Should I be upset by this?

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That woman appears to be a sweet, decent person, to me. My dad used to be a jerk, whenever I'd offer him help. He used to yell that he didn't need any help, and to leave him alone. That woman seems really nice. I think that you should keep being friends with her.

I asked 2 more NTs today, both of them also said it was a rude and hurtful thing to say!

Actually this question has turned out to be an interesting NT vs Aspie social experiment! Every single NT said it was rude and they would be hurt, and every Aspie has said it's nothing. Is that because the NTs are able to read more into her words? I mean, it's supposed to be typical for Aspies to take everything literally. So it makes sense you all read "I want to listen to my music" as "I want to listen to my music." The NTs read it as "I don't want to talk to you right now."

NTs may enjoy their alone time too but no NT (or Aspie) I've ever met has said it that bluntly before. Most people (including my Aspie self) will be polite even if they don't really want to talk to someone. I have had to grin and bear it when someone talks to me and I want to listen to my Ipod.

shopaholic: No I don't think it mattered how she set things up, we were just carrying weights and it didn't matter how they were set up. It wasn't the fact that she wouldn't let me help her, it was the music comment that made me wonder...is she politely telling me to go away??

CockneyRebel: She is usually so nice so I'll take your advice and stay friendly with her. The thing I wonder about this woman though, is that she is a super friendly people pleaser and I've wondered before how genuine it is. I don't get the feeling she is fake, but then I don't have the social radar that NTs have. If someone is smiling I generally assume they are nice, when of course fake people generally do smile and act sweet. I wondered if I finally caught her at a moment when she dropped the facade, and maybe she has only been pretending to like me.

From the sounds of it she was probably just a little stressed out and wanted to be left alone. My advice would be to keep going on as if nothing had happened, if stuff like this keeps happening then you have a reason to be concerned.

I say why bother taking offense? There are too many scenarios to logic this out anyway. The 'wait and see' advice is sound no matter the details. If you have been as good in your interactions with her as you could, it is pointless to allow yourself to be anxious over it, no matter how much the NTs say you should. Honestly, what good would it do? It will only make things worse when she perceives a change in you and reacts emotionally (if she is indeed NT) and it will cause a bunch of NT type drama. The ability to objectively, unemotionally handle these situations is an advantage, i think, and one that has often kept problems from escalating for me. Even though empathy may not come naturally for us, we can use the natural tendency to not assume offense and get emotionally riled to be peacemakers in relationships.

The only strategy that i have for these situations is to watch for a consistent pattern of behavior while assuming the best. Then, if i see a pattern that is suggestive of some discontent, i can approach the person at a happy moment for the both of us and mention that something seems to have changed between us and ask if he/she would share the problem with me so i can make things right again. Often people have just said "Oh, nooo, there is no problem!" and everything was fine again. Their behavior either had nothing to do with me, or they realized that i meant no offense and let it go. Either way, problem solved. Or, they would say "no problem", but continue the pattern, at which time our relationship became established as civil acquaintance instead of friends. In that case, i had either assumed friendship where there was only an acquaintance, or they didn't want to be friends. Not everyone is compatible as a true friend, so nothing personal. I can keep looking for a friend if i need one (though, the fewer face-to-face friends, the better, as even one is exhausting if properly maintained). The final response is, of course, a telling of the problem and subsequent reparations. (I always just assume responsibility, and when i do, they have almost always also assumed theirs. If not, why hold on to it anyway? Maybe they just aren't mature enough to handle the teeny loss of face.) In a professional relationship, civil acquaintance is enough to keep the workplace running smoothly and all from being under stress.

Sorry so long. Hope this all helps. Keep us posted!

Upset or set up, or? topic

I like these topics. I may have had a similar experience when I worked in retail.

The other NTs knew I was not one of them. I found them to be more moody than I was, or at least they showed it. It was as if they were acting toward me as they thought I acted toward them. Kind of an in-your-face thing. I would shrug and walk away. What could I do? I do not talk others out of bad moods. I am not a Mundie Rescuer type.

I would not trust this woman again.

Shopaholic: Tamara, another girl I work with said the EXACT same thing. That maybe someone upset her, and she was still a bit shaken from that so she couldn't talk to me. That would make a lot of sense, because a couple hours earlier she was extremely nice to me. As Tamara put it to me: "What did you do after she said that to you?" I said I put MY Ipod on and I didn't want to talk to anyone because I was upset. Tamara said "Well there you go, maybe someone had just done the same thing to her." I will keep that in mind the next time I see her.

deadpanhead: Good advice, I will assume the best. If it comes up that she asks if I was offended, I will certainly tell her that it wasn't the nicest thing to say and it bothered me, but I won't hold it against her. Otherwise I won't go out of my way to bring it up, it's not serious enough to make too much of a big deal but I will try to keep my "radar" up looking for any signs that perhaps this woman truly doesn't like me. Like you said, I don't want to bring up a bunch of NT drama. I could just imagine her going over the top either apologizing profusely, or getting huffy with me for being oversensitive.

Thanks again to everyone, you've been very helpful understanding the twisted NT world!

Oh I do not understand this woman! I saw her today. She did not wave at me like usual, did not speak to me at all. But she walked past, smiled and put her hand on my arm. Then kept walking without a word. Then walked past not long after as she was leaving, put her head down and didn't say goodbye but her friend did. There is no possible way she is angry at me because I didn't do anything. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND NTS!! !! !! !

I'd just take it with a pinch of salt, sometimes people are like that at work, you just have to let them get on with it and then after time it sorts itself out.

Good points deadpanhead. I don't think the NTs were validating since when I told them about it I did it by saying "Have you ever been not sure if you've been insulted or not?" and then told them. I could see they would try to validate if I began with "Ugghh this woman I work with said this and I'm so upset, ra ra ra..."

I haven't told her or anyone who might tell her about my Aspie ness, but interesting you brought it up. This woman is very huggy and affectionate but not so much with me. One day another coworker hugged me, and immediately she jumped in and hugged me too. A few times she has walked toward me like she was about to hug then stopped dead. I finally realised I tense up when someone is coming toward me, even though I like her very much and wouldn't mind a hug I was unconsiously pulling away and she noticed (many people do not and would hug me anyway). But I don't think she is giving me space because I think she can see I like talking to her. She knows I like her. A friend who knows her said she has often got the feeling that this woman pretends to be nice but is secretly irritated (she has a job where everyone admires her and constantly wants her attention). I had always been impressed with her because she's the one person who was never irritated by my autisticness and will patiently talk to me. But I wonder if the patience finally ran out. We Aspies can be quite annoying, to NTs and even each other!

Yes, if you tense up when she hugs you, she will definitely notice!

It does sound like she may think she has upset you - could it have got back to her that you were asking questions about her? You say you have asked a lot of people - could she know any of them? She seems kind of unsure of how to act around you.

Try initiating something - see if she seems happy & relieved or irritated?