expectant AS couple requests help

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http://www.helpkate.com


NAYY (=Not affilliated, yadda-yadda)- saw this on another forum, thought it might be of interest here.

This could be a scam

Looks like a scam to me. We don't have any kind of proof that these people are who they say they are. If they are really unable to provide for a baby there may be some kind of government assistance or grant that they can apply for. The powers that be are usually not prepared to let babies go without. I'd be very, very wary of this request. If you want to help people out in this position it makes more sense to donate to the nonprofit organisations which help out with this sort of scenario.

I believe that's ana54 and adverb, members here. And they're asking for things like a crib and diapers, so it hardly looks like a scam!

There's nothing about the diagnosis of PDD-NOS that would make them unable to wait until they are financially secure to have a baby.

Hopefully their parents can help them out of this.

There is something however about the human sex drive.
Instead of insulting let's focus on being helpful.

People who ARE financially secure usually get gifts like that. Crib, diapers, baby clothes... it's called a "baby shower" and it may not be possible for socially isolated autistics. Add the problems that come from not being able to hold a job for long when you can get one, and it's perfectly reasonable to ask for baby supplies.

This was posted over at AFF too and I reported the post.

If this couple are members of WrongPlanet, then fair enough, people might be more inclined to help.

I reported the post over on AFF because I thought it was damned cheeky. It was the very first post of a new member.

No explanation as to whether they are studying or why they can't work. Yes, I know a lot of people on the spectrum are unable to work, but a lot of people are. There was no explanation whatsoever as to why they couldn't, what their problems were. I'd want to hear that people were studying and aiming to work, or that they'd tried to work and been sacked or had to resign because of XYZ problems. Or something. Some reason as to why people should effectively give them money.

Hi, buy us presents, seems a bit bloody cheeky to me. Especially for a first post from a new forum member. Out of order.

I thought being damned cheeky and untactful were the biggest visible symptoms of AS and PDD-NOS...lol...they probably don't understand why that would be seen as bad. So remember our social skills problems often transfer to the internet.

Also, as someone mentioned earlier, most NT couples get baby showers, and spectrum couples aren't going to have that opportunity. So it's not an unrealistic desire.

LOL that's a good point. There's also the challenge of accurately assessing resources vs. the demands of new endeavors. Which, in the case of bringing a child into the world, is a misjudgment by NO means unique to AS/PDDers.

Misreading social etiquette is another thing common in the NT world, and especially frustrating for us Spectrumers. Throwing one's own shower would be deemed pretty gauche in many circles, but now there are NT grammas throwing gramma showers for themselves. (Their friends give them baby stuff to keep at their houses. Often the parents aren't even invited, or if they are, are blatantly used to get more grub for the grandparents!) So for an AS/PDDer to draw the conclusion it's OK to self-host on-line doesn't require that huge a leap.

I'm wondering a bit about the commercialism in today's society though. When I was little, very few families we knew got new baby furniture. It was borrowed, or handed down, or from a thrift store or garage sale. Even cloth diapers and diaper pails were handed on as long as they were viable. When my sisters had their first babies, I was shocked at their registries / Amazon wish lists. On a purely environmental level, I question the strategies of these families getting all-new highly durable gear. (Not suggesting the site owners are asking for US$3000 baby carriages or $700 nappy bags or anything, just observing trends in general.)

I'm not going to judge a young couple just starting out, and needing help. After all I was once there myself. That was eleven years ago, and now my husband, and I are financially stable, but I can still remember some of the rude things things that people said to us. Like a few posters have pointed out, aspie couples aren't always gonna get a baby shower. I have 3 children, and never once had one.

If either of them are reading this, I'd urge them to seek government assistance, though. Kate most likely qualifies for a medical card, and it will pay back bills for up to 3 months. There's also a lot of churches that will give unwed moms free baby stuff. (I donate much of what I don't need anymore to one) I'd also look into Craigslist. There's often people in your area that just want to get rid of stuff, so they'll give it away, or charge very little. Also, if she hasn't already she should enroll in the local WIC program. Not only will they give you nutritious food, and baby formula, but they will also have info for other resources in your area to get help from.

I have reason to believe these two people are members of this site. One of them has contributed quite prolifically in the past.

Maybe because they have PDD-NOS, they didn't consider the different ways in which people might interpret the message, stated that way. I'm saying this in their defense. Like I said, I have reason to believe they are real people with good intentions.

Maybe someone who is more skilled with social nuances, mass-communication, and web design could offer them some advice?

Ana54 is a canadian citizen, I don't think she'll qualify for WIC or Medicaid (she says she wants to breastfeed so she won't need the formula). In NY state there is a medicaid-type program for pregnant women regardless of citizen status, I don't know if there is such a thing in Texas. Pro-life "crisis pregnancy centers" offer a lot of free stuff, including newborn diapers.

Baby registries are very common these days.

There are ways of getting help without posting online asking for help from other people. Families help, I am sure their own families will help. They can also apply for government assistance.

Maybe they don't have any supportive family?

I just went back to their site, which states:

Thanks to help from our families we have a secure and comfortable place to live, but medical expenses are significant without insurance, and all of the gear a growing baby needs is beyond our means right now.


One thing that struck me was that there's no mention of skills they'd be willing to provide in case someone's willing to hire them for short projects. A couple I know can't hold regular jobs, for reasons other than ASD but similarly insidious. They met on the internet about ten years ago, she moved so they could be together, and they've patched together a pretty good system for getting by without family or government support. She got me to show her how to sew something I'd made for them as a baby present, so she could start selling them on Etsy.

Looking through the Amazon registry's "must have" category, I'm wondering if family is providing enough benefit-of-experience support. If you haven't been hugely responsible for at least a couple of infancies & toddlerhoods, it's just not clear what stuff is essential and what's superfluous. Babies need a lot of a few things, and the rest can be skipped. It's also hard for nooby parents to approximate what they'll need when. Wow, this is bringing up know-how I'd long forgotten. Stop me now, or I'll create my own ten-essentials list. At least one of the items isn't on the registry and could replace three of their must-haves. Not meant to rail on them, just to say there's a lot of generosity out there that they're missing entirely, perhaps even scaring off. OTOH I'm totally incompetent at asking for and accepting support, so what do I know?

My perspective on this is a bit different since I grew up with a bare (if not absolute) minimum materially. Running water was luxury for which I was grateful, and hot water was a big plus, worth cutting, stacking and moving firewood for. We knew people who had to carry water to their house.