A friend with Asperger's

Post Reply New Topic

Hello there. I believe a friend of mine has Asperger's, and I'm unsure whether I should discuss this with him or just let it be. We're housemates at the moment but we've known each other for several years, but since I worked as a teaching assistant with special needs kids it's really put his oddities into perspective. For example:

- he cannot perform simple tasks such as tying a rubbish back together or using a screwdriver
- he ALWAYS speaks in the same tone of voice, whatever the situation or his mood
- he obsesses over a particular band for several weeks once I've introduced him to them, and finds out everything he can about them before showing little interest afterwards
- he rambles on about mundane things, even though those he speaks to are quite obviously not interested, or sometimes even offended when he offers his view on something and portrays it as the gospel truth. He also introduces a subject into a conversation completely unpromted, without any sort of context.
- he sticks to quite a strict daily routine

I could go on, but those are the ones that stick out to me. Even though he's often good-humoured about his "oddities" when they're pointed out to him, he obviously finds it very hard to maintain friendships - I'm probably one of the few friends he has beyond an acquaintence right now.

My question is: would it help him to know that he may have this, and thus put his "oddities" into perspective (and thus explain them to those who simply think he's strange or inconsiderate), or is it better for him to just carry on as he is? The guy is curreently studying for a PhD, and he has a part-time job which he seems to enjoy, but at the same time I find him crying out for hep sometimes when he loses a friend who can't put up with him, or struggles to perform the simplest tasks without understanding why other find it so easy.

Your advice would be appreciated.

I think he needs to know. He does have some Asperger's traits, and it's possible he might have it. Of course it could also be possible he knows and simply doesn't tell people.

How to approach the subject with him, I have no idea. Best not to come at it as "you have this horrible disability" because Asperger's... well, it's not "horrible", nor is it always a disability. If there's anything that describes Asperger's, it's "different". Like your brain runs on a different operating system.

Yes you totally discus it with him. In a very dramatic voice, possibly bringing along some kind of sound-emission device to play a dramatic tune. He'll probably feel a lot better about himself when he knows why he's different and be able to explain some of his actions.

How about not presenting it as a disability, but as a personality type, and lead in with his good points maybe, like is he smart, well organized, isn't wasting his time being a social butterfly, or even just that the things he calls his "oddities" have an explanation, it's a personality type. It's makes him more real, genuine, not someone who's trying to fill a stereotype.

Maybe you've read about some of the social skills training for the people you teach and you could share it with him. There seems to be some kind of NT thing that having to learn social skills is the most embarrassing thing on earth. They should just get over it. It's ok to have to read about this stuff. Be supportive that you can hold he head up high as he learns about this stuff and the NTs will just have to deal with it.

You know, if they had an "advanced social skills for Aspies" textbook, we'd all be ordering copies... All the curricula seem to be for little kids or developmentally delayed adults, teaching them stuff like how to greet somebody or how to talk to a cashier in the grocery... We need more than that; most of us have got past it and still have more to learn. I'm sick of being misunderstood because I don't speak the language; and while it's easy enough to get friends and such to just tell me when I don't get it or they don't get it, you can't do that for everybody you interact with.

Thanks for the advice folks. I think for the time being I will leave it be until he brings it up again, i.e. he has extreme difficulty with a new friendship / practical situation and is struggling to understand why. I just don't know how else to bring this up, and it might do more harm than good bringing it up unprompted.

In response to the seemingly sarcastic tone of Gosmokesome's post - I suspected that I had social anxiety a few months ago after reading about it. At first it freaked me out, but it has helped tremendously putting my feelings and social responses into context in the long run, even if I actually don't have it, if you see what I mean. If you're somehow different, it's better to comprehend those differences and use that knowledge to your advantage rather than to constantly feel frustrated and confused about why things aren't the same for you as those around you. Not that you should feel the need to change to conform to social norms - just to understand why you differ from them.

If a square peg doesn't fit into a round hole, it's neither the peg's nor the hole's fault, but you'd be forcing it in forever more unless you studied the peg in the first place. At least then you can stop forcing it.

Outside of:

He sounds like AS. Maybe he is HFA.

This is an aside, but what's a rubbish?

probably trash bag

Remember to look to the right before crossing the street and don't run over any sleeping policeman on your tally up to ASDA to grab some bloody things for that nagging cur, eh, govn'r?

So, so far, I got one answer that doesn't fit how the word was used (tie a trash bag back together? Tied closed, yes; tied back together, not any trash bag I'm familiar with), and then a reply to that which makes no sense whatsover. Perhaps best to just leave the person who posted it to answer?

If you tell him that he's like a friend of yours with AS and he goes on to self/diagnosis, he'll probably thank you sooner rather than later.

Don't dress it up, or he'll smell a rat and think it's something he needs to be really worried about.

Just make it a throw away comment or present it as an everyday thing (which it is).

Truth is ALWAYS the best policy.
The general problem is not whether or not to tell the truth, but in being able to put things over as honestly as possible.

There's never an ideal time to tell someone something like this - but he's an intelligent guy, he'll choose to accept and assimilate as much of it as his subconscious allows him.

Don't presume to know how it will affect him.
Witholding it could be the greatest disservice you can do him.

Given what Aspies have to put up with, it's difficult to imagine that learning of their Aspidity ever pushed one over the edge.

It may if nothing else, give him a sense of belonging.
The real danger is that he may go on to spend inordinate amounts of time researching it on the web and posting in this forum, to the detriment of his PhD

Just ask him, outright, have you heard of...Or next time he's cleaning up alot or something say "hay Aspie" and see how he reacts. I should have known alot sooner.

In England we take a rubbish bag, tie the top into a knot and place it in the wheely bin. That is a brilliant sentence... "What's a rubbish?" I am not teasing, it cheered me, though I can be rubbish at choosing the correct words to convey emotion (can be used as a derrogatory remark.)

Last edited by Jenk on 09 Aug 2008, 5:58 pm, edited 13 times in total.

When I was informed I might have AS, I already knew about it because of my daughter.
Hannah's integration department HOD was around when I got excited about a friends new computer and I cut off my conversation with him and started flapping and walking off. He pointed out my flapping. And it continued from there.

Other parents of AS children pointed things out, my friends pointed things out, my parents just told me Hannah was fine because she was exactly like me as a child, Child Youth Mental Health didn't tell me to get assessed but 'strongly supported my efforts to do so' in an attempt to get my to be a better parent.

I guess if you are NT, a nice understated approach would be 'normal'. You could start by telling him about a kid at school who has all of these AS traits but is undiagnosed and looking to get assessed soon. The kid I guess doesn't have to be real. I've noticed that NTs are quite fond of this subtle approach and tend to base some of these things on 'white lies'.

Sorry, "rubbish" meaning trash, yes. Putting the rubbish out is akin to putting the garbage out. Essentially he couldn't tie a simple knot, even when shown how.

I understand "put the rubbish out" just fine. I understand rubbish as a non-count noun just fine. What I didn't and still don't understand it "tying a rubbish back together". That is what I was asking about. I take it from you reply right now that you meant put the rubbish out. Okay, cool.

Wait, is "back" supposed to be "bag"? If so, it all makes sense now.