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Greentea
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25 Feb 2008, 12:57 am

My sister does people favors often and she gets lots of appreciation for it and gets favors back.

I, on the other hand, when I do someone a favor, they become demanding and aggressive if I don't do the same favor again and again, and eventually leave. The favor becomes my obligation in the relationship.

I'm sure there must be something that I do wrong and she does right about how to do someone a favor, but I've no clue what it is.


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oscuria
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25 Feb 2008, 1:04 am

I remove myself from attachment. That is the only way I can do a favor. I also learned it is also a method for not having people ask you to do favors because they perceive you as uncaring and a waste of your time.

If I am not absolutely confident/comfortable, I will not do such a favor.

People enjoy favors. There is no altruistic path in relationships.



jawbrodt
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25 Feb 2008, 1:20 am

Do people ask you for a favor, or do you offer first? Now, same question for your sister? This may help with finding the answer.


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25 Feb 2008, 7:13 am

I find that I offer favours all too easily, and then I end up feeling like maybe people take advantage of that, and also it puts a lot of pressure on myself and stresses me out. I kind of feel like Edward Scissorhands when he cuts all the dogs' and womens' hair because he likes doing it, but then everyone wants it done and the dad tries to make him charge money for it but he's just happy getting cookies and thanks.



Grey_Kameleon
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25 Feb 2008, 7:27 am

Don't send the message that people can push you around. Be giving when you are needed, but be wary of doing 'favors'.



howzat
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25 Feb 2008, 10:01 am

I never do favors to be honest.



Sora
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25 Feb 2008, 10:15 am

I do you a favour, you do me a favour.

And people do become aggressive once they realise I'm rarely doing anyone favours, even if I could expect a lot more back. I was told by my therapist that people probably usually underestimate me, thus believing they could make me do favours all the time. As this is something I take extreme offence in, I won't accept any kind of exploitation (of anyone!), I make very sure that people realise that I'm not to be exploited, once thy try. And then they get all aggressive about it, but I've also been told that this display of aggression is than natural and a defensive/helpless act on their side.

I do favours only when I know people appreciate and when I'm of the opinion that they deserve them even in normal situations. I often do favours for my friends, receive favours back naturally, but I also say 'no', when I think a person should do it themselves. Wouldn't want anyone to get lazy.



AndersTheAspie
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25 Feb 2008, 1:05 pm

I always get offended when people wanna repay the favors I do for them. Did I ask for payment here?...

But anyway, this isn't about me.
What kind of favors are we talking here? Do they have a reason to expect them from you over and over again? Sometimes people read you offering to do something for them as "Why don't I just do that from now on?" And if you don't do something that you volunteered to do, then obviously they are going to get annoyed. Now the question is, is this the way they are reading it?


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LostInEmulation
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25 Feb 2008, 1:26 pm

I often did people faavors to the point of being exploited so people talked to me. This at least gave people a reason to be nice to me instead of ignoring me or being mean. I was in contact with a person for years who nearly exclusively wanted me to help her with the computer - because otherwise no one in my age cared about me :cry:


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25 Feb 2008, 1:43 pm

I do favors for people all the time and it doesn't bother me at all. But sometimes people say I'm somebody's "b***h" because I do favors for them all the time, so I have to start giving arbitrary no's.



Greentea
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25 Feb 2008, 3:15 pm

AndersTheAspie, that may indeed be a clue to my problem. But in other instances, it's just like I offer a service once and then I'm expected to always offer to do that service or they get all hostile.


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Tequila
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25 Feb 2008, 7:35 pm

If I don't like the person or don't feel like I'm fully being appreciated then I'll tell them to get lost. Life's too short to be walked on, frankly.

Who is the person that demands favours from you? This might help as to how to respond?



Greentea
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23 Aug 2009, 7:46 am

Bump hoping for more insights...


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Jaydee
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23 Aug 2009, 8:15 am

As with almost all things, it depends. It depends on what kind of favour they're asking.
If they ask you for a favour which they believe is extremely easy for you to perform (eg. a next door neighbour asking if you would do them a favour and emptying their mail box while they're away for a couple of days), they may become annoyed if you suddenly say no for no apparent reason. (They would accept it if you could offer a good reason for saying no, for instance that you're going away yourself). Just saying no to perform an easy, no-sweat favour without any explanation would probably be seen as a bit strange.

But if you've once offered to mow your neighbour's lawn because he had sprained his ankle, and he keeps asking you to mow his lawn even though his ankle's healed, you're in your full right to say no. And he'd be a fool for becoming angry with you for that. If he becomes annoyed, you might say: "I offered to mow your lawn as a favour because of your sprained ankle. I wasn't looking out for a part-time job being your gardner." Ok, you're a bit cheeky, but so is he for being annoyed. Favours that shouldn't be asked for again and again (without reciprocity) include picking up kids at school, babysitting, doing someone's shopping, etc.

My advice is to say yes to tiny favours that will cost you next to nothing (eg.: "Will you keep an eye on my four year-old playing in the yard while I fetch the laundry in the basement? It will take two minutes"; "Do you mind watering the flowers while we're away this week?")

In my own life, my neighbour asks me to feed his guinea pig while he is away, and I ask him to feed my cat while I'm away. If he can't, he will give a reasonable explanation as to why, and vice versa.

That said, I believe that there will always be some people who are interested in getting people to perform favours for them and who become annoyed if they get a negative answer. Just ignore these people. :)



Greentea
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23 Aug 2009, 9:11 am

One of a thousand examples:

I once had a friend in my country of origin whom I put up for a few days when she and her friend were on a visit in this country. Meals, trips, constant attention, everything. I really liked her.

Sadly, immediately with her return home she cut contact with me. She even got a bf and a couple years later married, and didn't ever write to share her happiness. I knew the news from other people. I mourned and healed and after a few years almost completely forgot about her.

I heard through the grapevine one day that she was coming again, this time on her honeymoon. A couple months later I got a call from her, she was in my city and absolutely refused to pay for a hotel stay. I told her it'd been too long and I felt we needed to rekindle the friendship before we shared my house. She yelled, refused to meet me for coffee or talk to me, only demanded I put her up again or else she'd badmouth me to my relatives back home.

This happens to me every time I do a favor, while I don't know anyone to whom this happens, certainly not each time.


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activebutodd
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23 Aug 2009, 9:30 am

It sounds like you're getting used there, Greentea. She's expecting you to be a free hotel anytime she wants but won't bother to keep up the friendship to make it something nice for both of you. You're just there when she wants something. Ouch. :( Maybe don't be her convenience anymore, find a nicer friend.

I've had a friend like that. Had. :)