Preparing for my appointment

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I finally have an appointment with a counselor at the state Division of Vocational Rehabilitation Services. All I have to back me up is a letter from a neurologist saying that I might have Asperger's. The neurologist says that making an actual diagnosis would be the state's job.

Have I said this before? My plan is to identify myself as a disabled adult so that I will be eligible for services. My claim is that I am perfectly able to follow the job description, but that crazy people create problems that are not relevant to the job, to the extent that this is a barrier to employment.

The only services I need are (1) hand-holding through the job search and (2) a sympathetic boss who will protect me from the troglodytes. And maybe it will help if the company gets a tax break for hiring me. Is there any hope for this strategy?

I am trying to organize my thoughts in preparation for this first appointment.
Below is a therapy letter to the counselor. I probably won’t actually send it.
Any comments would be welcome.

This is sort-of a continuation of the thread, "Normative Conformity." And everything else on WP. http://www.wrongplanet.net/modules.php?name=Forums&file=viewtopic&p=1691473#1691473

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Letter to the counselor:

Please see this nine-minute video on “Normative Conformity” before reading this letter.
http://www.911blogger.com/node/17338

Modern society, and even our best psychiatrists, judge us as sane or insane simply on the basis of how well we conform to “cultural norms.” The amazing talent of being able to cut through the insanity of one’s own culture is, by definition, insane. My objection is to this basic premise. The premise itself is insane.

How can an objective person hope to develop a “theory of mind” when everyone around him lies with every breath and with every gesture?

My overly simplified model includes players, sheep and losers. (I suspect that all players and losers are Aspies.) The players know what’s going on, but they’re not telling. The sheep just blindly follow. The losers have half a clue, but can’t believe that the whole world is lying, all the time. (“What am I missing here?”) Obviously, the reality is more complicated, but for my case, this is enough.

The players are a diverse group. To me, the most important independent variable is a basic instinct for compassion. Ghandi and Moses had it. Hitler and Bush did not. They all considered themselves to be above the rules that govern the sheep, but their internal rules vary, depending on their individual nature (varying levels of instinct for herd mentality and compassion) and their experience (upbringing, education).

The sheep play by the rules. However, those rules are interpreted and dictated by the current boss. When the rules are self-contradictory, they depend on the boss to straighten it out. In the absence of some accepted authority figure, the mob can fill in. Either as a mob or as individuals, they unconsciously work out some fairytale that will allow the rules to work. Logic does not enter the equation and is never considered. Compassion is only considered when an authority figure gives permission, on a case-by-case basis. It is not a standing order.

I am a loser because I can not be a player or a sheep. I can not do what the guy in the video mentioned above did. It is not a virtue I have chosen. It is biological. I am a natural-born whistle-blower. In a perfect company, I would blend right in and no one would notice me. In a semi-civilized group, I can fake it for a long time. In my last job, a couple of weeks ago, I lasted for two days. Not because I said or did anything, but because the boss recognized my failure to feel shame when I had no objective reason to feel it. It did not matter that I didn’t immediately understand why he was having a temper tantrum. My reflexes failed to do the proper sheep dance, which involves certain manerism that express shame. It did not matter that he had no objective reason for the temper tantrum. All that mattered was that my first impulse was to try to understand rather than kiss his azz.

In that situation, I had no complaints. I saw no corruption in anything the company did. But my existence causes alarms to go off in the mind of the control freak. One glance tells him that I’m never going to “fall for it,” even when there is no “IT” to expose. He instinctively, unconsciously, sees me as a trouble maker and all he knows is that he needs to get rid of me. Once this unconscious decision is made, finding some convoluted excuse is easy.

Sorry, I just do not have those buttons. In the past, I have gone through phases when I tried to construct artificial buttons, to pretend to feel shame when the truth is that I do not. What authority figures could easily discount as my “teen angst” phase started at least as early as the third grade and never really ended. I have tried, but the fake buttons have never worked. It’s just too slow and appears to be insincere, because it is. At the age of 52, there’s no point in trying again.

Even when I have managed to keep my mouth shut and fake it, eventually I am backed into a corner and forced to choose. The choice is always the same, because it is not a real choice. No, I will not internalize the abuse and NO, I will not pass it on.

In the above referenced video, the solid black lines are what they are, and that victim behind the wall is a victim. Simple, straight-up, unfiltered, objective reality. I might consciously and logically chose to lie but, internally, I can never really forget that the duck is still a duck.

I think your requests for assistance are reasonable, but I would phrase them differently.

First, I would not say that "crazy people create problems that are not relevant to the job". I would say that I have difficulty interacting with my NT coworkers.

Second, I wouldn't refer to others as "troglodytes". I would say that I need for my boss to be aware of and being understanding towards my AS. Emphasis should be on education and mutual understanding.

Third, I definitely wouldn't send that letter. It would make you look like a troublemaker who refuses to make any effort to fit in. You can be yourself while also adapting your behavior in small ways in order to fit in to a work environment. I agree, however, that you should never tolerate abuse or pass it on to others. Ask the counselor for ways to handle such a situation should it arise again.

Good luck.

Your strategy is great...but I agree, don't send the letter. Some things are, um, better left unsaid.

A couple of other things...

-- The state does not diagnose people. That just would be downright scary. Qualified psychologists, MFTs, psychiatrists and professional counselors diagnose people. Period. Your neurologist is on drugs. Go see a good psychologist, and if you need a referral, let me know where you live and I'll find one for you.

-- The state (or DOR, or VR, or whatever) CAN qualify you for services BASED on a diagnosis. What this means is that even if you have a diagnosis of AS, you may or may not be qualified for services/disability. It's a severity issue, and getting qualified is a very dicey issue for most Aspies. I'm trying to get one of my LF clients qualified right now, and it's a pain, but all states are different.

-- If you need hand-holding and good job placement, talk to a few career counselors in your area. Explain the situation, and what you need. ALL career counselors are supposed to trained in working with folks with 'disabilities'. If you find a likely candidate but they are too expensive, ask if they work on a sliding scale (reduced rates). I take sliding scale for adults who are no longer supported by their parents, and do pro bono work as well. If you happen to be in my area, I'll gladly take you as a client -- it's exactly the work I do BECAUSE VR and DOR don't do a very good job, if at all!! !

I do not believe sending that letter would benefit yourself or your interests. I believe sending that letter has the potential for causing negative consequences to yourself or your interests. I think you should not send that letter.

Tahitiii, It's been a long time since I've really been in the kind of position you're speaking of, but your letter brings it back all too clearly. I wish there was something I could say or offer that might help. If you can at least know that there are others, and I'm one, who understands what you're going through and talking about at the deepest level, then maybe you can at least not feel completely alone in it. I've been there and know exactly what you're saying. They are definately the ones who are crazy but because we can't, and I mean can't, play along, we are the ones who end up being deemed so. And yes, they can spot you a mile away and that's how you end up being their target practice every time. It's real and don't let anyone tell you it isn't. If I had all the social skills I needed, maybe then I'd be better at kissing rump. Who knows!

Just hang in there and trust yourself.

Hm. In my state what they do is make people take a test at the Department of Rehab no matter what the diagnosis unless you are very obviously severely disabled and cannot take a test but most of these people don't need a test and have extensive histories blah blah blah which I do not.

So, I went into my county's Dept Of Rehab and took several exams, even part of an MMPI and did so well in everything but Math I didn't really qualify for much of anything. In fact the whole thing was kind of pointless. It's such a looooong story, the reason I went there in the first place was because I had this huge case of math anxiety! I was having sooooo much trouble with algebra. Like I said, long story.

I found the experience to be less than let's say delightful. For one thing I thought the guy giving the tests had this attitude toward me because I wasn't physically disabled and he was. He was missing an arm. I know this will sound strange but he seemed to have this bad attitude toward me because he percieved me as intruding on the physically disabled's turf. I think he had an accident or something and wasn't always like that. He treated me like some kind of birth defective...no joke! All because my condition was mental, not physical, and I was born with it, not had a charmed life and then by some random misfortune experienced a change of luck.

I was trying to get them to help out with the rest of my college, especially my one "remediated" area which was math, by getting me a tutor and you would not believe how discouraging they were and I even had my transcripts from college which were SOLID in all areas except that stupid college algebra which I still needed to take.

The woman working there was VERY unsupportive telling me I would have to stay in school or I would end up having to pay back every last cent the Department paid on my education blah blah blah. It was so cold hearted.

Those that say that sending the letter as bad idea, what evidence do you have to back this up? I'm afraid you're plain wrong. If you are diagnosed by a professional they actually ask for things like this. They will ask your parents about your childhood, school reports and any other evidence, especially from another professional. They will want to do their own assessment and testing that goes without saying.

If you don’t believe in don’t things like this, you are approving of sanctioned ignorance.

The letter will likely HURT your case. And your theory about AS people being the only ones running the world is crazy.

I wouldnt send the letter. Its not your position to expound on your theories to them. A professional will resent it and disrespect you. In other words, you will likely not get the dx you crave.

I agree with them the letter is too biased, maybe? It just makes it look like you are a bit too stressed over everything.

Oooooooh one more thing you might want to consider though I don't know if it's the best choice for you. If at all possible, take someone with you when you go. One thing I notice is that if someone is with me I always have better results. They don't see me like someone they can push around and tend to view whomever is with me as an advocate even when that person isn't. When I am alone I get pushed around more.