AS and Anxiety

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I was just diagnosed with GAD, but I still think I have some autistic tendencies. I have a lot of anxiety - I freak out about plans changing, about driving (i like driving, but intersections and other things where my choice isn't clear completely freak me out), about not getting enough sleep, about getting into a car accident, about being investigated for any number of things, about going crazy, about being hated, about being in the workforce (i'm intelligent but act like an idiot under pressure), about not accomplishing something great in life, about finding a husband, about being able to raise my kids correctly, about making friends, about maintaining any romantic relationship, about getting sick or injured, about people finding out things I've said about them. My life lately is one big ball of anxiety - it's tough. I always thought people with anxiety should just 'get over it', but now I truly believe it can have a biological cause, because I know how irrational I'm being, and I still constantly freak out in my mind. Outwardly I usually appear okay because I believe on going on in life and trying things anways instead of staying home crying about it, but my mind is a swirling mass of panic. My mom, grandmother, and sister all exhibit intense anxiety in different ways, so I think mine is definitely genetic.

I am in cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) right now, officially for anxiety. There really isn't much that doesn't cause me anxiety. My perfectionism pretty much assures that. Anyway, the CBT seems to be helping. My therapist doesn't care if I have AS or not; she figures that if I'm finding support and good advice here at WP for problems I have in common with many of the people here, then that's good. And she accepts that I will always have a need for structure, etc., and that there's no point in trying to change that.

Anyway, I think I may have just responded to related thread... oops.

The point: CBT has really been helping me in pinpointing exactly what it is that causes me so much anxiety, which is not always clear. So if your therapist is not a cognitive behavioural therapist, you might want to look into CBT (not that there's necessarily anything wrong with other approaches). I like it because I find it a very no-nonsense, practical, solution-oriented approach. For instance, my therapist doesn't care if my compulsive need for order is a reaction to being a raised by an insanely flighty mother or if it's an innate Aspie trait. She just wants to find a way to help me cope with it.

I have moderate to severe anxiety and I've identified several causes (or 'triggers') for it, at least within myself:

1. Certain sounds, like wind blowing at gale force, kids screeching/squealing while at play, sudden sounds like car horns, etc., and the sound of thunder When I figured out these triggers, I eased the anxiety somewhat by simply wearing earplugs when possible, especially at night when I sleep.

2. I have a long list of phobias and any one of them will trigger an anxiety/panic attack -
driving down mountain roads or across high bridges, being in an tightly enclosed place without an easy exit, during thunderstorms (I don't mind watching them, it's the sound I can't take)

3. being in certain social situations where I'm expecting to interract with others, I've always been judged harshly by others (NTs, mostly) and I'm an intensely shy person. Being forced to talk to people I don't know will set internal alarms ringing in my head and I can't stand it. I usually find an excuse to leave within a few minutes.

Just because I've identified the triggers doesn't mean it helps the anxiety much. I've devised intricate ways to avoid all of the above-listed triggers, and yes, it often puts me in a difficult to explain position, but I literally have no choice. Anxiety has led to some fairly severe health consequences for me, including a stress-induced TIA (mini-stroke) last month. I have terribly high blood pressure and I know a stroke will claim me one fine day, no matter how many meds I take. (That is, unless I get so tired I commit suicide first). Because my anxiety is rooted in my AS, there will never be a way out for me. I'd be so doped up I couldn't function, and I'd rather be dead than be a vegetable.

My 5 year old is very anxious and stutters. My husband is also anxious at time, especially in certain social situations. He says he replays in his head how he should have reacted but most of the time he doesn't know.

The first time I ever really experienced anxiety - or at least, to the point that it was severe enough to really knock me back - was when I finished sixth form and went to university. Up till then there had been random moments when I'd felt really weird inside - fights with friends, being in a loud disco, going to school on the day of some horrible thing...but those weren't major and didn't knock me back in a major way. (I'm bullheaded so I tend to make myself do a lot of things I don't want to do, just because it's better for me if I don't run away from them). Very loud sounds (trains, drills, not music, surprisingly, probably because I love music so much), very strong smells or tastes, or being confined in a space with people which I cannot leave (ie long train journey, cinema, restaurant) kick off some amount of stress/panic inside of me.

And to this day I still cannot eat in restaurants without it stressing me out beyond all belief. I can about eat on trains and stuff now, so long as I'm alone. But if I'm with anyone else, or in a cafe or something - forget it. Just not happening ^_^.

But back to my main point.

Because I wasn't diagnosed till I was 22, I had no reason or way to explain to my family that going away to University was something which had terrified me since I was a child. I had dreaded it for years yet never spoken it, because my cousins both went to Uni, my uncle is a professor, my parents went to teacher training, etc. And my Mother and I had fought a lot when I was younger because of miscommunication, so that hadn't helped either.

What basically happened was that I got there, freaked out, wanted to go home, and Mum kicked up a fuss and was angry. They left me there, I had a minor breakdown, and it wound up that I came home the next day. My mother was not happy about it, and it was a difficult few weeks. She didn't understand and I didn't know how to make her. But she thought I'd drop out, and I never did. I commuted for 3 years and I got my degree, by which point she had come around to realising that - for whatever reason - I'd done the right thing for me and that I'd gleaned other positives like mastering public transport on my own (which means now I travel the trains all the flipping time, LOL).

Since then I've had a few major episodes, however. One was when we were meant to go on holiday...it was after that that we really began discussing the possibility that something else was at work within me. Another difficult time.

The third was when I had my first job out of Uni, because they were seriously MEAN people to work with, and it involved a lot of not doing much, which I find a major, major cause of stress. I don't know if other Aspies are like this, but I have to have my brain occupied else I'm prone to going a bit nuts (either zoning out completely or getting agitated and stressed out and worrying about stuff). We were also having major building work at home at the same time, so it was two things on top of one another.

With me it generally is two things at once colliding that triggers a major panic episode, actually. The last time was two years ago when my sister went to university, dropped out, and went to a different one, all in the space of a week. That same time, my mother (who has leukaemia) had a major drop in her platelets and it was really scary, because these days she and I are super-close. So that was a trigger then.

Since then I've had no more major episodes of emotional anxiety (which is good, because I despise them more than anything). I do have brief moments - but I've learnt that the thing which upsets me most is if I run away from doing something and avoid it. I feel I let myself down, and that precipitates an attack, or makes it worse. So these days, if I'm scared, I push forward and do my best to carry on. If I do, eventually, it calms down.

Two years ago I went to Brussels on the Eurostar, alone. It was the most terrifying thing I ever did. And I'm so glad I did it. I loved Brussels. But most of all I loved the independance of going on holiday by myself and even though I still get anxious before I leave, it fades when my brain realises I'm not going to quit and give in to its whining. Overcoming the staying away from home thing was something I should have attempted in small steps from the start, instead of trying to go away to Uni and hide the fact I wasn't happy about it. But you live and learn, right?

These days, if I have anxiety fits, it's usually physical rather than mental. While I don't have panic attacks or pass out, I do have palpitations, shaking, sweating, nausea from time to time. Again, I pretty much just tell my body to get on with it and push on.

I'm not saying that bottling up anxieties and hiding them behind doing other things is an answer. Some things need to be discussed, after all. But I think a healthy amount of distraction therapy is a good way to shake off the worst of it. Certainly so it's proven for me.

The trick is just not to push too far, too fast

Oh yes. And this:

I'm an Aspie, and I work in a public library. Why? Because I love working with people. And I'm darn good at my job, if you believe my PDR reviews each year. I'm patient, tolerant, helpful, and all the other things you have to be to work with anyone and everyone who walks in the door, no matter what their need. I love this because it constantly changes, is totally unexpected and means that I'm ALWAYS learning new things about people and human interaction.

This is totally not what stereotypically people consider the 'Aspie' behaviour model. But I thought I'd throw it in there, because my diagnosis is not slight, it's definite. I'm also sure I'm not alone - that a lot of Aspies seek friendship and companionship to some degree, and are fascinated by other people. One of my main interests is language, and I'm sure it's because I've been struggling to communicate with people since the word go.

Be careful not to assume that because you like people and socialise, you can't have autistic traits. You basically summed up for me what I would call my own model of social interaction - so long as I have a modicum of control (ie, in work environment, with people I know, etc) and am not trapped in a situation I can't escape. You like people on your terms, and that, going on my own experience, is very Aspie indeed.

Just a thought for you to chew over Everyone is at least partly on the spectrum. Even if you are not fully Aspie or Autistic, you may have one or two traits in common and if it helps your anxiety to consider that aspect, then hopefully it was worth my pointing it out

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