Can't cope with the demands of college

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Yesterday my college tutor told me I'd lost my place in college due to lack of attendance, and now I'm pretty much screwed, as that was basically my last option.

I started 3 weeks ago and couldn't attend more than the first day due to how overwhelming it all was. I didn't realise it would be so socially demanding. Not one person spoke a single word to me, although, they happily made friends with other people and chatted away when they really should have been listening to the tutor.

Not only that, but the "support" worker they gave me (due to my AS and Social phobia) was pointless. It would have made no difference if she'd not been there at all because all she did was take over my work, treat me rather condescendingly, and made it clear she'd not stick around during lunch to help me get settled (lunch being the biggest challenge for me due to having to sit in a big canteen full of loud sounds and unfamiliar faces).

She never bothered introducing me to a single soul, no one bothered introducing themselves to me, and I'm far too phobic to introduce myself to them. That was half the point of having a support worker, so that I wouldn't become socially isolated, but I still was. This college seems to be determined to believe that "within a couple of months, you'll be a completely different person", yet, they're letting me become socially isolated. They also seem to think that they're bending over backward to help me, when in reality, they're doing the absolute bare minimum they can. I know this because when I attended art college, they really DID bend over backwards to help in so many ways, but it still didn't cure my social phobia, so how this college has the nerve to hold me up the expection that I'll become a totally different person in two months, whilst doing the least they can possibly do to help is beyond me.

When I came home after that first day, I had a huge meltdown that lasted all night, and continued in the morning, due to the stress of it all.

After all that, however, I'm going to try to go back into college today, provding my tutor gives me another chance, which is slim due the the amount of work I've missed. I don't want to wreck my life. I want to become a Meteorologist, but I just cannot seem to cope with, or meet the demands of college. This is the 3rd college I've been to, and ended up not completing due to my struggles.

My mum's taken me to the doctors' but he told me that due to my age, 19, I'm at somewhat of a crossroads when it comes to getting councelling. I'm too old for the childrens' councelling, but too young for the adults councelling (because it mainly deals with much older people). There is also a long waiting list. He did send me to another place who have concellors as a temporary solution, but she didn't get the idea at all. She tried councelling my AS, instead of my social phobia and she actually told me "I don't really know what to do with you then because you want friends, but you don't want to change yourself for them". After that, I didn't go back. One, I don't want friends who'll only like the person I'm pretending to be and two, I tried that all through school. It didn't work.

Basically I want to know from other people who've got AS or other issues similar to mine; How did you deal with the demands of college? And how did you make friends (consider the fact that I can't approach people)?

How do you cope with busy places like canteens and being left alone? What do you do to make your self appear busy, or not look so... out of place? I realise for some people, being left alone is a good thing, but for me, I feel extremely vulnerable and nervous in this situation.

(Sorry this is a bit long and boring. I wanted to put only the questions, but I thought that without some additional information, the replies I got might not be relevant to my situation).

I didn't make friends until January of my freshman year, and due to that, plus some other factors (my beloved cat died and I was too depressed to study so I failed a test for the first time in my life), I was totally miserable until that point. At my school, our freshman dorms were broken up into "entries" made up of 18 freshmen and 2 "junior advisors". The JAs were supposed to help us adjust to school, and the entries always did things together, including eating dinner. Of course, I didn't fit in from the first day (when I was dubbed a "Trekkie"), and the JAs would always knock on every door but mine for dinner. I went to every dinner with them every night anyway (I would keep an ear out to hear them leaving), even though it was clear they didn't want me around (I just didn't have anyone else to eat with). If I tried to add something to the conversation at dinner, there would be silence for a minute, and then the conversation would start up again as if I hadn't said anything. I tried to bond with them by watching their asinine shows with them in the common room every day ("Friends" and "Sex and the City"), but it didn't do any good.

Then one time I missed the entry going to dinner, and this other guy who didn't eat with the entry ran into me and asked me to eat dinner with him and his friends. I went with them, and it was like a revelation. These people actually *listened* to me when I spoke. They were actually interested in what I had to say. They invited me back to watch "Solaris" after dinner (the original, not the re-make), and afterwards we stayed up until 1 AM discussing it. And that was it. I made friends with the people in that group, and we stayed friends all through college (I never ate with the entry again).

So I don't know what to tell you. After all, I just got lucky. I might look around to try to find an activity on campus you like (like a science fiction club), so you can at least have some social life. Making friends has always been hit or miss for me, so I don't have any good tips. Sorry! If you can hang in there, it may get better.

Good luck!


Addendum: Regarding eating alone, I would always bring a book to the dining hall when I was going to be eating alone (this often happened for breakfast, and sometimes lunch because of people's different schedules). It didn't bother me to sit there reading in the dining hall by myself.

Thanks for the reply, LostInSpace.

Excellent advice about bringing a book. I don't know why that never occured to me but it's a good idea. I will definitely get my hands on a good book and take it with me during lunch hours from now on.

I asked a completely different question a while back and this is one of the answers I got:

I immediately joined the club associated with my major, was a geek about my major, and made friends with the guys who were the same way. We'd get together before and after classes and talk about philosophy and meet at pubs some nights and talk about philosophy and write drunken manifestos and add to this notebook we kept, full of jokes about Stalin and funny things that philosophy professors had said in lectures. I had a good time.

Clubs are pretty hit and miss, though. My first year I had a spectacular breakdown and dropped out, started again at a different university half a year later or so. I had joined several clubs at the first school too, but didn't make friends. I think there were just fewer truely weird people at that school.

When I switched from community college to university age 19 I had similar problems. Unfortunately I don't have a good answer, because I had to leave, my life was a mess and I was unable to get to class more than once or twice. And the disability program there was terrible. So I left.

the first time round I didn't make any friends, I was too overwhealmed and didn't have a clue how to approach anyone. then I took a year out and came back to a complately different set of people. everyone was really focused on learning and there was a lot of cooperation and not that much social small talk.

as someone mentioned before, it's good not to take everything too seriously. I've always been quite a joker and I find that people appreciate sense of humour and respect you for it, even if you have some excentricities.

I can't handle it, and that's all that needs to be said. I tried college several times, and I even passed a few subjects (go-go-rote memory), but it hurt too much, and I always left in short order due to the pain.

Not being diagnosed, I don't have any social worker or other helper.

I know exactly how you feel. I really do. My attendance was horrible my first 2 years... it was usually the reason I had to drop classes. I even lived on campus during that time.

In high school you're pretty much thrown into social circles. It's just the nature of the beast. It's completely different in college.

Clubs are hit or miss. My best advice, though, is to find a club or group to join that functions like a fraternity. I joined the marching band, as an example. I hate greek life, but we hang out and behave like a fraternity. When you're forced to be around the same people over and over, eventually you'll get to know them. No they might not become your best friends, I know they aren't for me, but just having familiar faces who know your name in classes makes a HUGE HUGE difference.

College sucks for us. I'm in my last semester.

I'm not going to lie. I thought college would be this fantastic time with drunken parties. For us it's not. I truly have no more than 2 close friends at this school, even after 4 years here. It's hard. But it's worth it to further your career with a degree.






Anyway my point is, many of us have been where you are right now. It's just one of those things you have to force yourself to get through. I know it's overwhelming, but eventually it won't be. It'll be hard, but unfortunately it's a lot like real life. You'll get used to it. You're growing up

Oh I wanted to add, about making friends...

As you progress through college, your classes will become more and more major-centric. You will begin to see the same people over and over. My best advice in regards to that is when you have a group project, try and stick with people you recognize from previous classes. Working on a project in a group, you have to go to meetings and such. It's an excuse to get to know people without having to just randomly go up to a stranger.

If it's a major specific class, odds are you'll see them again. Try and look for opportunities before and after class (especially small classes) when many people are talking across the room. I find those are the conversations that are easiest to try and join since they're sort of open conversations. Just the other day I put in one single word to one of those conversations and it led to one of the people in it coming up to me and saying "Hey... you're in all of my classes. What is your name?" and introducing himself.

Wow, you really are similar to me. I wanted to be a met as well, but I didn't have the skills in mathematics to be able to do anything in there, so I went into pyschology. So I am at a rather small college in the deep south, but still it's challenging. Basically the first week was miserable for me, and I prayed to God for me to make some friends. So one guy who I had met the first week, but not really talked to asked me to hang out one day. He is one of my best friends now, and they really help me out. You can't expect people to talk to you in your class if you sit there alone. There is only so far you can really go in a one sided conversation. Also stop depending on your colleges support services to help you SOCIALLY. I would NEVER go to someone who is there to "support" you. These girls are usually snots anyway and will treat you very badly. I don't really know what to tell you though, but don't let not making friends ruin your classes. Although I have made friends here they still kinda tease me some for my aspieness, but they accept it and they do try to help me out socially. So it's really helpful to me that this is the case. Find the kids who are more of the outcasts. Obviously we are not going to make friends with the popular kids, but find the others. If you can't at least try to speak to people than you are not going to make friends.

Anniemaniac,
did they not offer a quiet room somewhere to use instead of canteen? if not,ask them if that could be possible,it should come under the DDA [or ADA,depending on whether from UK or America].

when am was at college doing a ASDAN course [lifeskills for people with mod-severe disabilities],they let am use the empty classes on the same floor during breaks and lunch and they banned any other students from coming into the rooms-because they were all able enough for public areas,am had own support staff with am in the room,the security guards would force anyone out of the college who was just standing around so the noise wasnt as bad.
am would recommend asking for this accomodation,as it sounds like would be a big help,it's not exactly a big thing to ask for either,as long as the room doesnt have computers or other stuff like that in it ,and as long as they know are not going to let anyone in,am not sure if they will allow this if are in a mainstream area as STC only allowed those on the special ed. floor to stay in if they had problems with the public areas,but ask for this under the disability act if they refuse.

First off, you have to go to class. The first day is confusing for everyone; it does get better.

Focus on the professor. You're absolutely right about that - the point is to learn, not to talk to your friends. Keep an eye out for another student who's paying attention. After class ask them if they want to be study buddies. Invite them to join you for lunch.

I know it's awkward but no one is going to do it for you. You can't make friends without talking to people.

The obligatory questions:
~What's your name?
~What year are you?
~Where are you from?
~What are you studying?

Your kind of people are hiding somewhere. Good luck with finding them!