Office Meetings vs Internet Forums - Problem Discussion

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I had been trying to drop hints for while about how I am different to my boss, but I finally just told him in plain language about it last Friday. I think he might suspect I use it [Asperger's] as an excuse instead of putting forth effort to socialize and interact with people more effectively, so I'm working on trying to show him that while I do put forth substantial effort, there is little return on my investment, often with nothing learned.

There's a big meeting Tuesday that I have to go to; I hate those bloody things. It'll be like it always goes, an unproductive exchange of ideas by which people are pretentious and aggressive under the thin cloak of technical insinuation. My blunt remarks generally get me into a bit of heat, but at this point, I can hardly make myself care. If they want answers, they'll get answers, and I really don't care who the answers make look bad.

The meetings are interesting because I'm usually quiet unless directly spoken to because I have no idea as to the order of who is supposed to do "what" at a specific time. I'll generally be spinning around in my chair most of the time, probably while playing with my phone, too. When I do speak, I've noticed it to be a direct interruption, more times than not, of someone's current "time slot," to reference multiplexing, in the meeting or thought process.

The thoughts are sometimes relevant, but it comes out in a manner that sort of destroys the current train of thought, kind of like verbal hijacking, if they pay attention. I usually then lose control of the idea and often find myself discouraged at being unable to convey my ideas in a manner that can be universally understood. People often tell me that I talk like a book, so I'm not sure if it's the words I use or some other mistake that negatively influences my contributions.

How do you all deal with formal/informal meetings? I like the structure of the parliamentary process, but everybody here just sits around a table in a sort of free for all. I have found that I don't do well in the free for all setting, really. I'm also much better at expressing my thoughts and constructing ideas in written/spoken form because it's so hard to sort out the message because of so many different people talking between the noises of the air conditioner and flashes of those evil fluorescent lights. I don't have enough time to process the information before somebody else starts talking =P

I don't have much experience of business meetings but in college we had round table discussions on a daily basis. I found this difficult as I'd either say too much or not enough. I found that paying attention even if it bores you is probably a good start. People like to know that you are listening and will feel slighted or emotionally hurt if you ignore them. If you find yourself talking too much, try to regulate this by pausing and thinking through what you want to say. In these sorts of situations, being clear and concise is probably best.

I too am more at ease in formal situations with clear rules. I can be quite anxious if I'm not sure what is expected of me.

Perhaps you could ask your boss if there is anything he'd like you to do differently. Being flexible and open to suggestions is a good idea in a social environment.

Oh, god, I hate business meetings. Fortunately, ours - at present - are relatively structured and I'm not expected to comment or contribute until it's "my turn". We literally go 'round the table and when the person to my left says "that's all I have" and my boss says, "and next...." I insert my schpeil.


Hate is not strong enough a term. Loathe comes closer. Those meetings waste two hours time doing what could be managed in an email that could be read in a few moments, and then the rest of the time is filled up with people "bonding" and "team building". Which is also a royal pain in the ass.

Pretend you're the meeting secretary. Write down all the ideas in a sort of outline form, all the pros and cons that people mention. Then take the whole document and e-mail it to the meeting leader--"These are my notes; maybe they'd be useful to you". Should win you some brownie points, give you something to do, and let you keep straight what the heck all those people are jabbering about!

I've tried using email to communicate my ideas, but I've found often that people simply disregard or delete my emails without even reading them. I'll attempt to talk to them about an email containing vital information I sent up to 24-48 hours prior only to find that they didn't even skim over it for a general idea. It seems that many people are opposed to reading in any form and prefer pictures or spoken words. I've actually watched people throw things I've written and printed into the garbage as they leave the room.

I have a hard time trying to figure out if I'm just not communicating properly vs if people don't care about what I say, don't understand it, or simply hate me. I usually try to be clear and concise, but I have found that my words are often misunderstood in a way I could not have predicted, often with disastrous political consequences. Before I email lots of people, I send my message to the secretary in our department to have her "translate" it into normal people English. The translated message seems so too vague and simply, omitting important details, but people usually seem to understand.

Unfortunately, people might disregard your opinions or information because they have issues with you. They may realise that you are different and they may not like this at all. There is not really much you can do if people have decided not to listen to you or read your emails. I've read that aspies are not good with office politics and are often ostracised in some way because of some mistakes that they are not aware of.

Have you tired to question them directly about this? Maybe asking them if they have read your emails and what do they think of your ideas. At least then you would be clear about what is the problem. Either they don't like you or they don't understand you.

on email, i've found that you have to be extremely precise, don't flower things up, don't offer too much in the way of opinion UNLESS you state clearly it's an opinion. keep them short and to the point. it has helped, for me.

Well, I'm not all that experienced, but the best thing I've found to be productive at a meeting is to create a personal agenda ahead of time. Even just having some of my concerns out in point form can help me organize my thoughts. If it's important, I try to sit down with a friendly NT and get some pointers on how to present my thoughts in a good way. I usually include more items then I actually expect to be addressed, and keep in mind that other people are also going to want to have time to bring up their own items.

In the case of embarrassing others or making them look bad, I sometimes find it helpful to try to talk to them semi-privately about it before raising the sensitive issue with others. That gives them the chance to explain any extraneous factors that may justify their behaviour or to admit their mistake without losing face. If the person repeatedly tells me to F off, or always tries to cover up their mistake instead of fixing it when informed, I stop telling them privately, but most of the time I've found people to be honest and sometimes even grateful to have their mistakes pointed out before others notice. Though as I've said before, I'm not really experienced, so maybe I'm just not jaded yet.

Your coworkers are disrespecting you (e.g., throwing away printouts without even looking at them) because you, pardon my French, ain't got no street cred. By street cred, I mean influence or "social capital" or even just plain old respect. Spinning around in a chair, at least with the image I'm getting of a little kid rapidly spinning in 360° circles while exclaiming, "Wee!" definitely hurts your cause because you're being disrespectful towards them. Also, whether you personally like team building or not, you should make at least minimal effort to be friendly and supportive towards coworkers because, well, you've got to work with them.

For example, if the flow of the meeting seems to have been interrupted after saying something like this:

I don't really try to be disrespectful; in fact, I generally try to be reasonably respectful, if only from the point that we're all human. However, I generally fail miserably in my efforts for reasons I have not yet determined. I appreciate you pointing out that fidgeting around in my chair can be construed as disrespectful despite my restlessness. I wonder what other things I'm probably missing.

It's crunch time pretty soon. I suppose it's a good coincidence that I didn't sleep much last night because I will now be probably too tired to cause any sort of disturbance. Then again, my endocrine system might surprise me. We shall see.

Ja I know that took me a while to respond. The meeting went relatively well, and I was able to get my point across rather effectively. It seemed so chaotic and disorganized, but I spoke with the meeting organizer beforehand to get a feel for things. After the meeting, a few participants thanked me for commenting on the strange issues that they didn't understand since I had a much better grasp on it than they did. One of them actually said that he felt under fire because he couldn't provide an answer and was grateful for me being there to explain it, even in my highly technical and somewhat monotonous (except for the stuttering) voice.

Office meetings remind me too much of Xmas and other holidays involving social gathering and exchanging gifts. I think holidays will be my next post, though. It should be interesting to see what kind of thoughts I can stir up there. Thanks for all the contributions to this thread, folks