Unwanted birthday parties...ours!

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How do you get it across to your family NOT to do the 'let's throw them a big birthday bash' thing?

I'll be 40 in November and I just want to celebrate, quietly, with my husband, like I have most of my other birthdays. Unfortunately, I think my family may have other ideas. They're 150 miles away, but if they try to lure me down there at the appropriate time on some other pretext and then jump out at me yelling 'Surprise!' I will walk out. Seriously.

My husband feels the same way about his 40th birthday, which is a month before mine. His family are rather nearer, and have already started making jokes about it. His sister threw a huge do on her 40th to which a whole bunch of people were invited (we were otherwise occupied at the time), and they seem to think he 'owes' it to them to have one.

It's not an 'Oh-my-god-I'm-ashamed-of-being-so-old' thing - although most of the other members of my family of a similar age have stuff like degrees and kids to show off, and I haven't, and I don't really want a spotlight shone on my not particularly impressive (by their standards) past when I'd rather concentrate on the future. It's really more that I hate social occasions where I'm forced to be the center of attention. (If I choose to do so, that's another matter, but I don't like being put on the spot.) And, my family being my family, it's likely to be the sort of event I'd never go to out of choice. And someone will bring a video camera, which I also hate. I can't relax when I know anyone's pointing one of those things around. (Someone in the family brought one to my wedding, which I specifically asked them not to.)

How do you get people to realize that 'No, I'd rather you didn't throw me a party' means exactly that?

I don't know other than not showing up. Thing is, parties like these are sometimes more for everyone else than the person that is being celebrated. It's the "I get a chance to use the silver place settings or fine china" or the "This would be good time to have my new camera ready" kinda of mentality that most families really go for. Most families will not understand your point and from my experience if its your in-laws they take major offense. Then it turns into the "You are going to have fun whether you like or not" kinda event.

If you really want your family to understand then explain to them some more on why you do not want to be put in that position in the first place, that this is your day not the families day, and that this is simply the way it is.

Maybe this helped, maybe not, I did not stay in a holiday inn express last night but I drove past one.

Happy Birthday and Good Luck

I wouldn't mind a party, just don't mess up my house. I love the cake and presents, that's all I care about and then I go and do my own thing. Unless someone has something interesting to talk about, then it will make me socialize.

You have my sympathy. I had a 40th birthday party arranged for me by a friend that was supposed to be a surprise I hate both surprises and parties! My hubby thought I would be more freaked if I didn't have some warning so he told me a few weeks before and I spent the time worrying and trying to think of ways to avoid it. It wasn't too bad but I didn't enjoy it. I too hate being the centre of attention. Thank God no-one brought a video camera.

So...my 50th last year I arranged to go on holiday with a couple of close friends and told everyone that was my birthday celebration and I wasn't having a party and they could all think I was a miserable old s*d if they wanted to, but I WASN'T GOING TO HAVE A PARTY! (I think it's best to be firm or they're try and persuade you) Remember, it's your birthday so you should do what you want. Plan something nice for yourself, celebrate it in your own way. Keep saying no to the party and stick to your guns!

Yeah, parties with the people and and moving of the furniture and at that age there's bound to be children who run around making a mess (I know they are kids, it's the *residue* they leave behind I don't like)

But what if the party was somewhere else like in a park. Then you don't have to worry about people moving your things. The kids will have lot of space to run around.

I hate parties, and I hate surprises.

Thankfully, my parents were never much into that sort of thing. "Birthday parties" were usually just the usual relatives coming over. I had two "school birthday parties" as a kid, both mostly out of obligation. Both resulted in a lot of griping from my family, and I really didn't enjoy myself at either, any more than I did at attending my classmates' birthday parties which initiated the sense of obligation.

My favorite way to celebrate my birthday is to kick back and listen to music all day, and do nothing. Or, conversely, if I get a new computer game for my birthday, play it.

I hate celebrating my birthday too. I hate being the center of attention, particularly for something so lame as having been born on a certain day. Like I had any choice in the matter.

I'm estranged from all of my family, so I don't have to worry about them insisting upon celebrating. I don't tell anyone else when my birthday is. I do have to put up with a minor celebration at work, but since they celebrate all the birthdays for that month on the same day it's not too bad.

I never have that problem. My birthday is at the end of winter / start of spring. The weather's nasty, has been for too long, people are sick of each other, and no one wants to socialize. It seems like after St. Patrick's Day, everyone hides away until the warm weather arrives. And I'm fine with that. So much so that I hope to celebrate my next birthday alone in a faraway country.

once happend but it became a serius depression -_-'
it whasnt unexpected whanted it lots of times i managed
to get one but it whas pretty much a complete desaster

I've never had a birthday party in my life, other than having one friend over a few times. At work, we do cake on someone's birthday, but it's just the immediate staff and since it's at work, there isn't much time for anything else.

One time, when I was 12, my parents did have an end of year swimming party for me that I didn't want. My mother asked me if I wanted one and I said no, so she went behind my back and called my teacher and set one up anyway.

The day of the party, I passively resisted by at first, wearing long pants which upset my mother and screamed at me and told me to put my bathing suit on and I said I wasn't swimming, so she said to go put shorts on. I wandered between my room and the outside, and a few of the kids came upstairs and hung out in the bedrooms, which for some reason, upset my mother. My parents never forced another swimming party on me again after that. but continued to cram swimming down my thoat, but that's another story.

I've always hated the forced socialization NT's push on us, why can't we decide for ourselves how social we want to be, if at all?

I'm not a big fan of my birthday in any respect.

I've never liked the parties as long as I can remember, and generally do my best to avoid people close to me on that day. I generally go out of my way to go to some place I can be alone or ignored, or perhaps do some kind of chore to distract me.

The birthday song annoys me, whether receiving or simply listening (I don't sing it myself). Not entirely sure why that is.

Receiving gifts always makes me feel guilty. I feel that I don't do enough for anybody to deserve them, and I don't give out presents myself. I often tell people who know my birthday is coming up to not get me anything. Luckily this has worked for the last couple years, but I haven't had any success with Christmas.

I don't even like it when my birthday is simply acknowledged. When it is, I get a little upset and tell whoever acknowledged it that I'd prefer it if they'd forgotten it altogether. Nobody understands my reasoning behind this, always claiming it's some kind of "special" day for me that I should enjoy. My arguments and requests generally fall on deaf ears.

It's been getting better, though, over the years. I no longer have parties, specially prepared food, or expensive gifts given to me. Perhaps it'll be just like any other day next year.

I like small gatherings with family.




I hate when they sing to you at restaurants. The people that work there that is... or if the family does it.

My husband has AS and I dont..... I understand he does not like birthdays, and have learnt the hard way not to go against his wishes!
HOWEVER, there is another side.

It was my birthday yesterday, he had remembered and although he did not give me a card or a presant, he did make the effort to get a card for my two young boys and a small bar of dairy milk in a plastic bag, for them to give there mummy!! !

I had a nice day, just kept out of his way, like he likes it. I had a nice display of cards from friends and family. i expect NOTHING from him, BUT every year, at the end of the day he takes all my cards down and says "well it is over now"
I guess people wiht AS will be thinking "what is the problem with that". Well it makes me feel sad.

do what i did and tell everyone you are going away with your husband
worked for me had great quiet 40th