Being Too Eager To Please

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It almost appears that an unintended side effect of having Aspergers is being too eager to please. This eagerness is perceived by some people as a weakness and it does make us stand out. While I'm not suggesting developing a belligerent, F.U., attitude to blend in, it is something to think about. Could being too eager to please one of the things that make us Aspies stand out from the crowd?

I like to think of it as a "can do" attitude. Generally a good thing to stand out for, so long as people don't take advantage.

I think maybe it looks that way because we have to try so hard in social situations. It looks like we're fake, over-eager or "trying too hard"....well because we have to try hard in order just to get by in these situations! It just doesn't come naturally.

What do you mean by "eager to please?" Does this mean we are perceived as faking kindness?
Or too kind?
Please elaborate...

Yes, until recently I would bend over backwards for anyone and do anything to help them. While it did earn me a lot of respect, it also led to many people taking full advantage of me, especially in school. Unfortunately, I've started to go a little too far the other way and have developed a bit of a nasty attitude.

I would say no, I definitely am not eager to please all of the time. I'm pretty easy going normally, but I'm not a doormat. I can be downright belligerent, and have gotten warned about that by my neurologist a time or two. If I appear eager to please it's usually because I'm making an effort for everybody to have a good day, or I respect something about a person and I'm willing to work with them, or I find potential for a friendship, or there has been a kindness already done and I appreciate it. On the other hand, I might just be curious if they have boundary issues, and if they can set reasonable boundaries or need them to be set for them.

How about:

-- "In your face" helpful, with particular oblivion to any current [collective] mood-downers

NT Says: "Can't you see I'm having a bad day?? Back off!"
Aspie: "Yeah, but I'm watching your back AND making sure this gets done right!"

Lather, rinse, repeat....

To: KuRowbot: Putting the needs of others before your own, even though you may not really think and feel this way.

Since you put it that way, and the Universe chose a sick way to drive the point home this evening...yeah.

Wow, I doubt anyone who ever met me would describe me as eager to please. Arrogant, pedantic, recalcitrant, and selfish would be more likely words.

But it's great someone wants to please. Because I'm hard to please but haven't given up entirely yet.

I am too eager to please. I really should stop caring about people as much as I do, I should not be as helpful or willing. I need to focus on myself and not care about most people that much, except for those who can benefit me. I think if I am more selfish my life will get better. Most people I come to meet and get to know seem to live by this way and many of them are successful. I should still remain courteous however, because that will also be beneficial for me.

I am definitelly too eager to please.

However, thought I know it is not appropriate,
I do not know how to change that,
as when I do not try to please others,
I feel like I am harming them.
And I feel bad.

I had a period in my life I adopted that attitude, thinking people would like me more. It backfired badly because, while others who do many favors get respected for it, being Aspie and doing a lot of favors somehow (at least in my case) makes people evolve into demanding monsters. Nowadays, except at work during a bad economy, I'm very careful not to over-please.

I've always been eager to please, even as a young child. I think that's partly bcuz when I did things right, I was rewarded with affection, smiles, and appreciation; but if I did anything wrong, everyone let me know it, to the point that I almost felt sort of rejected and left all alone. Heck, even as an adult, I'm still very eager to please, even at my own expense...I just figure it's easier from dealing with the fallout of refusing to do something for somebody, or something like that.

I kind of feel like I have to be to compensate for all the things that I'm likely to do wrong socially. I'm not saying it works well, but I still feel that way. I also tend to be overly apologetic because I know I'm very likely to have screwed up without realizing it. It probably backfires and draws more attention to my failings, but I'm not sure what else to do.

Being too eager to please may be an attempt to win other people's kindness and respect in return.

Unfortunately, rarely is respect won this way. That can be hard for people on the spectrum to figure out at face value.

Respect is generally won when others see that you are not a doormat, and that you are not easy to manipulate. They respect you then not because they have necessarily come to like you, but because they understand that they can't swing you around any way they may feel like. You send the signal that you are not manipulable - and they discount you as an easy target. Problem solved.

Indiscriminately pleasing others can come across as an invitation for others to treat you as they please and that's not a good thing.