Aspergers and relationships

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I've seen people mention that aspies tend to have trouble in relationships and marriage. And also I've seen people say that two aspies should get together, not an aspie and an NT. I really have trouble with that latter one. I guess it makes me think of my first marriage that didn't even last a year. I didn't know I had aspergers back then so I didn't know what made me different. The guy that I was unfortunate to marry, I believe now that he may have had aspergers. He would watch the same movie over and over all day/night. He didn't appear to show empathy towards anyone...although he also didn't show compassion for anyone, only cats. He told me how he was picked on in school, didn't have good eye contact, etc. Our marriage did not work for many reasons...but mainly he was very extremely mentally abusive and it started to turn physical. I'm such a sensitive person I couldn't handle being called names and put down by him when I know I didn't do anything wrong. He would get extremely angry over the weirdest things, like if I happened to walk a few steps ahead of him and didn't hold his hand. Or if I didn't want to get up with him at 3:00 in the morning and do something with him. Now of course I don't think the anger management was aspergers.... That's just something else he had in a major major way. And the things he expected of me, knowing I had to be at work at 8am and expecting me to get up at 3 in the morning when he was coming home from work, it's like he couldn't understand that I physically couldn't do it, he just felt offended that I didn't want to be with him.

Even trying hard not to look at my ex since I don't really know if he had aspergers...I don't see how putting two aspies together, that are notorious for lacking empathy, could do anything except result in frustration, misunderstandings and hurt feelings.
So I guess I'd like to have your input on just why aspies have problems in relationship (other than just simply being shy and having trouble dating). And why people think 2 aspies should be together, etc.

Asperger's Syndrome is not a personality disorder so all people with AS will not necessarily be like your ex-husband.

He sounds like he was bullied in school and was doing the same to you. It's probably the only way he knows how to communicate and that's very sad. This happens to many NTs too.

I have AS and I'm not a bully or self-obsessed/narcissistic. At least I think I'm not.

No, as I said, I would never imply that all aspie husbands would be like he was as far as his anger management and bullying. You have a good point that he very likely was bullying me because he was bullied and didn't know how else to communicate. But the lack of empathy...I just don't see how two people that have issues with empathy would be able to give the needed emotional support to their spouse. I seem to picture a misunderstanding that escalates because one person is upset and the other doesn't know why and since they can't grasp why they in turn get upset....

Open communication can make up for any deficit in empathy if the people involved are honest about their feelings and needs.

Your husband is not a good example of an aspie husband. I'm sure there are plenty of people here in an relationship with an aspie male who can tell you more.

I have been married for seventeen years to an exciting type A personality. We are the perfect example of how opposites attract. We balance each other quite nicely.

Living with Asperger’s for a WHILE changes you. In other words “had he been through the wringer”?
You at least learn to appreciate some things when you get your nose rubbed in the dirt. That’s what we need sometimes.
Does he know he has Asperger’s NOW?
When was the last time you spoke to him? It may be the way HE expressed his love to you.
I know I am SO SORRY for some of the things I did. He may be also.
Groping in a dark room is challenging. It’s even worse if you don’t know the room is dark.

Your husband sounds like my ex's brother who I think has Aspergers. I would say you have an extreme Aspie on your hands though because not all Aspie guys are incapable of compassion.

Personally though I would never date another Aspie myself as I find Aspies in person quite boring. I find life of the party and type A people more fascinating and they bring out the best in me.

Hmm. When I'm around type A people for too long, I start to find them incredibly annoying. It's not that I dislike them, there's a few that I'm quite close to. It's just that I can't spend alot of time with them without starting to become irritable and needing a break. I'd rather be around someone more like me ( quiet and thoughtful, though occasionally very silly and weird).

oooh....though i have never been married, I have been in several long-term-relationships.

Um....My first real relationship was with an NT who....um....was a bit older tham me. We were together for 6 years, but there was this constant fog of miscommunications between us...we were an example of two uncompatable people who for whatever reason decided to stick it out. I think we both felt we were stuck together....and eventually sorta settled into a routine that made it tolerable....Our relationship would never have existed if we had not both been in the same band together....I tended to escape into my own little world....He taught me alot about social skills,,,the hard way....we were both understimulated by each-other's company....He craved to be around people with social skills....I craved to be able to connect with (something)...um...

My next long term relationship (only 9 months but long enough to cite as an example)...was with a guy with Narcisistic Personality Disorder....(i am pretty sure).....not exactly neurotypical...but not sure what relationship he would have to the spectrum...certainly some....
he was left-handed-dyslexic....like me(more severely dyslexic though)......would stay up all night listening to the same album over and over and over and over again..had a dexterous memory (could instantly memorise and recall phone numbers and such)...He is also a very good musician....incredibly repetative in his speech.....he drank alot and when drunk, completely lost volume control on his voice....he was MADLY social....had TONS of friends.....had a TOTAL lack of empathy.....which helped justify his rotten behaviour.....as he was quite the philandering mack daddy.....He wouldn't just say that I was clumsy, he would give me a lecture on how I needed to constantly pay more attention to my surroundings... I was constantly depressed by the constant social stimulus...the constant string of people coming over to the house...Him constantly running off...ditching me at parties...flirting with other girls....etc....I have no idea what he saw in me in the first place, or why i put up with him for that whole 9 months...but after I left him, he was devastated .....we have remained friends over the years...and he has still tried getting very emotional and mushy with me from time to time...I guess because I put my foot down with him and that was such a blow to his ego....

My next LTR lasted two years....We were complete opposites, but were the best of friends, and remained friends long after the relationship ended. I guess he counted as NT....though he did have some odd habits and obsessions and stims...he was also a very anal-retentive neat freak..which was nice, because he actually did housework...
He had no trouble with friendships, and easily got along with everyone. He was not a very emotional or empathetic person...and he could be quite jabby with his words to those who were sensitive enough to let it get to them...but we had such a light-hearted repore between us that um....it never bothered me....even though in general, I can be pretty sensitive. He was really good when dealing with my occasional meltdowns...and very tolerant of all my other idiosyncracies....We broke up for really silly reasons and like i said....remained really good friends...He supported me during times when there was absolutely noone else...though I eventually lost contact with him...he has a kid now...it might be that he is not allowed to associate with me anymore.

My LTR after that is the one i am currently in with Flakey...going on 6 years not off and on...
While not a full-blown aspie...(i probably am not either)....he has issues that lots of folks on the spectrum have...and he was diagnosed with a "Dependant Personality"....which means that he hates to be alone and cannot do any housework.....He is also very ADDerly (like me)
It would be nice if he balanced me out a bit more...I would say more..but this post is already way too long...


So my point is that everyone is different....Aspies are different....NTs are different.....in-betweeners (and I believe there are plenty of those)....are all different.....all relationships are gonna be different...

To me the most important thing you need to look for in a relationship is friendship. My (second) husband (my Navigator) and I are comming up on our 7th year anniversary next month and we never run out of things to talk about. I remember only after two years of marriage with my first husband we went out to dinner and could not think of anything to talk about.....that always sticks out in my memory. Also respect is very important, My Navigator never calls me "names" or belittles me and he always tries desperately to understand me. My first husband was abusive. My first and second marriages are like night and day....I guess you could say I learned my lesson LOL.

Same here for 12 years now (not married) my NT girl compliments me very well indeed we have problems but who doesn't nobody's perfect.
I must speak up regarding aspie’s and empathy though, many of us do have lots of empathy but I think we have problems with it at different levels, I am not so great at social empathy like instinctively knowing when someone wants to enter a conversation or I often start speaking before someone has finished that type of thing, but when it comes to seeing another human being suffering or being the victim of an injustice I feel a great deal of empathy which I normally seem to express as anger on their behalf.
I may have problems expressing my empathy to other people but it doesn't mean I don't have any at all.
Your husband did indeed sound like a bad match for you but another aspie would probably not behave anything like him at all you have to take aspie’s on a person to person basis we have common problems all across the spectrum but we are all have very varied personalities too.