel that way.

I think you are making a horrible mistake by leaving. Susan can help you with an appt in Eagan or Burnsville, both have 7 day/week bus service. Eagan has more coffee shops/resturants. I hope you know that when you move to your own appt the boys and I hope to visit. (to say nothing of Tommy who now considers you a close friend) I had planned on at least weekly visits to help with the shopping....I've gotten used to picking up your favorites and would miss that.

I'd already stopped at the bank for your cash this morning. I think its unfair that you state you have no cash when it was simply that I had no available cash last weekend. I didn't know you needed any. How was I to know? You asked after the banks had all closed? Both of us just needed to plan ahead better.

I wanted to watch a movie with you last night (you know which one) but, since you had the door shut and the lights off, I was afraid to knock. You are always welcome to join us in the living or family rooms. Its when we are in our bedrooms with the doors shut that we want to be alone.

Tom would love to go fishing with you. He and J go almost every day after school. Just ah and oh over the size of the fish they get, even if they do look small to you.

Also, maybe you can relook at the fall schedule for community ed. Lets do that this evening.

It hurts not to get jobs. Susan is working on a better fit.

It hurts to be asked to leave a resturant. There are social rules that need to be followed. They really are automatic to me and I don't even think about them until they get broken. We can go over the ones we can think of. Susan can probably get you help with learning the others.

Really, GH, even with all the disappointments here, I think you have more here than in CA. But I will support any decision you make.

BeeBee

I don't think you should go back to CA, because of the negative feelings it will bring to you subconciously. Better to keep moving forward even in the hardest times. It sounds like you may be experiencing some of the small town isolation that I feel. I'm used to living in a larger city, and since I've been back in my home town, I notice that I get a lot of looks and just don't feel welcome most places.
In the city I could go to a restraunt or bookstore and blend in more or less.

Well I'm about to do my reset thing, and it looks like I'm heading for the "city of brotherly love"

Ghosthunter, I can't get over you!

since events have successfully seen good
conclusions for now.....What does

Mean? and I love your signiture, I remember
watching the price is right in the 70's and 80's.


Sincerely,
Ghosthunter

Aww, Ghosthunter? Really, you've got everything you need and you don't even know it. And if you don't get yourself out of that back room you better! You have BeeBee and her boys who care about you very much and you can possibly get a new life complete with new job and new apartment. Yeah, I know you don't have a job right now but you know what? What your occupation is doesn't define you. Who you are in here *points to heart* is what makes you. Okay, Okay, enough of the sappy cliches. I can't believe I'm even saying 'em.

A year ago, I had just spent a stint in the mental hospital after having a breakdown and attempting suicide.......after I lost my job. So here I was, no job, no money, no car, just my grandmother who was willing to pay all my bills including rent. My grandmother's rich at heart but not rich as far as her bank account so I knew I couldn't have her paying my bills for too long. Yet after apply for job after job, most which were low-wage positions and after getting a degree, I was deemed "over-qualified" and wasn't getting even a nibble.

Then one day, after a whole year of searching and the day after my grandmother said she couldn't pay my bills anymore, I got the phone call.....a human resource specialist temp position lasting about year that paid twice what I made on my last job. Ghosthunter, things will change for you. They can't help but change as life is nothing but. Like I had my grandmother who helped me when I needed it so much, you have BeeBee whom I bet would do her best to help you.

I know you might think you are "intruding" on BeeBee and her family's space so you stay in your room to "keep out of the way." But if you were in the way, would she have, in a million years, opened her home to you? It takes a lot of trust to invite someone in your home...with your children. So for her to take you in, that says a bunch about your good character.

Stop worrying about what others may think about you when you go out for jobs. They're going to think it anyway so why worry yourself about it? But please don't stop trying. I've been watching your story and have been hoping you would finally be able to find the peace and security you need. It's time for you to get some of life's fruits rather than so much of the manure you've received and you have to claim it and recognize that it's meant to be yours and just because you have AS doesn't make you any less worthy of it.

How small is your town? Apple Valley is 45k.
Burnsville is 35k? I think? I can understand
the LOOK! What places are it more common?
For me it is the Panera Bread(a family place) and
AppleBee's(a restraunt that closes at 12am, and
another family place.

Hmmmmm? What places do you get the LOOK!
from? and what do you do down there? Do you
work there yet?

The blending in (more/or less) is Borders in
San Francisco and numerous Starbucks in
S.F. I find that one of many numbers a
good distraction, and no family restraunt
need apply.

What Places would you frequent in a big
city?




What is that? A place or a group that you
hang with?

Thanks for posting here.
Siincerely,
Ghosthunter

True! And I did make sure I said they
weren't the issue.



And I am grateful for her outlook
and patience. The road to even a
V.A.T was long and windy.



True also, you are a wise bird!



The fact that you said them really counts
as a good thing. I say thankyou!



Bless your Grandmothers heart. What happened
to your biological parents?



Did you keep that job, or did it expire?




Good point!



So, True! Where are you staying at in
the present moment, and how long was your
hospitol stay? What was your "crappy" experience
like there?



True!



True too. I left S.F to see what changes can happen
so I can see a college degree, affordable housing,
and a good job that plays my strength. That has
never changed. The nasties folks can come up with
are what really urk me.

Where do you now work? How long have you
been there? Do you have a apartment? in a
Big City? or Small city?

Thanks for posting here,
Sincerely,
Ghosthunter

This town is very small, about 7000 I usually drive to one of the larger towns which are 20000 and 60000. Around here I always get strange looks when I go into the grocery store. Also sometimes the library, and some restraunts. I get the feeling that they just see the same people every day, and I am a total stranger who does not act very friendly.
I got a very cold reception at an Old Navy one day, that never happened to me when I was in the city.

When I lived in Raleigh which is about 300000 I could go just about anywhere and blend in. I think it's just because the people are used to minding their own business. I spent a lot of time at Borders. And the guys at the local pizza shop got used to me coming by about once a week.

I haven't been working since I've been back here. But I just got my CDL and I'm gonna give truck driving a try. I plan to move to Philadelphia which means "city of brotherly love"
Truckdriving just seems like a good fit for me, because I can go anywhere and get a job. And I will be alone, driving rather than dealing with a boss, or the public. And I just like driving I guess.

Well, my mother was a 16 year-old when she had me so I've always spent alot of time with my grandmother. Even though I lived with my mother from age 5-22, it was my grandmother who "raised" me, who taught me what my mother was too young to even know, herself. You can say that she has been a "rock" to me and were it not for her, I wouldn't have gotten as far as I have. Unfortunatly, as in many cases when there's a kid trying to bring up a kid, my mother made many mistakes regarding me and we're just now, after my crisis last year, building a better relationship. She has lived in a city 500 mile away for eight years now and we try to make the most of the time we have together when she visits.

As for my father, he was basically a non-entity. He hardly ever saw me even though he was married and had two other kids he took care of just fine and when I did finally get a chance to live with him, he threw me out of the house after five months because I refused to stop going to church. He was a Jehovah's Witness and believed all church people were evil even though I did nothing but go to college, go to work and study. He basically blamed his drug relapse on me saying that "Jehovah" wouldn't bless his household with me there. When I left, he even went so far as to confiscate my housekeys saying, "You won't be needing them, anymore." He did it to protect his precious family but his wife kicked him out a year later and he became the one living with his mother. I haven't seen him in five years and am not in a hurry.




Yes, I work for a company that's an outsourced human resources company. We provide human resource services to several corporations. I'm supposedly on until at least January but could be longer as they're closing their office here and moving to Houston....just like all the other good jobs in this city.




"Crappy" isn't the word for it. It was like being in jail except you were there for a crime you didn't commit. Gosh, we even had real inmates from the county jail staying there so they could have their psych evaluations to determine if they can stand trial. We were told when to do everything....when to eat, sleep, shower, have visitors, have simple items like toothbrushes, lipstick or deoderent in our rooms. We were patients but we weren't treated nor respected as such as we would've if we had a physical illness and that's the part that makes me angry, that in this day and age, it's still a "crime" to be mentally ill.

The hospital I was in was the state facility so it housed some of this region's sickest patients. It was an eye-opening experience seeing so many who were hallucinating, doing "weird" things, who were both sick and homeless, making me rethink what's truly valuble.But a lot of it was helpful as I learned alot about myself and I had a wonderful psychiatrist. Most of the nursing staff were pretty nice and I liked the group therapy sessions, too, which gave me techniques I could use whenever I got depressed or stressed out. I'm on four different medications now and don't mind taking them one bit, either. They help with the chemical imbalance that caused my depression and anxiety. I can also think more clearly now that I'm not this big ball of pain anymore.




I have a studeo apartment that's just right for me and is in a wonderful neighborhood. Unless I were to move to another town or buy a house (or get married ), I would see no reason to move out of it. It's in Memphis, TN which, I guess, is a big small town, about one million population....if that makes any sense. I don't like anything about this city as I think my mind is to far beyond the smallness of the culture here. And I'm not taking just in reference to size, either. I'd love to live overseas, possibly in Australia or in Europe.....now if only I can save the money to do so.

Ghosthunter, I'm concerned about you. Please let me know how you're doing.