Living with a partner

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I'm not sure how much of this is AS related and how much isn't but I spend a lot of time reading these forums and this is the only place I feel... right, like I understand other people and they understand me.

I moved in with my boyfriend a couple of months ago. The last few years I've lived with other students in halls of residence and house-shares and I had a lot of problems with arguments, not being able to cope with other people's behaviour and not understanding what was going on in terms of social situations and all the mind-games people seem to play. I got pretty depressed last year and ended up on antidepressants.

I thought this would be different. I love my boyfriend so much and we were friends for years before we lived together and last year he slept at my place almost every night anyway. But now we are arguing a lot, he keeps saying he'll do things, important things, and then not doing them, and then we argue and I get upset and it upsets him and so I feel guilty and back down and he promises to try harder and then nothing changes.

I don't know what to do, I was used to having no one understand me, I was used to not really having anyone I could be close to or open up to and then I had him and he would listen for as long as it took until I wasn't frustrated anymore and until I felt like he understood. And now its like its been taken away and I have no one who understands me again, I'm so frustrated that I want to throw things and smash things up.

I know nothing about your situation.
However, sometimes a person changes completely when he gets married
or for whatever reason believes that he owns you.
Before, you were just friends, he needed to behave, and you didn't need to agree on everything.
Now you need to agree on everything because you belong to him.
Does that make sense or fit what's happening in your house?

Or could it be the other way around, and you expect too much?

Living together has many of the same stressors as being married. This may not be the right time for one of you to make that level of commitment. Both people have to be fully committed to making things work out no matter how much work it takes. And that is a lot of effort sometimes.

awwwh.. im sorry to hear that.. i feel really bad for you, and i know the feeling.. being Spergie is a lonely road.. *hugs*

Wow except for living in the student hall part, I can completely relate. The key thing to remember is: communication. When you can't communicate try writing your thoughts down so you can clearly see if what you need to say isn't too harsh and makes sense, gets the point across in a clear and direct way without hurting the other person's feeling. If you don't communicate how you feel then feelings get held inside and creates tension and passive-agressiveness. I'm in the process of working on this with my boyfriend who is also an aspie like me and I met him here.

Maybe he just doesn't know how to say, "No?"
Maybe he thinks you're asking too much, but doesn't know how to say it?
Do you give him a way out, so it's not the end of the world?

There is a saying " you never really know someone until you live with them". It is true. I've lived with people before, and sometimes I've lost entire friendships over it. I live now with my BF, and we have done so for about 3 years. I've had to make compromises, some of which are hard to deal with. So has he. But we respect each other's space and try to have areas in the house that are "our own". Actually, those places are our computers, which are on opposite sides of the house.
We've argued about things such as chores, who is making too much noise, the toilet seat dilemna, trash day, the laundry hamper versus the floor... but we've also struggled to make decisions about these things so that we know ahead of time what is expected of us and when. Neither of us like surprises in the home area. Sometimes we write things to each other, since we seem to read better than talk or listen. It is very hard sometimes... but it is also very rewarding, too.
Maybe you two need more work on this type of thing, or maybe he isn't ready to be a roomate yet.

Thank you for the replies. I think writing things down is a very good idea and will certainly be trying that.

I do worry that maybe I am asking too much, but the one thing I said before we moved in together was that I need structure and organisation and two months in he still hasn't tidied away his boxes and his suitcase. He says its partly that he just doesn't feel like it on days off or after work and partly he worries that he might put things in places that are 'wrong' for me. I've tried explaining that if he would ever tidy he would know that I would recognise that he was trying and would be patient with learning where things were. I even left whole sets of shelves free for him to put his stuff on first so that he got a say in where things went. But even though he is still saying every few days that he will sort stuff it never happens.

I'm starting to feel like his mother because I have to check stuff so often.